BIL is a sociopath

[superdenki]

Apologies for the long post, I just need to get this out of my head and hopefully someone on here will have wise words (you usually do!) I think my Dh's brother's behaviour is getting out of control. He has always been irresponsible with money - about 3 years ago we discovered that he had racked up approx. £25K in credit card/loan debts. His (divorced) parents eventually bailed him out between them to 'save' him from going bankrupt. He has never had a job for longer than a few months (he is 30) and has most recently been working at holiday camps and as a travel rep abroad.
Recently he sent us and his dad an email with his new job and contact details in France. But we have just learned that he is actually dossing at his mother's house in the UK, he doesn't have a job in France at all, and the whole ruse was to get his dad to give him £1000 to tide him over Christmas 'until he was paid'. why he felt the need to include as in this lie as well I don't know, dh knows that bil is a compulsive liar and tries not to get involved in any of his deceits. we really think he must have a personality disorder.
But his dad is always willing to get him out of trouble as he is the youngest son and I suspect he feels that my bil needs extra help.
It would be great to have some feedback on how to deal with this as I really can't be arsed to go up and see them over Christmas - we live 100s of miles away so would have to stay at least overnight. My instinct is to tell him exactly what I think of him, but I don't want to inflame what is already a stressful situation.

My BIL is the same. He's owed my ex 11.5k for years and we'll never see it again,ex could do with it too.
His parents (or should I say mother) has given him thousands upon thousands

Sorry can't help but doubt saying anything will do any good? I can see why you don't want to visit.

Sociopath is a very strong word to throw around - it is essentially calling someone a psychopath, which it doesn't sound as if BIL is

He obviously has problems though

Does he have any drug/alcohol/gambling problems? Is he likely to owe money to someone dodgy?

sociopath's do lie a lot though and don't have much regard for others. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder

I think it is up to your DH to confront him. He could tell his brother that BIL either admits the lie to FIL, or your DH will tell FIL what his brother has done. FIL may decide to continue helping BIL but at least he is doing it with his eyes open. It may take him a while to realize just throwing money at BIL's problems are not making them go away or helping BIL to grow up and accept some responsibility for his situation.

DH could also tell BIL that neither you or he will be believing any stories BIL comes up with in the future. Hopefully this will head off any more e-mails with money requests to you at least.

I think if you confront him, it will not go well.

I think your dh should have words with his mother and father as they can obviously not see the light - and are liable to be taken for a lot more money in the future unless someone tries to point it out them.

Your BIL maybe the youngest in the family but he is 30!! I had held a job for over 10 years at that age, and I suspect most responsible people have as well.

Can your dh speak to his brother if the parents won't listen and tell him to either go and seek medical advice if that is what he needs regarding mental issues or otherwise get off his chuff and start doing something productive with his life?

But if all this fails, or is unattemptable, then the best option is to step away from the situation, don't get yourself involved as like you say it will do nothing but wind your stress levels up.

I'd stay out of it as much as possible. Visit them if you have to but keep yourself to yourself or you might one day find them getting involved in your business without an invite....

PS: BIL sounds like a bit of an immature loser, maybe one day he will learn.

It's still a term I would be wary of using, unless someone had been diagnosed as such

superdenki

There are many similarities here between your BIL and mine; my BIL is also enabled to the nth by his parents. Enabling though helps no-one, it shields the person from the consequences of their actions.

Talking to any of these people however, about these issues will actually get you precisely nowhere. If they don't want to know which they do not (take it from me, been there on this) any counsel you or your DH give will not be appreciated or even wanted.

My counsel to you is to keep your emotional distance and not get directly involved - its the only way to keep you sanity.

NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) could also be a factor here in why your BIL is acting the way he is. I would look up NPD.

I agree with bernard that we shouldnt label people without proper assessment, but I did wonder if your bil may be suffering from any mental health problem. Erratic behaviour, compulsive lying and huge overspending can be signs off an underlying mh issue(for example bi polar disorder.) Is there any way of encouraging him to explore this with gp?

NNB - I agree that sociopath is a very strong word. Not sure it is the same as 'psychopath' though. Anyway, perhaps it was a bit of an attention grabbing headline - but you're right, he has got problems with drinking and gambling heavily. Although of course he doesn't see them as problems, he thinks he lives a cavalier, king of the road kind of lifestyle. Which is easy to do when you're being bailed out constantly. There is no way he'd be persuaded to see a GP because he doesn't see that he has any problems.

Attila thanks very much for your comments. DH agrees that bringing it up will get us nowhere as this has been the situation for quite a few years now. At least we can see him for what he is. We are going to keep out of the whole thing I think, although I will be gnawing my fist when I see him.

I dunno about MH issues, impossible to say but his behaviour certainly seems to mimic that of a total arse who keeps taking people for a ride because they let him.

Keep out of it, you can't fix it. I would only let my true feelings known if he directly asked for money from you and DH. And I would speak directly to him, not through anyone else.

If he copies you into any further job details etc, just send it back saying his financial affairs are nothing to do with you.

As far as his parents go, I think only your DH could speak to them but unlikely to help until they come to their senses. They may already realise they are being used as mugs but tbh, if they give him money, that is up to them.

Anyfucker, he's given up asking us for money because he gets told to fuck off and get in the queue by dh. Oh yeah - he did once ask Dh if he could have all his dvds when he died so he could sell them on ebay. Incredible.

Superdenki - sociopath and psychopath do essentially mean the same thing, though I can see how they conjure up very different ideas of what each one is

IMO, from what you say, he is an Addict

Agree you need to step back, as you cannot fix him. No harm in being honest with other people about why you are doing this, though. There are support organisations for families of addicts if you are interested

Having an alcoholic or addict in the family is a nightmare, I know