what do i do - estranged family and xmas cards/ presents

[shoptilidrop]

im really in two minds and would like some other perspectives on this.
Ive been cut off from my family for 2 years because of my step mother - long story that i wont go into now as its far to upsetting. I will not be sending my father even a card and im happy with my decision on that. However ive got 2 aunties and a grandad involved in this, and whilst they have actually done anything to me, by not doing anything, or not saying anything this has compounded and almost, i feel agree with the way i have been treated. I have not seen or spoken to any of them for almost a year - I was going to send a card to each, do you think thats the best idea? or should i just leave it, i think i shouldnt worry about presents as i wont be seeing them, and it seems weird to post a present to someone who you havent spoken to in so long. I am angry at all of them still as well.... i dont know - any ideas?

My tendency would be to send a card. It's unlikely to do any harm umless you actually don't want to hear back from them. IMO a card not sent is a stronger negative message than a card sent is a positive one.

It depends on how you really feel. I would do whichever option you feel less uncomfortable with. Gut feelings are always good indicators to me.

I think a present would be unnecessary in this situation.

Am in similar(ish) position

Have sent a card with a very generic (Wishing you a happy Christmas) message

i dont want to hear back from them. Ive also moved house, and not told them, so noone knows when i am. My father does have my contact details, so i supose he could pass my details on.....

Shoptilidrop, I am in the same position and this will be the fifth year of my whole extended family getting together, just down the road for a 'family' Christmas whilst my own little family is excluded. I'm still boggled at the whole thing really.

Up until this year I was still very angry. Time does lend perspective and this year I am fine. I've a nice circle of friends, my dh and children are lovely and I'm very proud of how we live our lives. We work hard, do voluntary stuff in the community and try new things. I do regret letting bad thoughts about my family abandoning me take precedence for the previous years though at Christmas time. This year I am not going to cry on Christmas day.

The thing is, when there is no contact, there can be no resolution. It's like someone dying but not being able to move through the stages of grief. I have wondered fruitlessly about my step-mums motivations but I try not to dwell anymore and keep myself busy.

I do feel for you. I don't know what to say about cards and presents. It might open a door between you and your extended family. At least they will know that you think of them.

Take care.

judgenutmeg - thanks for that. I think i will send just a card. I am still very angry - i cant spend too long thinking about it as i quickly descend into a complete rage of how can they treat me like that, and how can others sit by and let it happen. Then i end up crying and depressed. It is better that i dont think of it at all. Like you i do wonder fruitlessly about my step mums motivations, but i do know there will be no resolution - she has made that more than clear. It does seem daft for me to worry about sending a card - when other family members have happily not sent me nor my dd cards, and noone has said anything about it.... must stop as am making myself angry again.

It sounds like sending a card will make you feel better.

I do feel for you. x

I agree with sending a card with generic happy christmas message in it and no other message. Shows you are nto harbouring a grudge (even if you are) and that you are the grown up. And in case they don't still know your address, include it on back of envelope so they can send one back.

Judge - can i ask how you have got to a place where you are fine with it all. I just cant see that i can get there. I do manage to go for a few days but then it jumps up and bites me again. I do feel so venhomous ( sorry about the spelling) towards all of them, those that have been so horrible to me and im equally angry at those that have just stood by and watched and accept that im no longer part of the family. I dont get how we can be so easily erased.

I am estranged from most of my immediate family. Personally, I wouldn't bother sending cards to your aunts/grandad if they are not in contact with you and you have no desire to have contact with them. If you are angry and hurt the best thing you can put between you is distance and this means no contact.

I only send a card/present to my mum because I am very nice . In return she sends presents to the DCs and cards to them. I also send a present to my half-brother via my Dad. I receive nothing back, neither do the DCs. I receive/send nothing to my other siblings.

They don't bother with me so I don't bother with them. Sad but true. Constant reminders about not receiving stuff or whether to send stuff only rake up the hurt, imo.

Just read your post judgenutmeg. I salute you. You are in a position I hope to be in within a couple of years. I'm still at 'the getting cross with myself for getting upset stage'. Stories like yours are an inspiration.

sorry to hear that castles - i do feel for you too. I would love to be able to move on from this, but i do agree the decision to send or not send a card just rakes it all up. I have today in the post recieved a card from one of the aunties, it just simply says merry christmas. It actually makes me feel sick to look at it. Then i want to rant and rage and i feel incredibly angry. It is not good to be like this i know. I do think that really for me cutting contact with all of them is the only way to stop feeling like this. It helps to know other have/are going through the same things.

I'm estranged (or maybe just strange ). Anyway, I don't send cards and if I receive them, I bin them and forget it. Took me years to step away from my family but it has been 18 months now and it totally works for me. I don't have all the old stress, trying to not upset anyone, walking on eggshells, feeling guilty, angry, sad, hurt....it's all gone and I get on with my life in a way that I never thought I could. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments, but don't we all?

I'm happy now (and that also took a while to get used to) It worked for me to step away but that's not to say the same will work for everyone and like I say, it took me a LONG time to come to my own conclusions.

Just do whatever feels right for you and don't give anyone the power of sh*tting on your cornflakes.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Well, I don't know whether this will be helpful or not but it actually took a crisis in my own little family circle for me to move on. My dh, who is such a lovely man, had a bit of a mid-life this year which was extremely difficult to cope with at the time. Focusing on 'our' family and desperately wanting to help him but knowing that he just had to work through his angst in his own good time sort of put things in perspective.

I'm embarrassed at the state I used to get in over my step mum and Dad. I no longer find myself having angry conversations with myself, out loud in the car or crying whilst I drive. (Couldn't do it at home as would make dh feel impotent/upset children.) I swear much less and have more patience. I used to feel like I wanted people to know how much I was suffering inside and I was cross that they were oblivious.

Just this year my eldest sister has spoken to me for the first time about how lonely she has been (moved quite a distance away) and how it made her realise how awful I must have felt being lonely everyday whilst ostensibly living in the same street as my family.

Somehow, having more angst and trouble at home - even though it was for a short period and resolved very happily - made me 'get it'. I can't change or influence my family, I am a really decent person with lots of good qualities and I don't need to try and 'understand' how my extended family members view me. I have become less tolerant of bad behaviour by adults though and subsequently have little time for my PIL as they put me firmly back in a bad mental space. Posting here helps my frustrations disipate.

I'm so sorry for anyone going through this awful mental isolation. It really is incomprehensibly shite but it can pass or fade. It just takes time. Christmas is a difficult time for people like us so please take it easy on yourself. I feel so sorry for those who really have lost loved ones, if we had perspective, we could see that this turmoil needs to be set aside, not dwelt upon as it really does no good and can consume you.