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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help - could this be the beginning of an affair, what am i thinking?

22 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 09/12/2008 17:31

Yes, you read it right. I have had feelings for the man for a few months and he has started to make suggestions that it could be more - can i come round for coffee and when am i free etc! We have each others phone numbers for legitimate reasons that i wont say as fear of getting recognised. He is gorgeous but he is married and i am in a relationship with childre, What the hell am i thinking??? How can I stop these feelings and urges. I have never done this before and highly condemn this type of carry on.My relationship has gone stale and I guess Im looking for a bit of attention - HELP!

OP posts:

rislip · 09/12/2008 17:36

He is married and you are in serious relationship. Imagine for a second the devastation this will cause for both families. Cut off contact with him altogether (delete his numbers etc) and put some effort into your relationship. Counselling etc if you think it's worth fighting for.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 09/12/2008 17:38

I no i dont even no why im asking because i no what i should do. Cant delete number as i have it for a reason to do with children and activities etc

OP posts:

TurkeyLurkyWithAllTheTrimmings · 09/12/2008 17:39

Imagine Christmas without your DC's because they are at your ex's. That should do the trick.

Either that or a bucket of cold water

snoringnightmare · 09/12/2008 17:41

So your relationship has gone stale and you're getting attention from a gorgeous man? Mmmm - sounds like a recipe for an affair and disaster.

Resist unless you are prepared for your life to implode.

toadstool · 09/12/2008 17:41

It's a nice fantasy, but can you deal with the reality (lies, complicated life, your DP's reaction eventually, talking to your kids about it when - not if - they have to be told, his wife contacting you...). You say you would judge someone else who did this, how does it feel to be the one who would be judged?

LaDiDaDi · 09/12/2008 17:42

Tell this man that you are in a committed relationship and as such would prefer it if any contact could be strictly related to the children's activities etc as you have no wish to see him in relation to anything else.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 09/12/2008 17:44

i no i no i no. its wrong and im gonna put a stop to his thoughts tonight!I will tell him outright - no

OP posts:

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 09/12/2008 17:45

i will ladidadi

OP posts:

HolyGuacamole · 09/12/2008 17:52

Yeah, agree with Ladedadi. What if your man did it to you?

You know what's right

onlyanauntie · 09/12/2008 18:00

Speaking from experience, it starts with texts, coffee etc but soon pulls you in, the feelings get so strong you can't see the wood for the trees and you start thinking you want the other man, before you know it, it's a full-blown affair which will always end messy no matter what the outcome....please don't do it

mrsmaidamess · 09/12/2008 18:01

Imagine him scratching his arse and leaving his toenails clippings in the bed.

OhGetOverMyself · 09/12/2008 18:04

Ew, he is married and this is how seriously he takes his wife? Do you want a bloke who would do that? No. You really don't, trust me, I have the t shirt...give it a few weeks and you'll start to lose respect for him anyway which should deal with the burgeoning fantasies

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 09/12/2008 18:07

yes your right -i am probably one in a long line!

OP posts:

stuffitllama · 09/12/2008 18:12

I feel sorry for you .. the only thing is to stay out of his way as much as possible. Soon you could start justifying things with any poor behaviour by your dp and that's not a road you want to walk. If you want to do it enough you will find the excuse. It's a road to hell.

Original poster

shatteredmumsrus · 09/12/2008 18:18

god i sound like a whore!and i havent even done anything, thinking about its bad enough

OP posts:

stuffitllama · 09/12/2008 18:20

you're not a whore
loads of people think about it
you're not good if you're never tempted
you can't help what you feel but you can help what you do

elastamum · 09/12/2008 18:22

Stay well away. I am in the middle of a very upsetting divorce as my H has had an afair with a married woman. It has wrecked two families Is this the future you want for your kids

Pantofino · 09/12/2008 18:33

I fell into this trap once upon a time. It caused at least 2 years of unhappiness and confusion for all concerned - including me. This was pre marriage and dd though.

There's a guy at work I seriously fancy the pants off. Even if it was offered on a plate, no strings attached, I would NOT go there. DH and I aren't perfect but I would not risk our family for anything. And I really hope dh feels the same.

I don't think it is unreasonable to fancy other people at all (it's probably inbuilt) but sometimes it is just damn irresponsible to act on the feelings.

Pantofino · 09/12/2008 18:36

PS - There were no kids involved or marriage for that matter! I was bad but not THAT bad.

stuffitllama · 09/12/2008 18:38

Everyone thinks they are immune. Who doesn't disapprove of adultery? But it takes work to be immune sometimes.

Pantofino · 09/12/2008 19:01

I', not sure that anything (kids, marriage etc) makes you immune to temptation, but at the end of the day....none of us are perfect, but we also have to accept the consequences of our actions.

chosenone · 09/12/2008 20:06

The key is not to give into slightly, I had an affair pre children and caused me and DH to split for a while! then reality bit and it was awful! You will want to go coffee have a secret meeting the first kiss would make you burn with desire and feel alive but... it would fizzle out become stale and dull and isn't worth wrecking lives over! I have seen friends drawn in wanting to bump into the person then secret texts etc, you have to head it off at the pass before it happens unless you want to take one of the biggest risks ever....

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