problems with marriage... what to do?

[nvj]

hi - DH and I have been married 8.5 yrs and have 2 young children but recently things have been really strained between us and it mainly boils down to sex... he wants it more and i'm not that bothered...
I love my husband and can't imagine life without him but i don't really fancy him at the moment and there's lots of things that he does recently that annoy me.
I'm also doing a training course at the moment which is very time consuming and has put a lot of pressure on me. We also have an au pair living in the house (since Aug) and i think that has also affected me (ie more inhibitions, can't just be spontaneous!)
we probably have sex once a week (less than that at the moment cos I've been ill with horrible cough/cold for ages and had a death in the family) but I just don't seem to be happy and not really sure what to do about it. My husband doesn't really do the whole seduction thing either, just comes out with it - can we have sex tonight which doesn't really do anything for me!
any ideas?! i need some help. I don't want our relationship to fall apart but he never wants to 'talk' about things and just sulks when he doesn't get his own way which usually ends up with me giving in.
just don;t know what to do so if anyone has been in a similar situation and resolved it the please let me know
thanks for reading x

THis is a far more common problem than you might think, and your DH, by the sound of it, is doing all the wrong things. Demanding sex and then sulking if you're turned down is a fairly sure-fire way to make your partner even more reluctant to have sex - and reluctant to show any affection or pay any kind of complement, for fear that an immediate battle over sex is going to occur.
Are you annoyed with your husband because he does less than his fair share of household work, btw? THis is another common problem: men who don't contribute to the housework find that their female partners now see sex as just another chore and therefore try to avoid it.

he sounds lucky to have you - once a week is more than we have

i just think he should be making more effort but im not sure how that happens really. ive read a few books about sex and you are meant to give practical suggestions to him - ones that are clear to follow rather than a general complain or vague request - maybe work out what you would like and tell him? ie i love to have sex with you but i need a bit more foreplay or romance first...

Agree - have tried and tried to explain to DH that having to clean up after him and sort his life out makes me feel like his mom. And why would I want to have sex with my son? It does feel like a chore. Especially if the only time you can do it is late at night in bed, it feels like you have to do it, rather than being spontaneous.

I think a big problem here is him not being able to talk about this with you. Maybe counseling? He might see that as "go to counseling, get more sex!"

thanks for replying... i know his sulking definitely pees me off - it's like that's not the way to resolve things - you're 38 for god's sake!
no not really housework that's the issue because he works v long hours and does most of the cooking so he does his fair share of stuff. It's just petty things that annoy me to be honest!

Are you talking to each other about the fact you are not having sex? Or are you just both brushing it under the carpet?

I can totally see why you might not be in the mood for it...there's nothing like the stresses of everyday life to dampen the ardour.

But by the same token, a good old sesh in the sack can also put things into perspective and make everything seem not so bad after all.

Could you have a chat, and agree to a compromise...he can be more supportive (you can explain you are far more likely to be 'in the mood if you feel he pulls his weight around the house) and you will make more of an effort to be receptive to his advances.

Tell him what you need from him. Then he can tell you what he neds form you. And iyt snot allowed to be 'more sex'

Men want sex to show that you love them. Women need to be shown love to want sex. Does that make sense?

mrsmaidamess - yes that does make sense and i kind of know all that and when we do have sex i usually enjoy it and think we must do it more often but then i get tired, have been ill recently and a lot of the time would just rather sleep! i know that sounds really bad!
my husband isn't really a talker so it is quite hard to have a chat about this sort of thing. i've just spoken to him and he says he is fine but i can tell he's sulking...
i have suggested counselling before but he isn't keen plus it's quite expensive and can't really afford it at the moment.
will try and talk to him again tonight. sometimes i just want cuddles without feeling as though i have to have sex do you know what i mean?!

NVJ: sounds like the Different Nights trick will work for you two. Basically you make an agreement that on 3 nights of the week, only one of you is allowed to ask for sex/initiate sex, the other 3 nights the other partner is allowed to ask/initiate and the 7th night of the week you can do what you like. This basically works because the reluctant partner gets 3 designated nights a week of knowing that the other partner will not be dropping hints, sighing or whining for sex - and conversely, knowing that it's up to you to initiate sex can sometimes put a low-libido (or temporarily lower libido) partner in a horny mood. What it does is get you out of the deadlock where every night one of you is hoping for sex and the other one is scuttling away frantically to the other side of the bed and pretending to be asleep ie the more you are asked for sex, the less you want it - and the less sex your partner will have with you, the more desperate you become to get it.

does that mean you have to agree to sex THREE NIGHTS A WEEK??!! LOL

Ooh, no. No no no. You agree that the keener-on-sex partner can ask three nights a week - but for three nights a week he/she is not allowed to ask. It stops every night turning into 'will s/he ask for sex' versus 'will s/he agree to sex'