Dd snubbed by classmates... why are little girls so cruel?

[cariboo]

Dd(8)'s having a bad time of it this year. No one seems to want to hang out/play with her, poor kid. I asked her for an example of what happens at recess & apparently she asks if she can play with 'friends' x,y,z and they say "no, it's a secret game". She follows them anyway & they of course tell her to get lost. She doesn't seem to understand the idea of 'playing it cool'. How can I help, if it all? It's sooo painful, seeing your dc rejected by her classmates.

I remember girls at school being mean to each other & to me & how agonizing it felt but I always had at least one 'best friend' to play with.

I feel so badly for her & wish I could do something! She's a pretty, cheeky, active & seemingly 'normal' 8 yr old - how has she become a social disaster? (sad)

oh dear, poor dd

is this the first time it's happened ?

havent really got any advice just wanted to say hope she isnt too upset by it all ,kids are very cruel

btw, she's tried playing with others in her class & even the younger and older ones but that doesn't seem to work either - she's still horribly lonely...

cariboo

Your DD has not become a social disaster at all but her so called friends have. These are not nice people to hang around with.

What about her playing with girls from another class at lunchtime?. There's bound to be someone who wants to play with your daughter.

You may want to read "Queen Bees and Wannabees" initially and then discuss its content with your daughter. You may also want to have a discreet word with her class teacher.

Does your dd have any friends over to play?

My DD1 went through this when she was 8/9 so I know exactly how you feel.....

I would have a discreet word with the teacher

Can you arrange some play dates with other girls in her class?

Interesting, chestnut. She doesn't have anyone over because her little brother (5) has behavioral problems, including adhd, and misbehaves, interferes & throws tantrums if friends come to play, especially if dd has someone & he doesn't.

You said 'recess' cariboo, are you in the USA? 3rd grade?

it must be heartbreaking to see that. Poor little girl.

How long has this been going on for? I remember things like this going on with a group of friends I had as a child and apart from one girl the rest of us all had turns of being the one told to sod off and that the games were "secret"

No, I'm canadian & that's what we used to call it. Dc are in a Swiss school where the break is called la récré. They were born in Switzerland & are bilingual, so language/culture shouldn't be a problem...

So sad to read this. I have been there, I know how much you want to say rude things to them, perhaps even smash their heads together, and I know even thinking such thoughts is making you feel guilty. Believe me, I know...
But let's be grown up and practical -

1. Check out the situation. I gathered info from friendly dinner ladies, carried out secret observations (truly, I did).
2. Talk to classroom assistant/teacher/dinner ladies. Get their feedback. Are there any lunchtime clubs she could attend to take the heat off where she might meet kids from other classes.
3. Target the second most popular group of girls. Engage this group's parents/engineer an invite/offer a tea invitation/a pick up from school to save them trouble. Present as fait accompli to your dd. Promote the friendship as best you can. Don't be surprised if the first-choice girls try to get in on the act.

Try any/all of these. Use friends from after-school activities to block the gap. And plenty of reinforcement that, to those who love her, she is Fab. I wish you luck. I've been there and am currently watching a good friend go through this with her dd too. It's horrid.

our school has a friendship stop, if any child has no-one to play with they are supposed to stand/sit here.

not sure how well it works.

could you have a word with the class teacher? how long has it been going on for?

in my dgc school, they have a freindship bench, any child feeling lonely,sad or having noone to play sits there, all children are encouraged to play with someone sitting on the bench, they get merits and things, it seems to work quite well

Cariboo, had kind of the same thing recently (fairly ongoing) here

bloody nightmare!

Missed loads of posts. Now see that you're in Switzerland and also that your ds has special needs. Above advice still offered though.
My dd's older brother is physically disabled so to her friends we were also 'different'. Blimming hard work trying to maintain a normal social life for her. Very difficult to get over the 'look at X's brother, doesn't he walk funny' thing. Some you win, some you lose. You already have a lot of pressure, but it is important to keep trying. How about playdates whilst ds is only there part of the time, or organised playdates doing something he is good at. My DS is much in demand amongst dd's friends for his ability to make little personalised videos on his computer.

(musing) it's a bit like The Wild Thornberries with ds being Donnie & dd Eliza, except that dd is nothing like Eliza (not particularly adventurous or daring) and of course she doesn't have a talking monkey friend to pal around with either! (grin)