getting really stressed about leaving dd with dp when i go back to work.

[gokwancarr]

I'm probably over reacting, but i'm getting my knickers in a twist about going back to work and my partner is making it worse
dd has refused a bottle since she was 4wks old, only just starting to take a couple of ounces at a time now, although she is 7 months so on solids and doing well yadda yadda....but obviously as a result of being excl BF for so long, she and i have never been apart for more than 3hrs (which is i'm sure part of the reason i am getting so upset - i'm fightimg back tears now), and dp has never been alone with her for more than 2hrs...(he only has one full day off work a week, so it's difficult to get him to spend time alone with her at present cos obviously we all want to be together when he is off)....but the real problem is he is so touchy whenever i try to advise him on her needs, and i'm not talking about me giving him PFB intructions like 'she only likes the blue rabbit in her left hand when she naps', i mean like he does know when she's hungry, or even how much milk to give her etc, when i try to talk to him he just brushes me off with a breezy 'we'll be fine!'...
part of me thinks right you fucker, we'll see how fine you feel at the end of my first day back, ha ha!! but then the other half of me is v worried cos DD will be unhappy and i'm at work for 12 and a half hours at a time (only once a week before you all flame me).....
i am feeling so miserable about going back, and i can't stand the thought of her crying for me.....give me a slap/hug/talking to and sort me out.

I think you should have a 'trial' day. On his one day off, you go away for the whole day. But don't go far.

That way, if it all blows up in his face, he can ring you and you can come back.

also when he is with her, as he is now downstairs, he is always asking me what he should be doing , and i know this is because he's not sure if he's doing it 'right', but i've tried so hard to encourage him, maybe i've gone too far the other way and he doesn't feel confident?

i've suggested a trial day many many times...just never seems to happen, or he gives up very easuly at the first sign of difficulty, eg if she pauses whilst drinking a bottle he'll immediately say she doesn't want anymore....or if she fusses when eating he'll asy she doesn't want it. it's just difficult cos i know that she does, he just needs to cajole her a bit more, and if she doesn't eat enough in the day she will be hungry during the night - and i'm the twunt who has to get up ith her in the night!!

When are you going back?

Would it be possible to leave DP with her for a shorter time than 12.5 hours just so he has some idea of what is involved? Say, go out from 10am to 2pm so he has to do naps/lunch.

I am thinking that he might be more receptive to help if he has some idea what is involved and you won't have left DD so long that she is going to suffer that much (if at all!).

You have to let him get on with it though - you had to learn and so will he now. Just because he doesn't do things the way you do them doesn't mean he won't cope.

However, I have a husband who won't listen to advice and thinks he knows best, so I understand how annoying and frustrating it can be.

He may well be fine
I felt very similar, DS excl bf constantly etc and had to go into hosp as emergency when DS was 17 weeks! First time I'd left him for more than an hour iirc. I was amazed at how well it went - DH was fine with the bm in the freezer and got him to sleep fine (until then he had been bf to sleep, still is in fact).
Agree with a trial (half-) day.
What sort of job do you have?

He is your child's father. Leave him alone to get on with it. He will get on much better without having someone inderring he is not doing it right. He will have his ways, you will have yours. You need to let go and not show anxiety to your dd.

Some mums get far too wrapped up in believing they are the only ones able to care for their child. Relax and focus on the positive - surely this is better for you than leaving your dd with an unrelated carer?

I was in a similar situation to you. I went back to work part time when my DS was 7.5 months old. My DH looks after him when I am at work. Until I went back the longest time I had ever been away from DS was 4 hours a few weeks before when I went to a work meeting. I was dreading leaving him and was worried about whether my DH would cope, provide enough stimulation for him, know when to feed him, put him to sleep etc
I have been back at work for 3 months now and it has been great. Its really helped my DH establish a great bond with my DS. He doesn't do things the way I would do them but I realised pretty quickly that it doesn't really matter ! It also has meant that DH has gone from being fairly hands off to being fully involved which means I feel a lot more supported. I do think DH realises as well how hard, boring, tiring and also how much fun, amazing, etc it can be being with a baby all day.
good luck

They will be fine. He loves her just as much as you do. And he's her daddy, she'll miss you but she'll feel safe with him and happy.

It will be hard for you, though, I know.

Was exactly the same for me,almost to the letter. Prior to me working, dh paid her v little attention and didnt have a clue. It was sooo tough leaving her. But just like tumpymother it has all worked out brilliantly. Yes he did things differently and made mistakes but I tried never to pick him up on it. He takes her swimming, soft play,shopping etc. and they have a great time.Yes she does still cry when I leave,and it is still hard to walk away at 19mo but they have a wonderful relationship now, and the bonus is he now understands it it isn't all jolly coffee mornings.

Do try to remember that when your dd was newborn ^you had to learn to read her signals. Doubtless there were times you got it wrong and made her unhappy. That is part of the learning process for any mum. Your dp needs a chance to go through the same learning process. And your dd is much older and tougher now than when she was first dumped in your inexperienced hands

all wise words, i am feeling better about it today.
i do get your point about allowing himto make his own 'mistakes' but as i have already made them previuously i just fel it's unfair ti put her through that again...btw i am actualy quite good at spelling but dd trying to joijn in

"i do get your point about allowing himto make his own 'mistakes' but as i have already made them previuously i just fel it's unfair ti put her through that again"

It's unfair not to put her through it and deny her a proper relationship with her own father independent of you.

And it won't be "going through that again", like cory says, she is much bigger and tougher than she was when she was a newborn.

It's also unfair on him to assume it will be so traumatic for his daughter to be left in his care. Trust him. He is a parent just as you are. Other than breasts he can give her everything she needs, just like you can.

Agree, it's not unfair at all. She will have a unique relationship with each person in her life. A mother has to let go, in that respect, and not see herself in charge of all her child's relationships.