DH always in a mood with my parents. What do I do? Is he justified to be in a sulk?

[DiscoDizzy]

My parents and I are fairly close. DH is always 'off' with them. In short (I hope), I think his problems with them are as follows:

Dad tends to talk 'at' him and never lets him get a word in and bores him to tears.
When DD's were born, they never helped and generally never bothered with them.
They never offer to babysit.
They tend to be unreliable and he sees that they take advantage.
The tend to take a lot (old possessions that perhaps could've been sold e.g. television, light fittings) but things I've offered them, but they never really 'give'.
Things tend to be on their terms e.g. recently asked if DD1 could come for tea the following week and was told that they'd think about it. They are pensioners, aged 61 and 80 and are very able.

Today DD1 is going to their house for a few hours (rare treat). They were coming to get her and bring her back. They rang this am and asked if I could meet them somewhere about 10 mins away (25 mins away from them). I agreed cos it doesn't bother me (don't know their reason for not travelling the extra 10 mins) but DH is now in a major moody sulk though he says there's nothing wrong.

Has he a right to be like this? If it doesn't bother me then why does it annoy him so much? I wish he would just ignore it and let me get on with things like this.

He doesn't want them here for Xmas Day (they come for 3 hours incl lunch). I don't mind his brother and SIL coming all afternoon on Boxing Day. He has no other real family.

Sorry for the rant. Impartial advice needed please.

It sounds to me as if your parents aren't particularly likeable. You love them and can put up with their idiosyncracies to some extent because they are your parents, begot you and brought you up.

To your DP they are just some not particularly interesting or generous old people. He tolerates them as best he can.

Try to see it from his POV.

He hasn't got a right to sulk and stamp his tootsies and make a big deal out of it: he is an adult and should be able to mind his manners, not act like a toddler when he doesn't get his own way.
However, if they are coming round every day or every weekend scrounging and moaning, it's not unreasonable of him to be less than thrilled. But what does he actually want? If it's to see a bit less of them, that might be negotiable, if it's for you to cut all contact he is being unreasonable and selfish.

He says he likes them but struggles with my father. I've basically listed their bad points, they do have good points. I get upset because he does talk to my mother when she's on her own but he barely talks to them as a couple. If they come to visit and he pops in for a coffee (benefits of self employment) he can barely bring himself to say 'hello'. I hate it and hope they don't notice it.

stick - he sees them briefly every couple of weeks or so (just as he's passing when they are visiting me and DD2 through the day). He barely sees them really.

tbh, I think what you've described would piss me right off too! It's different for you, I suppose, you love them so you forgive all this shit.

but what you've described is, frankly, them taking the piss. No loving husband is going to like his wife being walked all over and not valued.

But, like I say, I am only going on how you've described them, I have no idea if they do a million caring, thoughtful, redeaming things that you haven't mentioned!

sorry, can't really give an opinion without the full picture.

but based on their bad points they don't sound too great. if i were in his shoes i wouldn't be impressed.

Again, hard to say, they don't sound that bad tbh, just typical if perhaps unhelpful.

I would agree with Hecate's response in that these people are taking the micheal.

Why are you not seemingly challening them on the behaviors that upset you?. He cannot ignore it simply because you are currently. I would start thinking about why you are so accommodating towards them when this is evidently not returned. It seems to be you have been conditioned by them to such an extent that when they say "jump" your reply is "how high?".

Also their advanced years is no excuse as they have likely been like this for many years. Purely going on your writings it seems to be their way or no way.

hi disco

I have to admit I'm the one who can't tolerate my PIL for similar reasons to your DH and I find it very hard to be around them without wanting to voice my opinion - which I don't out of respect for DH

its the ONLY thing DH and I every quarrel about as he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. He can fully understand why they wreck my head but they're his parents and he misses and loves them

have your parents mentioned noticing anything? do you have siblings they are more helpful with or is it just you?

I think i've made them sound quite bad and I didn't mean to. The points I suppose were from DH's point of view and mine to an extent. They do piss me off from time to time but its rare I say anything. They have many good qualities, they're always on the phone asking after us and DH, they offer to help if i'm ill (out of stubborness I say no - I blame them for that. No offer of help for a few years so i've gained so much independence). They are very loving and tactile, the DD's love them to bits, if I asked for anything i'm sure i'd get it. I think for DH now, even if they do offer any form of help, it annoys him more than ever. I feel as though he wants them to fail more and more, I appreciate it when they want to see DD's, I can see how happy it makes them (DD's) but I can see DH is just pissed off by it. I think he would rather we were like his family (estranged from his mother, father left when he was 5, his brother is close by and comes and go's). My brother isn't close by and I see him rarely. DH who gets on with him even seems pissed off when I speak to brother on the phone. I suddenly actually feel as though he wants me to himself. Maybe not.

have you asked DH if there is anything more to it?

Have added my Christmas name.

dizzy - yeah i've asked him and there seems to be nothing else. I'm so frustrated by it

It sounds to me as if he is only making YOU unhappy by his attitude. I have my problems with my ILs but I am polite to them out of respect to my dh.

am trying to think what my issues are with it but I think mine are nothing more than his parents are useless grandparents to ours but FAB to his sisters and I KNOW we live in Scot and they're in Ireland but there's a direct flight practically right to our door FFS

therefore am no bloody help at all sorry

Yes I think he is only making me unhappy and he's winding himself up with it too. Looks like we shall just have see how things go. Thank you for your responses btw

I don't think he wants you for himself or anything, he's probably just annoyed with them about they way they act, and it probably then drives him mad that you don't seem to think there is a problem with the way they act.
I have just lived with my PILs for six months ! My PIL sounds just like your dad, always wants to talk at people, never listens to a word etc. and it really infuriated me. My MIL is lovely but also has her faults. If your DH comes from a family that is not particularly close (as I do), it is probably difficult for him to see that this may be the way "normal" close families behave.
I think you should let him vent and try to see it from his point of view and, if justified, say, yes they are annoying/unreasonable/selfish etc aren't they. My frustration came from the fact that I found my PILs irritating but then thought I couldn't say anything to DH as it wasn't fair on him. When DH actually agreed that they were sometimes bloody infuriating slightly annoying, it got a bit better!

Does dh ever have to pick up the pieces (of you) when your parents have upset you/let you down/made you need to blow off steam?

If he does, and especially if he has to quite a lot, then it is completely fair for him to mind. Actually, I think it's fair for him to mind generally - rather as we would mind if we saw another child being nasty (or what we saw as nasty) to ours in the playground - it's just instinctive protectiveness.

I think this situation needs some very practical ground rules worked out b/w you and dh (as basic as, when your dad is there can dh please talk to him for 10 mins, & if he does you'll make certain sure dh can escape when the 10 mins are up).

Oh, and as for this Christmas, how about (a) you say although things are set for this year next year dh gets to choose what he wants to do and (b) you do the ground rules thing with dh, well in advance.

Bink-DH never needs to pick up the pieces, I rarely rant and rave. If I do then its just to air my opinion, I don't need anything to make me feel better. On the odd occasion I rant, then it solves things by just saying them. When it comes to Christmas, yes he would love it to be just me, him and the girls but yet I worry, my parents have no other family close by and dad isn't getting any older, he's 80. What if its his last Christmas? I've seen them every Christmas Day for the last 33 years, they're only here for 3 hours at the most.

DH and I have had a discussion today which was hard for me to hear and he basically (over a period of time) talked about things in the past few months that have annoyed him. I understand where he is coming from and I can see why he gets annoyed, however, I feel as though there is now pressure on me to sort this out. I think DH now wants to see me proactive and that i've done/said something to stand up for myself (although I don't feel the need to). I've explained that i'm just a helpful person, its not just my parents. I'm in such a muddle.

It sounds as if you and he are seeing things (the same things) from different ends of a telescope. I know this is very traditional MN advice, but do you think some counselling might help - where a sounding-board person can listen to you both and help you find middle ground? As at the moment it sounds as if you are in parallel universes.

The (unusually) nice (but further complicating) thing is that you are both trying to be unselfish - your dh is trying to protect you from what he sees as the advantages your parents take, and you're trying to see things from his point of view. Perhaps it was a good thing that he has today told you what he himself really feels and wants (rather than trying to guess at what would be right for you) ... but would he be ready to listen to you saying the same about yourself? And - do you know what you feel & want?

Was ill yesterday so just read your post. I suppose yes its good that we're both trying to look after each other. I don't know about counselling, I think for now we'll see how my proactive 'standing up for myself' goes. See if I can turn things around, even if its just a little. Maybe they just need some things pointing out to them in a nice diplomatic way for now. Thanks again