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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am so scared

5 replies

lighthouse · 05/12/2008 10:45

My mother had a relationship 20 years og with a much younger man and the end result was my sister now 20. The father did not want to know alledgedly and so my mother met someone else and he raised my sis.

My sis has now wanted to find her real dad and I have managed to trace him, he has taken this very badly as he says my mother told him that someone else was the father.

Over the years my mother has tried to contact him,I did not know this, and he has accused me of lying to him about everything.

He clearly doesn't beleive me.

I am scared as my mother doesn't know I have found him and my stepfather will be devestated because he brought sis up.

Sis has been in bits over this for quite some time and I thought I would try and help her. I am worried that I have stirred up a hornets nest.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 05/12/2008 10:50

You probably shouldn't have done more than support your sister in her quest for her biological father. But you have, so you have to move forward from the place you are now both at.

Has your sister spoken/written to the man you traced?

lighthouse · 05/12/2008 10:53

No, no one else knows at the moment as I have tried to keep it quiet to stop anyone else getting hurt including sis and his family.

I cant tell her about it yet, I was hoping he would say he didn't want to know and that would make it easier. It would hurt her but she would get over it and be able to move on with her life.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 05/12/2008 10:56

You must tell her, and apologise for getting involved, however difficult this is. Say that you meant for the best but hadn't properly thought through the consequences.

I think you ought to help you sister find some kind of counsellor to help her contact her biological father with professional support.

Anna8888 · 05/12/2008 10:57

Maybe you should try to talk to someone used to helping adopted children trace their bio parents before talking to your sister?

lighthouse · 05/12/2008 11:01

I cant tell her unless I am sure of his intentions but I think he is confused as to if he really is her dad. My mother is a profound liar and has lied to me over the years about all sorts. Sis is def his though as she is the spitting image of him.

Naturally he is angry at the moment and we have only corresponded via e-mail so I don't have a reliable contact for him and talking via e-mail is difficult really.

I can understand why he is mad, I really wish I hadn't got involved now plus me and my DH are having some time out after a severe row on Tueday, he has gone to his mums for some thinking time.

feel like poop!

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