My relationship with my mother is disasterous

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Ok, so this is more letting off steam than anything else

My mother is a selfish, judgmental, condecensending, needy, self-absorbed, self-important, manipulative and patronizing person who believes that the whole world revolves only around her and that she is the Mother Therese re-incarnate and that everyone should worship her and think that she is so wonderful

I am so disappointed and yes, probably angry, that I do not have a typical mother/daughter relationship (you know, where I can ask advice, share ideas, get support without judgment, have a laugh, do nice things for her, have lunch together, etc etc).

I hate myself for not being more "loving" towards her, but in reality, I think she was and is a bad parent and I do not want to emulate in any way her parenting style with my children - moreover, I don't want her anywhere near my children for fear that she will treat them how she treated me growing up. I know I could do with some therapy / counselling to talk through it all but to be honest, I am a bit afraid of waking the tiger and facing all my anger - sometimes easier to let it all rest - but then, I don't want to repeat her mistakes with me with my own children

I don't say any of this to her - I just smile and go through the motions - but inside, I want to scream and never see her again

She is staying with us at the moment, and so I relive it all every day - the critisms, the conditional love, the demands, the tantrums, the sulking if she doesn't get her own way, the judgment of my children (calling them naughty to their faces)

There is no point saying anything - I've tried it before and all I get is sulking and then she brings it up for the next 3 years - it doesn't achieve anything so I keep my mouth shout

But I am fuming on the inside. How completely disfunctional. I could go on. I could give very specific examples. But what's the point.

I wish I could think that I was being irrational, but my brothers and their respective wives can't stand her (all the same reasons) and my best friend who is the most logical, balanced and caring woman in the world thinks my mother is a completely manipulative and sad woman

I would suggest that you have a good read about NPD first, see how you feel. Often these personality disorders overlap - there could well be some histrionic in there...

As for counselling, it depends perhaps on how 'dmagaed' or tied in with your mother you feel. There is only one way to deal with NPDers - and that is to cut them off. Walk fast in the opposite direction. Sad but true. You say you might feel too guilty to do that - guilt is something they play on. It is how they get their N supply from you.

Counselling - with a counsellor that knows about this disorder - can be very helpful. Can help you to understand what you are dealing with, understand and accept that you have to protect yourself and your dcs and that you are doing so in choosing to sever ties with an N parent(s). Can help you overcome feelings of guilt and the very human longing we have for warm and close family ties.

So yes, you might consider counselling.

But as for turning into her, that is unlikely probably, since you have identified very strongly that you do NOT want to be like her. You have made psychological distinctions already - you are half way there. You may have traits of hers that you have 'learned' but with self-awareness you can spot them and put a stop to them.

Read as much as you can about NPD first and post if you have questions.

happy reading.

thank you thank you - you have all been wonderful