Thinking of cutting down contact with my dad over blatent favouritism, wwyd?

[spiderpig]

I apologise in advance if I sound like a spoiled brat, in truth I know I'm acting like one but I'm not sure how to stop

I have an older brother, he's nearly 40 and I really do love him to bits BUT he is absolutely and totally useless with money, always has been and my parents have always bailed him out, which of course has lead to him never learning to be responsible

I have always felt slightly jealous of this but have mostly been able to shake it off, and tbh I really don't want the same level of help (or any at all!) from my parents, so I was just happy to be making my own way

But recently the 'help' for him from my dad has stepped up a gear and I am feeling jealous but most of all I feel hurt

My brother is struggling at the moment, but so am I (like a lot of people I think) but my brother has very little to pay in the way of bills and has one child- I have a mortgage and several of the little monsters , now of course the house and the amount of children is entirely my choice and I don't expect anyone to help me but it hurts that my dad is happy to watch me struggle but can't sit back and let my brother struggle

I could just about understand it if it was just help with bills but it's so he has money to go out all the time, money for take aways so he doesnt have to cook etc etc I'm going away soon and we will have very very little spending money (fine, our choice to go away) but dad's paying for my bro and his son to go abroad in a few weeks

But two things have really brought it to ahead for me recently, I lent my brother some money and my dad paid it back to me so I didn't ask my brother for it and also my dad has just given my brother a LOT of money to pay for a really expensive chriatmas present for his son when he knows my lo's won't be getting very much as it's been a tight year for us

God I know I sound pathetic but it just hurts so much that my dad doesn't seem as bothered about me

I'm not going to say anything to him, I know it's his money and he can do whatever he wants with it

But I am thinking of trying to see him less often all I ever hear about is how much he's given my brother that week or what bills he's paid for him

Do you think that sounds like the best idea? Or if anyone has any ideas how I can just get over this that would be great

I think you should talk to your father about the way his actions are making you feel. You should probably also talk to your brother about it.

Cutting down contact is likely to lead to more difficulty not less. If once you've aired the problem with both of them you find the situation has still not improved then I suppose cutting down contact would be an option.

Oh and by the way you don't sound like a spoiled brat in the slightest.

Don't do it.

It doesn't mean your father loves you less.

Could you say something like 'I'm so annoyed DB can't stand on his own two feet... Everyone is struggling... Actually Dad can you just not tell me?' and agree to not talk about it.

I understand how you feel. My youngest sister never repays any loans she has and I always pay my own way. But as I try to remind myself it's not my business - it's up to my older sister what she does with her money.

Not worth not seeing your dad though I think. Maybe he thinks you are fine if you always have been. If your DB asks I would think it would be very hard for your dad to say no to him.

If you get on with your father in other ways, and your children enjoy time with him, then I don't think cutting contact is the best idea.

I'd try talking to him about it - explain that of course it's his money and if he chooses to help out your brother that's up to him, but since you are also struggling at the moment, you really don't want to hear about it, as it makes you feel hurt and uncomfortable that he doesn't view your problems as being as important as your brother's.

If that doesn't wake him up with a jolt, then that;s a different matter, and I'd not want to spend much time with someone who doesn't see the problem when it's pointed out to him.

Hi, i couldn't read and not respond. I'm so sorry to hear how hurt you feel and i can completely understand. But i think with parents old habits die hard ie your dad has probably nearly always felt your brother needed his help more than you did and perhaps always saw you as the child who was able to manage on her own a lot more. Hence the constant helping out/bailing out of your brother and not helping you.

However, I don't think the way to go is to see your dad less often unless there are other things he does/says which have also hurt you? Even if you see your dad less often the 'hurt' from the past will still be with you.

I understand you don't want to say anything to your dad because you rightly feel it is his money and it is up to him how he spends it. But, i suspect the issue is not money as such, you feel like your dad cares about you less than your brother and that is what hurts.

Could you explain this to your dad? He may have no idea how you feel and talking will give him and you the opportunity to say how you feel? Does your dad show he does care about you/is concerned for you in other ways? ie non monetary?

If there are other issues with your dad you'd like to talk about please have a look at the 'stately homes' thread. Apologies in advance if that thread is not for you.

Rightly or wrongly, it seems that your dad considers your DB to be less capable than you with finance. It sounds like your dad is trying to plug the gap created by your DBs fecklessness around money, and probably doesn't think you require this as you clearly cope much better.

I'm not surprised that this pees you off. It is unfair. However, I would guess that he doesn't actually prefer your db to you so I think you need to compose yourself to address the issue - if you choose to raise it with your dad at all- without anger, as this is most likely to get a defensive response, and instead focus on the confusion and hurt this situation causes
you. After all, it's also the grandchildren you have provided him with who miss out in all this.

If you talk to him with reason then hopefully he will respond reasonably and fairly. Personally, I would try and raise it with him before cutting contact with him.

is there a chance that your dad simply sees you as a capable adult, who manages very well!

and sees your bd as a bit of a liabilty?

spiderpig

There is a saing - neither a lender or a borrower be.

Your Dad has enabled his son/your brother to the nth degree - this helps no-one in the longer term. I see as well that you've also lent your brother cash - why did you do that?. Did you feel obligated to do so?.

You've been "trusted" i.e left to get on with it haven't you?.

Think you are totally not unreasonable to be seeing these people less often.

If your DB asks for money and you don't, that is why your DB gets money and you don't. Your dad probably assumes if you needed help you would ask. So you need to ask. He won't stop giving your bro money though so you can't expect that.

On the other hand if you have asked and he has said no then that's different and very difficult.

Morning all and thank you so much for the replies and the wise words

Sorry I didn't get back on yesterday, I didn't mean to do a post a run (you'd think the blardy children would understand when I need time on mn, but no it's all I'm hungry, i've fallen over self self self )

I do actually feel a lot better about the whole situation just by posting and reading your replies, I think it's something that's been simmering away for a while

And thank you for not jumping on me for being spoiled and childish

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, I am still thinking of cutting contact down a bit but not entirely. I don't want to punish my dad, just preserve my own sanity

I wasn't going to talk to him about it as I said before, because I didn't really think it was any of my buisiness but I am rethinking that now after what you've said. It would be hard though (not something that would come naturally in our family) and I have a feeling my dad would act very hurt then end up throwing £50 at me or something which really isn't the point at all

I was thinking about it again yesterday after I posted and I do think a lot of it is sexism, my dad and brother are much closer (mostly cos they go to the pub together!) but something else that upset me was that my dad said he likes to help my brother out because "when he does work (ie not often) he works really hard" which left me as I look after my five children during the day and work twelve hour night shifts looking after mentally ill elderly people who often try to decapitate me with fire extinguishers and I clean up thrown excrement all night, but obviously as I am a mere woman I don't know the meaning of hard work at all

Sorry I seem to have gone off on a rant there joking aside though it does really hurt although I know I just need to get over it

Oh and wrt to asking, yes I do think there is a certain element of that at play in that my brother will ask and I don't, but quite often my brother will say soemthing along the lines of oh I've only been out two nights so far this week cos I'm skint with a face and will get handed money but there have been occasions when my dad has walked in to find me counting the coppers in the jar to scrape up enough for nappies or milk and, nothing, NOT that I want or expect him to offer me money, just that he's so happy to watch me (or my lo's) struggle

Could you write a letter to your dad, saying what you've said here - outlining the differences in the way he treats you and your brother, telling him how it makes you feel, telling him how hard you work all the time, and making it clear that you want him to appreciate you and what you do, not that you want him to start making handouts to you.

You could also mention how you worry that your brother will never be able to stand on his own two feet if he is constantly bailed out and bought treats as if he's a child.

A letter might be better than a conversation, because you can take your time writing it, and checking it to make sure that it says what you want it to say without making your dad feel he's under attack - ie focussing on how his actions make you feel rather than simply criticising the actions. You can reread and rewrite the letter until it puts over what you want to say the best way you can. Hopefully then a conversation can arise from the letter.

Good luck with this - for the record, I don't think you are being spoiled or childish - clearly your dad's behaviour is very hurtful for you.

Hugs
sunnygirl.

I think you need to get it clear in your head as well what result you want. Do you want your dad to give you money as well? If so I think you should simply ask. Your dad is probably utterly oblivious.

If you want your dad to not give you money, and to stop helping your brother as well, that's more difficult. After all it is your dad's money, and if your brother asks for help, your dad wants to help him. That is a different and difficult conversation.

The comments your dad makes about your bro working hard sound like justifications for giving him the money, rather than getting at you. My bro has never done a days work in his life and my parents support him. They are always saying things like "oh well he is excellent company, really funny" to justify the fact that at 33 he is still living at home. I have to try hard not to take it as meaning "he is much better company and funnier than you". I have taken it like that from time to time and got really pissed off, but then I think, they have to say something positive about him, it's not an attack on me.

Thank you again

Sunnygirl I think the letter idea is a good one, though I think I will wait a while till I am calmer and more composed to write one, in fact I may not even send it, but just writing it all down here has helped so much so that might help even more?

Chukkypig thank you, you are definitely helping me clarify my thoughts, what do I want hmmm well I don't entirely know I think that's what I'm struggling with, I don't want him to give me money, and I don't really want him to stop giving my brother money (although I don't think it's doing either of them any favours)I guess I want some kind of acknowledgement that I'm his child too and that he cares about me, and I would like him to stop talking about my brother to me as if he's some fragile 5 year old who musn't be upset

I think most of all I want him to stop telling me (or rather moaning at me) about all the many many things he does for my brother, I know it's not but to me it feels like it's rubbing it in iyswim. But I can't just ask him to stop doing it without it causing a big scene/arguement/upset and without it sounding like I'm being a jealous brat, I know if I bring it up it will end up being all about the money and I'll look like some money grabbing witch lol

I agree that telling him that you don't want to hear about all he stuff he does for your brother is the way to go. That means it's not about asking him for money yourself or compaining directly about the money, it's you saying that while he has a right to treat the two of you differently, you're not obliged to sit and listen politely. This would really bug me too.

I'd recommend a book by Anne Dickson, who has written lots about assertiveness, called 'Difficult Conversations'. This is really good for demonstrating how you can talk to loved ones about very uncomfortable things but that you really don't want to ignore any longer.

I agree - great book