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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

advice on friends affair

17 replies

annaje · 03/12/2008 14:53

One of my best friends is about to start an affair. She has been married for about 15 years with 4 DC's and a very lovely, decent husband (who happens to be my DH's best mate). The other man is someone her and I have know for a long time and we used to work with him. She has always had a 'thing' for him and recently he has started up contact with her. This contact has got more and more inappropriate, and she is totally falling for him and has agreed to meet him in a few weeks where she hopes it goes further . She is the classic bored housewife, but I don't think she is thinking beyond the 'hook-up' and the potential devastation it could cause to the family and her beautiful DC's. I've told her I think she is mad but don't want to lose her as a friend by pushing too far with my opinions.

I am also really pissed off with this man, because he knows her situation and doesn't care.

Any ideas please?

OP posts:

Weeteeny · 03/12/2008 15:02

If she was my friend, I would have to tell her I could no longer be friends with her if she embarked on this affair,particularly if the people who are going to be hurt were also my friends.
The hurt and devastation she could potentially cause is huge, all for the sake of a tawdry fling with someone she used to fancy.
I have been cheated on, so therefore perhaps my judgement is clouded, however I couldn't condone this with my friendship.

honestfriend · 03/12/2008 15:08

real friends are there when the going is good or bad.
I'd suggest you say that you don't want her to get hurt, then back off and be there with the tissues....

Bramshott · 03/12/2008 15:14

I agree with honestfriend. All you can do is advise, and then stand back and proffer a shoulder to cry on.

If you don't want to hear about it, you should also tell her that upfront though as there's nothing worse than hearing "and then he said this, and then this, and then this" when all you're thinking about is "this is going to end in tears".

LIZS · 03/12/2008 15:17

Your friendship is going to be affected if she goes ahead, with or without your support. You can't actually stop it so need to decide for yourself if in the interests of being a long term friend you can stand by and wait.

mayorquimby · 03/12/2008 15:26

when it all comes out.how is your dh going to react as i'd imagine it'll be obvious you knew all along and kept it from him?
if i found out my OH knew that my best friends wife was playing away from home and didn't tell me i'd be furious.
it'd be a real test of our relationship as i'd imagine i'd see it as her condoning my best friend being fucked around.

not saying this to scare you orpressure you into anything, just to make you realise that your dh's friendship with the husband changes the scenario slightly and you have to think of every angle so that you don't end up taking any blame for her decisions.

jesuswhatnext · 03/12/2008 15:40

actually, i think some friendships can be pushed too far - are you supposed to lie to her husband (your friend too) when he becomes suspicious? (cos he will!), are you supposed to babysit the kids while she is out shagging?

i would back away from her at the moment, tell her that if she is that unhappy she wants to end her marriage, do it 'honourably' and get your help and support, do it by shagging about and you don't want to know.

Original poster

annaje · 03/12/2008 16:29

Thanks for all your advice. I'm cross with her because now it puts me in a difficult situation with DH and also I think a lot of her DH as we have all been friends for years.

I feel like telling is other man to back off (his own relationship broke up earlier this year and seems to think nothing of breaking up someone else's - even though he has children himself).

I think all I can do is say how I feel and let her make her own mistakes. I don't think she has any intention of leaving DH, but these things get messy real quick don't they!!

Thanks again - mumsnet is fantastic when you need an outside opinion

OP posts:

Bramshott · 03/12/2008 18:02

On the plus side, maybe she'll meet him once, realise that it's a really disastrous idea (these things are always more exciting in the anticipation than in actuality) and knock it on the head then and there?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/12/2008 18:25

annage, oooh tough one

I think if I were in your situation I would

tell your female friend you cannot condone her wrecking her marriage and that you will be reducing contact with her for the time being. Don't give her an ultimatum, just make it clear you will still be there to pick up the peices if necessary but that you cannot be around her while this is happening/being planned
speak to this other guy, ask him what the fuck he is trying to achieve for the sake of a shag
would your dh speak to this other guy?

After this, you will have to step back and keep out of it.

honestfriend · 03/12/2008 18:33

Is your friend unhappy in her marriage or is this just a potential fling?

The other man is free from what you have said, and although she is married, it is her decision not his whether to get involved- she does have a choice. Agreed he should not pursue a married woman, but as 40% of us get divorced, not all those marriages break up BEFORE someone else comes along. If she is unhappy, then what's to say they may not end up together? Not likely but not impossible.

I wouldn't talk to anyone, except her- if she is areal friend you should keep her confidences, but that's not to say that you can't tell her she is making a tit of herself if you feel the guy is not serious about her.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 03/12/2008 19:08

Personally I would, and have, discuss the situation from the POV of how she's going to end up feeling and being treated. If he is only after a bit and not interested in her leaving her DH then what does he really think of her? He probably knows that she's had a thing for him and is now using her as a pick.

You should always be honest with real friends, even if they are doing soething you do not like - just as you would on here

ToughDaddy · 03/12/2008 20:49

She is your friend so I would start by enquiring about her well being: how she is feeling; her (un)happiness; her boredom, her family; her husband....that you are there for her.

Only after you have should you introduce moralising...even then, try to look at things from her perspective. That way you are much more likely to influence her to do the right thing.

Bramshott · 04/12/2008 11:02

I think if I were you I'd set out some clear "rules" from the start, for example.

I am your friend and I care about you. I don't think this is a very good idea, but I will always be here for you.
However, I don't want to hear the gory details (!)
I can't be involved with lying to your DH, or covering for you, because that puts me in a very difficult position with both your DH and mine.

BellsCarolsNSleighs · 04/12/2008 11:10

If she was my friend.. I would ask her how she'd feel if her dh was doing what she is and what happens when it all goes wrong?

I would then leave alone and wait with cups of tea and tissues.

I would however tell her I do not wish to her the ins and outs of it all.. and you won't cover her back or lie to her dh..

QuintessentialShadow · 04/12/2008 11:18

Ask her how would she feal like being a single mum of 4 children, shipping them back and forth for weekend access with their dad, who is most likely hooked up in a flat while she manages the house on her own?

crokky · 04/12/2008 11:25

I think this is a really stupid thing to do. The consequences are severe and lifelong for all parties involved, which at the moment includes at least 6 children by the looks of things.

I personally would not stand by and say nothing because even though I am now grown up with my own children, I still have shit to deal with from my parents divorce and my mum's DP's children have not spoken to him for 10 years.

It is such a major mistake that I would tell her so. Oh, and I would be very careful that you don't end up hiding things from your own DH. My dad doesn't speak to his brother anymore because of accusations of hiding things etc etc.

It just causes such a lot of pain for the rest of people's lives.

Just to caveat - I don't consider everyone who has committed adultery "bad". There are reasons etc and every situation is different - but there seems to be no good reason for your friend to embark upon this.

ToughDaddy · 04/12/2008 21:14

Although relevant, I think that the morality is not the primary issue. I think that you should first concern yourself with how you could:

1)influence her to make the sensible decision for her and family

2)how you could support her as a friend

I think that if you get heavy on the morals you could lose the ability to influence and therefore help her. So you have to offer her trust, emotional support and listen to her before wisely and subtly influencing her. She will then appreciate your empathy and you will be able keep her out of trouble.

E.g. Suggest that four of you go away for fun/ romantic weekend before she goes ahead with other bloke ?

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