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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He wants us back and I am having guilt feelings

11 replies

Caththerese1973 · 21/03/2005 05:29

Hi
I have posted before about my husband and I (see 'do abusive men ever change?'). I just feel like crap because while he has been abusive he also has his good points and has also had a hard life.....he wants me and dd to come back but I don't want to and just can't come out and say 'no' for some reason. I keep stalling him, but actually i am planning to get a rental place for my dd and i asap. Ugh. how will he take it? He has behaved terribly but i don't want to ruin his life. I have been advised by other posters to concentrate on myself and dd and I have been doing so, but at the same time am dragged down by anxiety about dh. Breaking up is never easy...anyway just having a vent.

OP posts:

pixiefish · 21/03/2005 06:45

Remember that you are not responsible for him- when you say- 'I don't want to ruin his life'- he is the only one that can do that- Please don't waste any more time feeling like this but listen to the others who tell you to concentra\te on you and dd.

MeerkatsUnite · 21/03/2005 06:52

Hi,

I'm sorry that he has a hard life but he's an adult now and he could seek help to deal with his past if he so wished. Problem is he does not want to or cannot and is now taking out all his anger and pain on you both. You don't want to ruin his life eh - well he's made a fine mess of yours and your DDs to date hasn't he.

Do not make excuses for him, there is no justification for his behaviour towards you (there are excuses in your message). Do not also make the mistake of putting his problems before your own. They are his problems to sort out, you cannot take ownership and nor should you. I think the other poster who wrote that she was emotionally taught to put other people's needs before hers (as she grew up in a not dissimlar environment to yours) sums up your situation now. This is not a good situation for either of you to be in; what would all this teach your DD if you stayed with such a man. It would teach her that this behaviour is normal.

Stick to your guns - don't go back to him. Get this rental place and seek advice from a Solicitor especially if he becomes nasty and or threatening. Time now to concentrate on you and DD.

Would also suggest you reread your other thread again.

It may serve you well to remember this also - you cannot act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship and you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved.

I wish you well

anorak · 21/03/2005 08:24

Hi. You are right not to go back. Until there is evidence that he is a changed man, you will end up right back where you started if you go back. If he is serious about wanting you back, then he should put himself in therapy and stay there until he has cured himself of the bullying behaviour that drove you away in the first place.

It isn't fair on your dd to put her through all that again unless some real change is evident. I'm glad to hear you are resolved to change your life. You will still be there if he does decide to change, I'm sure.

snafu · 21/03/2005 08:38

I agree entirely with MeerkatsUnite and Anorak.

His 'hard life' is not and never should have been your problem. It is not an excuse for his past abusive behaviour and it is not a reason for you and your dd to return to him, for a future of (very probably) further abuse.

You will not ruin his life by staying away. People ruin their own lives through their own behaviour. He is a grown man and needs to start taking responsibility for his own life and his own actions. The truth, as others have said, is very simple - if he wants to change he will do so. And nothing you do or don't do will actually affect that in the end.

I know it's not easy and I wish you lots of luck. But my feeling is that it will be better in the long run - for all of you - if you leave now and stay away.

mummytosteven · 21/03/2005 09:05

agree with all the previous posters. if you go back to him now, then in a way it's not even in his best interests - he'll take that as an endorsement of his previous behaviour, and is even less likely to see any reason for him to seek the professional help he needs to get over his bad childhood.

his bad childhood is his parents' fault and responsibility NOT yours.

you had a tough childhood - but you don't terrorise your partner/child, do you?

orangina · 21/03/2005 09:06

Everyone is right, you MUST not take responsibility for his happiness (or lack of unhappiness), especially given that it sounds as though he has never been prepared to do the same for you. Meerkatsunite has hit the nail on the head when she said

"It may serve you well to remember this also - you cannot act as someone's rescuer or saviour in a relationship and you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved."

I had an ex dp who, when I said I wouldn't go back to him after a fairly (emotionally) abusive and manipulative relationship and v. painful split, said "but you are the guardian angel of my good side, without you, my bad side will prevail...". What a lifetime of responsibility to look forward to! Don't let it happen to you (I didn't let it happen to me, but it did take me a LONG time to say that I would NEVER go back to him, EVER, and for the message to finally sink in). Do it, you'll feel 1000000 times better for it, taking some control back into YOUR hands. GOod luck...

munnzieb · 21/03/2005 09:13

good luck wiht this, don't go back to him as he will then think each time (if things don't improve and you move out again) you will come back to him. stand strong, it will be tough but u'll survive.

Good luck hope it all works out for you.

Beetroot · 21/03/2005 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bugsy2 · 21/03/2005 09:29

Agree with everything said by everyone else here. You must look after yourself & your daughter now. Big hugs - I know it is hard to walk away - even from those who treat us badly.

HappyDaddy · 22/03/2005 12:29

Whatever has happened to him, he makes the decision to do the things he does. As all have said already, you need to concentrate on yourself and your kids. Hope it goes well for you.

Blu · 22/03/2005 14:09

If you put his happiness (or his claim that it will make him happy if you return) first, you are most definately putting your DDs happiness last -which I am sure you do not want. But that would be the effect. He wants you to return because he cannot bear to lose power over you. he is using emptional blackmail - don't give in to it.
I am sure it must be hard, but once you get over this difficulty, you and your DD will start to see how good life can be again.
Keep asking MN for help when you find things hard, or need support. V many have been through it, know how difficult it can be - and how great it is the other side. You are a Mum to your DD - not him. it is her happiness you are responsible for, not his.

Good luck. xxxx

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