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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you get over your husband's infidelity if you decide to stay together

12 replies

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 02/12/2008 23:10

We are making a go of it

he never loved her, she confirmed in a text message I saw that she knew he never had those kind of feelings for her

I don't even really mind that he fucked her(well I do, but I have kind of got over that particular bit)

it is the fact he was spending time texting her, talking to her and anticipating being with her, wanting her, that I have trouble with sometimes

It has been nearly 2 months since I found out and he ended it. Most days I am fine, but then it comes up and punches me in the face and says "fuck you"

any advice?

OP posts:

Anifrangapani · 03/12/2008 00:18

Time.....

Focus on what you want and keep talking

Accept that it will bite you and be prepared for it.

It can work.

Tortington · 03/12/2008 00:21

i think there is a deal to be struck

the bargain is - you have to trust that he wont do it again.

he has to trust that you wont constantly throw it in his face.

Anifrangapani · 03/12/2008 00:26

And what custardo said.

Pan · 03/12/2008 00:31

check out the times when the "fuck you" feelings arise. No doubt it will be at times of stress and not necessarily in connection with this issue. It'll be over other things, and this will be a 'vent'.

and custardos deal sounds like a start. Good luck.

Myfairygodmotherismissing · 03/12/2008 09:56

Me too, AYCMD. I feel exactly the same - found out about my husband's affair 3 months ago and it ended 2 months ago. We've had counselling and I believe will get through this but that sucker punch keeps coming. He did say he loved her and it's the whole emotional involvement they had that hurts far more than their sexual relationship. What bothers me and I want to know is how long does it take to be able to trust again? Can you ever really?

Sorry, sorry, just realised that I've gone off about myself. Meant to say, I think we have to simply hang on in there and remember why we're staying together. Hope it works out for you.

pud1 · 03/12/2008 10:06

my oh had an affair with a freind that went on for about 9 months before i found out. we split up adn he carried on seeing her. after being apart for nearly a year we got back together. he had realised that she was a gold digging s@"g and although i did not take him back at first we did start to make a go of it. that was 4 years ago. it was hard for about 18 months as like you things kept coming into my head. tbh it still does but not oftern.
things are better for us than ever befor. you do have to rebuild trust and look at why it happened in the first place. in our case i think he had to see that the grass was not greener on the other side

Weeteeny · 03/12/2008 10:09

I think Custardo has some good points.

My DH has done it to me too, it is not the sex that bothers me so much, it is intimacy , texts and the betrayal. The fact he must have told me so many lies with ease.

To be truthful I don't totally trust him and doubt I ever will, in the beginning I threw it in his face in times of frustration, but it doesn't help/change anything. I think Custardo is right you have to move on, but this takes time and it is hard.

As time goes by it doesn't hurt any less, but I think about it less often as we move on and hopefully one day it will be so distant that I don't even think of it.

I hope you both get through this

Original poster

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 03/12/2008 10:57

I don't throw it in his face. He said that he will give me whatever time I need and do anything I ask to help me get over it. But he obviously sees when I am upset by "wobbles".

Maybe I just need to go a little easier on myself, realise that I can't put everything away in some buried concrete box in my head.

TIme is the answer I guess.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/12/2008 17:39

it is very difficult when your dh/dp has an affair - have had 2 friends who it happened to

one , had children and took him back, she forgave him but never forgot - and would throw it back in his face - so much that he then had another affair, my friend forgave him again, and 3rd time she thow him out

2nd -no kids, chucked him out, cancelled wedding, but a year later took him back - so far he has behaved .....

depends if you can trust him not to do it again

HappyWoman · 04/12/2008 07:26

We are now 2 years down the line and i think time is the answer but also bring it in the open - this is not throwing it in his face but giving you some of the answers you need.

He has all the answers in his head and so doesnt understand how the smallest thing can turn into a huge weight in your head.

Could you maybe put aside some time when you are 'allowed' to discuss it? this could be with a counsellor or just you two. Write down anything you want to ask and maybe over time if he is prepared to be open and honest you will begin to trust again - but it ok not to trust for a while he has to earn it back first.

Also try and change something in your relationship, accept that the old marriage has been destroyed by him, but you can have a new one - with new rules and new things.
We now take more time for 'us' and have even had our first child free holiday.

Please dont try and bury it in your head as i think it will come back when you least expect it.

And remember it is ok to feel whatever you are feeling - whether anger, sadness, or just insecure.

Good luck and remember i am always here for you.

Original poster

AreYouCallingMeDarling · 04/12/2008 21:31

Thank you all so much for your replies

Custy - you are right as always

Pan - you are right too - it is when I am down or stressed for other reasons that it all raises it's ugly head in mine. Or when I have had a dream about them, but that one I can do nothing about.

Myfairygodmotherismissing - feel free to go on about yourself as much as you like. Hearing other peoples stories helps. It really does.

Weeteeny - hope you are all ok

HW - thanks for that. I am going to get him to read this thread in a moment and see what he thinks of your suggestions.

Ta All

OP posts:

fartmeistergeneral · 04/12/2008 21:38

5 years later for me and whenever we watch sth on TV or whatever and they mention 'affair' - I flinch. I've never thrown it back at him (not suggesting you have) but I still think of it every few days tbh.

I trusted him REASONABLY soon after it as in, when he went out the door I didn't think he was off doing it again.

I'm glad we stayed together, it almost saved our dull relationship, gave it a kick up the arse. And I'm filled with utter relief that the kids have us both here....

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