How do I deal with ignorant attitudes at work? (long!)

[Bumperlicious]

I know this should be in employment but it is more about my relationships with my colleagues. I have been back at work for about 9 months now and am battling with attitudes from my team. I got so angry today I went down to welfare and offloaded on them, but I still have more ranting in me so here you go...

1. I expressed at work, which seemed to be fine as long as I didn't mention to my team what I was doing. Today the room I did it in came up in conversation and one of my colleagues said "Nope, no, we can't talk about that." and I was flabergasted and said "why not, we can talk about everything else "Nope, no, I just don't want to think about it. You put it in my head now, it's just not right is it?" and another colleague, a woman piped up "Yeah, I find it pretty disturbing too". Right, but when another colleague told us this joke:

What's the difference between football and rape? Women don't like football.

That was ok, even for this other woman. Even though the teller had caveated it "Oh Bumper's not going to like this one. This is going to really upset you." and proceded to tell it even though I said "well don't say it then." So breastfeeding is taboo (this wasn't the first time he had reacted like this to me mentioning breastfeeding in his presence). Jokes about rape and a ten minute conversation today about Thai ladyboys aren't. Don't get me wrong, I can banter with the best of them, but you don't have to be Mary Whitehouse to find rape jokes offensive.

2. My boss proclaims the old "we're really flexible, don't worry it's going to take you a long time to get settled back in, we all know that" but doesn't actually seem to allow for this. I have gone back into a completely new new, new type of job, part time, leaving the baby. I've found it overwhelming, and it has affected how quickly I've settled in and my confidence. I tried explaining the to my boss at my half year review basically saying "I don't thing I did as well as I should have for the first few months, I've found it really hard, but I've turned a corner and putting every effort in now." and he said "yeah, you were quite needy to start with?" when I asked what he meant by that he said "well you asked lots of questions, and couldn't really do stuff on your own." supportive huh?

The thing is I don't even know whether I even did that badly under the circumstances. My job is pretty hard, it's fast moving, things change fast, it's a huge organisation and I was away for nearly a year. Everyone acknowledges that it takes you about 6 months to settle into a new role (we move as a rule every few years) and it's even harder part time. And now I feel that he won't even recognise when I am trying because he has me pegged as needy and doesn't understand (or even try to) the reasons why I found things difficult.

3. We've been having some problems with DH's work which meant he was forced to leave (they wouldn't let him work PT any longer and we shared care of DD). My work were very good (corporately) in that they let me work full time for a couple of months until DH found a job. But the stress of being forced to work FT, leave my DD and our dire financial straights really took it's toll and I had very poor work life balance. I was explained to my boss one day about how trialling the whole situation had been and he just sniggered. And I asked what was funny and he said "Well, it's just so alien to me, having a child is really alien, I just don't understand it." well, being a man is alien to me but I don't fricking laugh and point at all men. We've been through the mill and all he could d is laugh. This is mixed up with other comments like "it's your choice to have children you have to deal with it" and helpfully pointing out that while I found it difficult to find time to go out and exercise etc. he saw a couple climbing mount snowdon with their 3 month old. So obviously I have to be a mountain climber to be seen as coping in his eyes.

So all in all I am having a struggle. My confidence is shot and I don't know how to deal with it all. The thing is, they are generally a nice team, I'm friendly with all my colleagues, we have good banter, but I am the only one with a baby, and it makes me 'different', but they are not willing to alter their views or at least temper what they say even when they can see I'm upset, if anything that makes it worse. I don't want to make an official complaint about the inappropriate jokes as I do like these people and I want to retain their respect. So how do I not let it bother me, but not them thing they can get away with upsetting me. I've lost all perspective as to whether I am over reacting or being unreasonable. The lady in welfare office didn't seem to think so, but she didn't really have many solutions either, just not to try and challenge them as I won't change their attitudes and it will only get me worked up. And to try explain things to my boss, but given his attitude I'm not sure he will get it still.

God, thanks for getting this far, even just a vote of sympathy will help.

Bumper, sorry you've had to put up with all that. But glad things look like they should be improving for you. I really hope things do improve - you shouldn't have to put up with stuff like that.

If it gives you any perspective, I quickly learnt not to mention breast feeding to my female office mate. She obviously found it distasteful. It did annoy me that I felt I had to sneak out, trying to hide my kit from her view (if I was going anywhere else for longer than 5 mins I would have told her in case anyone was looking for me), but decided it wasn't worth making an issue of.

God it sounds horrible, not "a nice team" at all. Are you confusing "laddish" with "good ambiance" by any chance?

No, not at all anna, it's not like that all the time. These are all very intelligent people, but I think with that intelligence comes a level of arrogance. For the most part it's good and the people are nice, but I have been storing up all of the negative points and it has all boiled over. I can manage it and hold my own for the most part, and because I do hold my own they include me in this banter, which is fine, they would leave off if I made it clear it bothered me, which it doesn't for the most part. But they are just a bit too arrogant and thoughtless to see when they might have touched on a sore point.

My boss was actually surprised at my complaints saying "I thought you of all people could hold you own" and I said the Mary Whitehouse line that I put in my OP. So I obviously give off an aura of being able to deal with it, but inside I just turn into the school swot who was bullied for putting my hand up in class all the time.

bumper

sorry things are difficult at work on top of things with DH's job situation and the fact that your life has been a bit hectic lately.

I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said already, but just wanted to lend my support.

They sound like a bunch of immature fuckwits tbh and your boss should be more supportive. Although he seems to have redeemed himself a little after your chat today. I can understand why you don't want him coming down hard on the rest of the team though as they suspect that it's come from you and it could make your working life more difficult. I would've thought that a big organisation like yours would have approproate measures in place for dealing with this sort of bully boy tactics though?

Good Luck with the gender network thing, It's little things like that that can make a big difference in the long term. I hope you can do some good.

Meanwhile, have some chocolate wine and a few virtual {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}.

Glad you feel better Bump - sounds like an ok outcome all things considered.

I work with very intelligent people, but have never had to put up with what you described in your OP.

I assume the actual work is interesting and well paid!!

Interesting yes, well paid, hmmm, not great! But Civil Service so good benefits.

DW used to express in dark room at work. She never told anyone until months after.

Bumper, glad your boss developed a more understanding side today and that you have had a positive outcome from your chat with him.

Still, there IS no excuse for that kind of "joke" and the person responsible should be made to see that - isn't there a code of conduct that you could use to explain to the fuckwit person in question how inappropriate his behaviour is?

I once did this, anonymously admittedly - we had a worker who had bad personal hygiene ishoos, to the extent that even his lab coat stank, just hanging on the peg in the lab. I found our Code of Conduct, and the section on personal presentation (grooming, dress etc.), photocopied the relevant page and highlighted the bit about being clean and stink-free (obviously I am paraphrasing ) and left it in his labcoat pocket. He sorted it out after that - we had all been too embarrassed to bring it up face to face with him, but that approach worked.

Woooah!

Bumperlicious did you say you work in the civil service? well so do I and they are very strict on that kind of thing..I'm talking about the 'joke'.

And they are meant to be family friendly.

Yes benefits are good.

See from the taxpayer side I'd be thinking.."civil servant makes rape joke"...not clear immediately perhaps but do you see what I mean?

I do appreciate that you don't want to rock the boat.

I work with some folk are are pretty liberal with their banter and wouldn't DREAM of making a crack like that.

I know Janos, but what really can I do apart from what I've done already? You can see how it's awkward?

And everyone who has said "well get a new job" it's not as easy as that, my job is pretty unique, I couldn't do it many other places, and certainly nowhere else outside of London, so I'm not even going to consider moving. It's really not that bad, I just have to learn to manage it better. At least I have a job. My DH's last job were so awful to him he was forced to leave. Mine is nothing like that, it's just immature banter, but fortunately it is a place that I can effect change and if I wanted to do something official about it I could and something would be done. It's just not worth the fall out.