I am being a horrid b*tch to my DH - help me to stop!

[elportodelgato]

DH and I had our first LO about 6 months ago and although she is a lovely and I suppose "easy" baby (sleeps well, not a big screamer), I have had some pretty dark moments and sometimes feel isolated, unappreciated, very sad etc etc. I know this is pretty normal but I am finding it particularly hard getting used to my new role as "mum" and not being able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it - I know this sounds childish and petty but a lot of my friends have also talked about having to mourn their old life pre-children.

Anyway, I know i am letting it get to me more than it should and also irrationally taking it out on my wonderful DH who not only works very hard to pay mortgage / bills, but is also a totally wonderful hands-on dad, very caring of me and of DD. I find myself nagging at him over tiny things all the time and I can tell he feels he is walking on eggshells and is a bit scared of me

Well it all came to a head a few days ago - I had too much to drink and was really rude to him, told him I was totally fed up, wanted to run away from him and DD. Obv in real life this could not be further from the truth and I am so mortified with myself for vocalising that tiny immature bit of me which misses my freedom. But worse is that I made him so so sad and upset - he has been in tears and very fragile ever since saying he can't manage without me and why would I say such terrible things to him? even in drink?

I don't have an answer for him, except that I am so so with myself and want desperately to fix it. Obviously I have apologised profusely but what can I do to let him know that he means everything to me and I would never want to leave him or DD? I am so and he is so too. Please please any advice, judgey or otherwise would be welcome. I know I am due a good telling off...

no judging from me at least Have you spoken to anyone about pnd?

I don't think you need telling off.

...it seems you have done enough of that to yourself already!

You have identified a problem, and I wonder (insofar as it is possible to tell from a few lines on the interweb) whether you have just a smidgeon of post natal depression.

...this is allowed. It isn't your fault, and I wager a good proportion of new parents suffer to some degree. There is NO bigger life change than having children, so it is bound to have strange and untold effects upon you.

I think it would be wise to voice some of these concerns to your HV or GP, whichever you feel more comfortable talking to, just to canvas their opinions in the flesh.

Sounds like postnatal depression to me.

You say you "sometimes feel isolated, unappreciated, very sad".

Well the first 2 are IMO fairly normal but the last one is not what most mothers expereince (IMO I hasten to add).

And I don't think your dh being fragile and tearful after one big blowout sounds "normal" either. More like he knows you've not been right for ages but doesn't know how to fix it?

So try sitting down and asking (and listening to the answer!) each other just how "normal" you both feel. What is left of the people you were before you had your baby? Where have those people gone?

Try explaining how you feel to him and tell him he doesn't have to "fix" it - just listen. And read a bit about pnd and give it some serious thought.

oh thank you so much
I have been wondering about pnd, but I really didn't just want to use it as an excuse for my appalling and ungrateful behaviour... but I will read up about it a bit more.
Gagarin, you are so right that we need to have that conversation about what has changed since we had our LO - you know how the time just evaporates and you never sit down and have a real conversation.
I feel very sad about the whole thing and that I am not enjoying my LO as much as a could if I didn't feel so trapped and not very good at motherhood.

Sounds like me when DC3 was 6 months old.

I think I had (relatively) mild PND. When I said it outloud and told him, things got so much better. For me, it was enough, but speak to your HV or GP who will be able to help you.

I'm fairly reluctant to say 'sounds like PND' to anyone, but it does sound quite similar to what I experienced. It might not have been PND, you might be adjusting to who you are now and your new family, it could be something else entirely, but speak to someone and let them help you.

HTH

Oh GOD I felt exactly like this when DS1 was 6 months. For me what really helped was getting DH to admit that parenthood was all a bit of a shock for him too. Up till then he'd looked so fine and happy and sane(!) with everything that I really felt I was an ungrateful mess.

But as soon as I persuaded him to admit that he found it hard too, I felt closer to him. that parenthood was something that had happened to us, not just me.

As for making things up now, could you blame your hormones? They do take ages to settle down, and you could say that they were the reason everything came out so negatively.

I had a bit of a messy time when DS2 was 6 months old, I'm just remembering. It;s always a shock, but that first time adjustment is HUGE. I remember one day with DS1, we ran out of bread. I sat down and sobbed cos I couldn't just go out to the local shop and buy a loaf. it seemed so daunting to get a baby outside the house... ugh.

If it's any consolation, it gets easier every day. Lots of love. xx

PS I definitely had PND with DS1. Do go and see your GP. Babies are hard enough when you're deliriously happy, when you're down it's like pushing a mountain uphill (or another, equally dramatic, analogy.)

this is my first time on here - hello! I sympathise entirely with you as I was told I had mild PND too and felt just like that. In fact I still do often and my boy is almost 2 - but I think that's to do with financial and other troubles. I personally think for me it's to do with abandoment issues - it was a difficult birth (whose isn't?) and I was left bleeding on my own while my partner was with my baby upstairs checking his breathing in the baby unit, but he went off partying with my brother (wetting the baby's head) while i was in hospital and I was so alone I don't know if I ever recovered my anger with him was and still is sometimes - immense. He's a good man but can be a bit crap at times - like most & he doesn't do that traditional role of looking after us financially, so I resent him so much sometimes and even have hit him. I bully him and I hate myself for it so much - I've tried therapy and I understood from that that I come from a disfunctional family (wow, so what) I love my son so so much and I'm terrified of him being hurt - I rememeber being with my brother in a park last yr and I freaked out coz my boy had a tiny scratch! Off on a tangent, sorry - meant ot make you feel better too - I think ultimately what I'm trying to say is we lose and gain so much don't we - becoming a mother? It's terrifying , physically and emotionally and who can help you? Other mums xx

I was exactly like this to my DH when I had PND and threatened to leave him regularly..since I started Fluoxetine our relationship has been fantastic and I feel so much better...I waited nearly two years to get help and wish I hadn't. Please go and talk to someone!

but isn't going on anti-depressents just supressing the real problems? My man says he doesn't know what to do anymore as he's scared of me too. Sometimes it's great and I realise how happy I can be, how cloes to happiness I am -- and then I sink into a deep dark hole again for days. I've thought of getting pills but that would make me more resentful I think, and I like to have a glass of wine in the evenings which always helps me wind down. Maybe after 2 yrs though it's just depression cant be PND anymore can it?X

Lilyelizabeth hi and welcome to mumsnet. You are so right - other mums are the best help!

I think that taking anti depressents can help you cope with the underlying problems. I think its very like like taking aspirins if you have a headache or injecting insulin if you had diabetes. If you are depressed, taking something that helps you lift your head enough to find a way forward then IMO that is exactly the same as taking medication for any other complaint. Its just for the brain rather than the body?

And you can still drink wine if you're on anti depressents

Acknowledging and recognising when you're behaving out of character is such an enormously positive thing - your baby's only 6 months, and everything's SO different - talk to your DH without blaming yourself and over-apologising - your body has borne the burden of this pregnancy and if you are suffering from PND that's another cost you've paid to have your lovely little one, and your Dh sounds like he's able to take the overspill from what you're coping with.. speak to him, honestly, and ask him for support.

You don't need telling off, you need a bit of special treatment till you feel content again. Try not to drink if you can - it's a depressant, and will give you an excuse to blame yourself for the way you're feeling.

Hallo Novicemama,

It is possible you have a touch of the post baby blues but also it is normal to feel like this sometimes without it being pnd - all those hormones and changes.

Can you show him this thread so he knows how contrite you feel?

Also does he have experience of parent leaving him? It is possible that is why he is upset because you threatened to do to your child what was done to him. Or do you have this experience in which case he may think you would do the same as was done to you because that seems normal and a way of dealing with things.

Also dads can get post natal depression too - maybe he has? Can he talk to anyone - not necessarily doctor but a friend perhaps?

Have you had a date night recently where you go out together? Can any of your friends babysit for you one night?

Hope things right themselves soon.

"but isn't going on anti-depressents just supressing the real problems?"

lily - antidepressants don't work like that afaik. I mean - you could live in a sewer and hate it - and go on antidepressants and still hate it! They don't give you a false rosy glow!

They don't make the problems go away; they don't make you forget a dysfunctional childhood; they don't make everything alright.

BUT they can help some people to see a little clearer what the problems are and maybe see a way forward.

Not everyone reacts well to antidepressants but some people do.

I've been offline for a few days but am now almost in tears at how supportive you have all been towards me and what wonderful advice you have given.

Lilyelizabeth - welcome! and thanks for your posts, it's so comforting to know i am not alone with this. And I think the situation you describe just after your birth would make me absolutely furious! I don't know how people handle those feelings tbh, but I completely understand being scared. I am also terrified!

satsumasarenottheonlyfruit - my mother left us when I was about 7 and I have indeed had some big abandonment problems which I saw a counsellor about a few years ago. Now that you have mentioned it, I think there is still some residual stuff about that which is coming out now I am a mother myself. God, it seems so OBVIOUS now that you have pointed it out! but I feel like I have been in such a fog.

dwaynedibbley - my family are not nearby and as a result I do feel like I am on my own a lot. I know other mums locally but they have their own LOs to worry about and I could do with some family help some days. I am so envious of these women who have family who do a day of childcare a week or similar - it would just revolutionise my life!

My DH is working so hard at the moment but I am really hopeful we will be able to have a night out before Xmas and have a conversation as you suggest BEAUTIFUL - we do really need to talk, and i have never considered that his life might also have changed beyond recognition and that he might also be feeling a bit rubbish. And snigger, thank you, I have now sworn off the booze - as you say, it is not helping me to unwind, it's just making me more upset.

I love the lovely women of mumsnet xxx

Bless you, Novicemama! I must add that it DOES get easier in so many ways - and you're doing really well, your baby is only 6 months old and you're already aknowledging your problems. It's interesting how much becoming a mother makes you ask questions about your own parenting - I know I too have abandonment issues (Dad died when I was 17 and my mum has been an alchoholic since, plus violence in my childhood from Dad to Mum) and have lived with fear for a long time. Please remember that you are strong (my friends remind me of this and it helps to centre me) as giving birth is like having a serious traffic accident in what it does to yr body!! BUT there is magic - the laughter, smiles and JOY that children bring & although you lose some of yourself, you can gain what I consider is closest to my imagination of heaven... XX

Bless you, Novicemama! I must add that it DOES get easier in so many ways - and you're doing really well, your baby is only 6 months old and you're already aknowledging your problems. It's interesting how much becoming a mother makes you ask questions about your own parenting - I know I too have abandonment issues (Dad died when I was 17 and my mum has been an alchoholic since, plus violence in my childhood from Dad to Mum) and have lived with fear for a long time. Please remember that you are strong (my friends remind me of this and it helps to centre me) as giving birth is like having a serious traffic accident in what it does to yr body!! BUT there is magic - the laughter, smiles and JOY that children bring & although you lose some of yourself, you can gain what I consider is closest to my imagination of heaven...AND you get to be ridiculously excited about Christmas again!! XX

sorry everyone, posted twice as I'm new to all this - lovely chatting with you all x

one other thing Novicemama - something I've learnt recently from my BF who is also a mum is that this time, with everything being so hard between me and my DH (what does this stand for? Darling Hubby?) is called 'transition' and it's painful and difficult like the 'transition' bit just before you give birth when you think you'll just die with the agony. It's about starting a new life - and we have to take control of the direction that our lives take, whether it's falling into a pattern of arguments and resentfulness or a pattern of kindness and consistency. I know it's hard -- I'm just starting my journey too! Will stop hogging the message board now! PS Thanks Scarlet & Gargarin; I may look into the antidepressents xx

thanks so much for your support lilyelizabeth and your last post resonates so much - such a useful way of looking at it. I knew it was going to be hard but I guess no one can really prepare you for the reality of it until it happens!

I've had some good chats with my DH recently - every night he is coming home looking very sad and says "we are OK aren't we?" and I think we ARE OK, it just takes work to keep it that way and ensure we are both happy and feeling fulfilled and loved. Since I had my LO, 100% of my attention has been on her and there is not much left over for my DH but this must be true for everyone and I am sure we will find a way through it.

Good luck lilyelizabeth, you sound like you're being very thoughtful about your situation and are very aware of thuings in your past, which can only make it easier to get through. And mumsnet is the best support network you'll ever find!

xx