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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just dont know what to do..........

23 replies

havingacrisis · 01/12/2008 14:35

Hiya
I've recently found out my husband has been unfaithful for a quite a long period of time, that has now ended but he's planning to do it again. I know this because he's joined a swinging website to find a no strings attached relationship and through various means I have found out he plans to meet a woman later this week. We have two children and another on the way. I just don't know which way to turn.
Help me!
K

OP posts:

Tortington · 01/12/2008 14:37

go to cab, go to solicitor, go to entitledto.com

then leave him

Original poster

havingacrisis · 01/12/2008 14:50

Thats how my minds working so far. I've made a solicitor appointment but can't see them til next week.
K

OP posts:

SleighGirl · 01/12/2008 14:58

don't leave him, just file for divorce asap & ask him to leave especially if you are not living in rented accommodation.

Original poster

havingacrisis · 01/12/2008 15:01

I wont leave, I want to stay in the house and dont see why I should go, I haven't done anything wrong, thanks, K

OP posts:

SleighGirl · 01/12/2008 15:05

move his stuff into the spare bedroom/lounge or something?

wingandprayer · 01/12/2008 15:05

As above then print off copies of all your evidence and put in safe place. Make sure you access to money, put some where he can't touch it. When he is out at swingers club pack his bags and kick his ass out.

So sorry to hear this what an utter utter shit

SleighGirl · 01/12/2008 15:12

How do you get on with your in-laws? Worth dropping them a line to let them know you are filing for divorce & why, is he likely to BS them with some other story and make you look in the wrong?

SleighGirl · 01/12/2008 15:13

Do you need to get yourself checked out at a STD clinic

TeeBee · 01/12/2008 15:17

And don't let on at all until you have everything in place. You will be in the position of strength at a tme when you will need it. So sorry.

Original poster

havingacrisis · 01/12/2008 15:18

Thank you all, I'm feeling stronger just reading your replies. Its so hard x

OP posts:

SleighGirl · 01/12/2008 15:28

Have you got family or RL you can confide in & will help you sort things out?

Original poster

havingacrisis · 01/12/2008 15:33

Yes I have, just not ready to share this until I get my head clear about what to do, has to be my decision, not pushed into soemthing by what others think, if that makes sense? K

OP posts:

SleighGirl · 01/12/2008 15:35

Makes perfect sense there are many women on MN who have been through this, I'm sure they will have plenty of advice & support for you.

fanjolina · 01/12/2008 16:10

If you can take your time to make a decision, that will be best I feel. You need to think through all the options and whether you want to remain with your DH. Though I am sure with this being so raw you just want to scream and shout at him.

I assume he doesn't know that you know? Would you be able to avoid revealing to him for a few days whilst you sort out your thoughts? If you can't bear to be around him, do you have friends or family you could stay with?

There are lots of women on here who have been through similar - some have stayed with their men, others haven't. But they are all strong women who have come through it. You will too. Check out the fab and glam threads to see how some have got back on track with their lives.

Your instinct will probably be to do what is best for the children, but make sure you think about what is best for you too. You are the wronged party here. Don't compromise on a happy life cos your DH is a cheating shit. You deserve happiness and respect. Good luck!

CountessDracula · 01/12/2008 17:22

When you say you found out recently that he was unfaithful for a long time - does he know you found out?

Have you been for couples counselling?

Original poster

havingacrisis · 03/12/2008 06:50

Hiya
He doesnt know I found out (yet!).
Two days on, I'm managing not to shout at him and am still weighing it all up. I am coming close to losing it with him though so am actively avoiding being alone with him as I know I won't lose it in front of the children.
I swing from being angry, to hurt, to totally numb to it all then to feeling sick at the thought of him with this other girl and then coming home to me.
Aaaargh!!!!!
Thanks everyone x

OP posts:

SpaceTrain · 03/12/2008 09:21

Do you have a plan for when you are going to confront him? Are you just waiting for more evidence first? Be prepared for him to deny everything or blame you for it (i.e state that you weren't giving him enough attention)

Oh, and I second Sleighgirl's suggestion to get yourself checked out for STDs - most men that cheat do not use protection.

Sorry you're going through this.

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 03/12/2008 09:36

So sorry you're going through this.
I think the first thing you need to do is be sure he is planning to follow through on this arrangement.
He may have said that he is going to, but not actually meet her which then would still be him deceiving you but possibly something you could work on.
You say he has been unfaithful before, is this something that has already come out in the open, or something you've found out at the same time as this planned meeting?

Lauriefairycake · 03/12/2008 09:49

get all paper work out of the house and somewhere safe. If you have any joint credit cards where you are the primary card holder pinch them, cut them up, call your credit card company to withdraw authorisation.

And definitely get fully checked out at an std clinic.

If you own your house together while it would be ideal if he can be persuaded to leave you can't make him. I couldn't make ex husband leave so had to put up with him shagging her for 3 months in my house (when I went out to a friends he had her over). If I had my time again I would have left immediately as frankly I went bonkers in those 3 months (in my head, I didn't do anything).

And I would only have contacted him in writing - had a hideous time with text messages, him yelling up the stairs, talking to my in-laws/his girlfriend about me so I could hear. Again, if I could do it all over, I would move out and not talk to him again and take some of my personal power back.

Traumatic and hellish though it is getting over relationships people nearly always do - I am happily remarried.

SpaceTrain · 03/12/2008 09:57

Laurie - do you know what position would moving out leave the OP and her kids in? Would they have any right to accommodation paid for by her DH?

(I'm asking as most of the advice given on here always says never to leave the house - though I can understand in your circumstances why it would have ben preferable)

Lauriefairycake · 03/12/2008 10:07

Yes, most of the advice is never to leave the house but the reality is you can't make him leave either so unless you can quickly come to terms with whatever behaviour he exhibits it might be best to leave and keep your sanity.

One of the biggest problems with divorce is coming to terms with how much your lifestyle has to change financially - running 2 households out of the same pot inevitably leaves you much worse off. Coming to terms with a much reduced standard of living really contributes to being angry (only from my experience).

In my case there was only one pot of money so I eventually moved out, rented somewhere on my credit card and paid it off when the joint house sold.

"right to accomodation paid for by her dh" - that's the thinking that's the problem. There is not suddenly any magical extra money - it inevitably comes out of all the money. Even when you sort out maintenance eventually it will be hard. You can choose to run up a joint debt - say on a joint account overdraft or a joint credit card like I did but it still has to be paid back out of the pot. So when I moved out I stuck the entire six months rent on a joint credit card (which pissed him off but also galvanised him into action to sell the house). Obviously we both then took the hit financially when the house was sold as it had to be paid back.

ToThrottleaRedRobin · 03/12/2008 13:18

Make sure you print off all evidence and keep in a safe place where he wont find them!

SpaceTrain · 03/12/2008 15:37

You could also look into getting a SimCard reader to read any text messages from his phone. Some of the ladies on here have done that. Do a search for "SIM card reader" and there will be threads advising what to buy. I think Alexa808 has good knowledge on this too.

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