am coming so close to walking away, but really don't want to.....

[narkedagain]

I am nothing but a failure to DH, he reminds me of that constantly, but I like to think I am a good mum to DCs. However, DH continually undermines me and makes me realise that I am wrong. I think it would be best if I took myself away from the situation. But not sure I could live with myself if I walked away - even if that's better for the DCs. Not sure they would ever forgive me or ever understand it's the right thing to do. Am sat here ready to pack my case and go but haven't quite got the guts. How do I decide what's the best thing to do?

In what way does he undermine you?

Are you sometimes wrong or does he make out that everything and anything you do is wrong?

Hi narkedagain, ... I'm not really sure what to say...

Have you just had a row or something?
Has he just been extra bullying tonight?
Are you REALLY sure that your dcs would be better off without you??? I can't believe that? Are you sure you want to leave them with a man who sounds very much like a real bully? How old are they? Is he absusive to you?

Sorry to ask so many questions...just want to understand your situation...

Big hug for you xxx

Thanks both of you. Not really sure what to say. I think he's right. But I know if I go they lose over half their income and I really can't leave my DCs, even though I know I am a crap mother. Hard to know what to do.

why are you a crap mother? Specific examples of when you have been a crap mother?

PLEASE don't walk away just yet - my H has just left us and our 3 DCs are trying so hard to be brave but they are upstairs now crying themselves to sleep... have been comforting them since he left at 5.00, but am drained and need some MN time...

It's not your DCs' fault. Please don't make them suffer because of this. You need to communicate to him quite clearly how he's made you feel. I doubt you are a crap mother, if you were you'd be long gone. He has really taken away your confidence, hasn't he? Do you think that's what he wants? Is he trying to control you? You could take control now - write down all the positive things you do as a mother, really honestly, and you might surprise yourself. Then write down all the positive things he does as a father. What's the comparison?

He sounds like a shit.

don't know where to start. I know you'll all side with me but know I'm crap. Just finding it hard to go and leave them to it.

spellcheck, so sorry for what you are going through

Give examples; we'll be brutally honest - you know that of MN!

I suspect he's so got to you that you're doubting yourself though

TBH, if he constantly undermines you and stuff like that, it could be emotional abuse and need looking in to properly - it's a hard call on the info you've given, so I'm not at all saying it is - but it could be...

For God Sake

You sound terribly low and you cannot make any decisions in this state.

I believe that above all children need their mother (not everyone's expereince or pov but mine)

Please, please talk to a friend or family in rl and get their honest pov on your relationship with your children

Write down all your apparent failings

Read them tomorrow

Examine them carefully to see if they are true or if in fact they are just the brainwashing of a bullying husband

No one is a perfect parent

Please take care of yourself or allow someone else to do so whilst you get things straight in your mind
Anyone who would say to you what your husband has with no offer of help or sympathy has an agenda.

This is your life try to learn to live it on your terms and it will be much better

Non mumsnetty hug >

mmm. in thinking through what to write in response to that, I think I have the answer myself. Thanks.

What is your answer?

I need to go

hi narkedagain

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.

Please please please don't do anything rash. Wait and see what tomorrow brings and how you will feel in the morning.

You must be feeling awful and I empathise with you,whilst we don't know the ins and outs of what is going on in your relationship, it sounds like your DH is an emotional bully. What person in a loving relationship would undermine their partner and make them feel worthless or a bad parent?

No parent is perfect. Everyone has their "cross to bear", imperfections, faults, issues etc. Some parents battle with addictions, some parents battle with illnesses, depression, past traumas, shock etc. NO ONE GETS EVERYTHING RIGHT.

The fact that you are worrying about your parenting shows that you love your children and want the best for them. So in order to make a good decision you need to thing about this long and hard. My husband's mother left him and his sister when he was a child and it caused definate issues when he grew up. So please, don't let anyone tell you you are not a good parent. Regardless of what your other half says, your children need YOU.

Wait till the morning, till you can think clearly. Call friends, post on here, do whatever it takes to stop you from making a potentially huge decision whilst feeling like this,

Sending you hugs and love

Thanks to all who posted. I think I am going to need some support through the coming months, please help if you can when the time comes.

Narkedagain, if you have ever done any of these things...

Helped your children get dressed
Made their meals for them
Hugged them when they were upset
Hugged them or kissed them so they know you love them
put them to bed
kept them out of danger
taught them how to look after themselves
helped with homework
Just been there
and a million other possibilities

... then you are already a better mother to them than just not being there at all.

I don't know what you husband said, maybe there is a nugget of truth but leaving your children is not the answer. From the little you have written it sounds as though your husband is 90% of the problem. Maybe that's what you need do deal with. But before you make any decisions or try to work anything out you need to just try to get yourself on a more even keel because right now you are bullying yourself which is a classic sign of depression. Just try to be nice to yourself even if only for a few minutes at a time at first. Things will get easier.

Narkedagain - no one is perfect and am sure we all feel that we could have done this or that better. I do sometimes feel guilty for not doing enough of this or that but at the end of the day, that is life. If we were all perfect, we'd be robots. And do you know the best part in all of this? Tomorrow is another day and you can always do better then. That's the beauty of life - you don't have to do the same everyday and you can always improve yourself if you are not happy with the way you are.

As other people have mentioned though, I do suspect you think about yourself in such a negative way because your DH has been so negative towards you. Please ask for help!

It's one thing for a father to leave but no doubt that children will always be more affected by their mother leaving. They will carry this for the rest of their lives.

There are things you can do and I hope you can hang in there long enough to see the end of the tunnel.

Narkedagain - how are you?? xx