So.....I am a lazy useless fruitcake mum and he is a drunk C**t

[ToThrottleaRedRobin]

I need to sort out my anger. He needs to sort out his drinking.

Please help, I feel so low at the minute.

I have even been avoiding my best friend because I just dont want to do anything/say anything, She has her own problems and although I know she would help me I dont want to burden her with my shit.

He didnt get drunk (phew)

Last night made me realise why I always seem so frustrated (I dont think it is actual anger tbh). I am in the house all day, on my own, with no-one to talk to until dp gets home.

When I got home early from the xmas meet up I was so happy, so relaxed and felt calm. I had been out, and socialised, something which I have never been good at. I felt better for being able to get out of the house, without being with the kids. In 15months that was the 2nd night out I had properly had. It was nothing to do with me having a drink either. Because I didnt get drunk. I was merry though

Anyways, what I think I am trying to say is, maybe now I have realised I need to start making friends and stop being so shy, I will calm down, which in turn, will hopefully stop dp form drinking as much.

Thank you for all your kind words and wisdom. Will report back every now and then to update if that is ok. More for me so I can see if there is any pattern to his drinking if that makes sense?

Earlier (not early)

Tothrottlearedrobin,

re your comment:-

"Anyways, what I think I am trying to say is, maybe now I have realised I need to start making friends and stop being so shy, I will calm down, which in turn, will hopefully stop dp form drinking as much".

The first plart I agree with; its the second one that rings alarm bells with me. In short changing your own behaviour will not alter his drinking patterns. You seem to have become responsible for him - you cannot allow yourself to do so or to act as his enabler (as many women in these situations do).

You are only responsible for your own children and your own self. Him - no.

People like your HV can help you if you let them - it is no shame to admit that you're finding things hard at present. Living with an alcoholic is no fun for anyone.

oh god.

you need to start learning about alcoholism.

"I need to start making friends and stop being so shy, I will calm down, which in turn, will hopefully stop dp form drinking as much"

that statement makes me want to weep because i know what will happen if your mindset doesn't change... it's very very very very very hard to stop drinking if you are an alcoholic and it is arguably often just as hard for relatives to relinquish control and submit to it.

you absolutely HAVE to get some info about co-dependency and enabling. AL-ANON is a good place to start but there's loads of info online and in books.

looking for patterns and monitoring his drinking is an incredibly common response to life with an alcoholic but it is a dead end, honestly, please believe me- my dad drank for over 20 years and my DH is an ex drinker- some things are written in stone.

don't waste time, get some support, advise and information and please don't let your kids grow up with this if they don't have to... i can guarantee it causes lasting damage.

i wish you luck

My exH was an alcoholic. He was a true, bottle hiding alcoholic. I could have cheerfully stuck a knife in him. That was one of the final straws - what HE had turned me into. And the fact that whilst he was blind drunk, he fell heavily against me pushing me into a wall and bruising me quite badly. It could have easily been my 18 month old DS - I knew I had to leave for mine and his safety - it was a no-brainer.

I left the house and he went on a two week bender. I had to keep going back to the house to feed the cat (didn't trust him to do it) and he ended up falling down the stairs and wrapping himself around the stairgate. Was at the bottom of the stairs for a number of hours. He was taken to hospital and when they 'phoned to say he could come home - I told them he didn't have a home to go to. They put him in the ENT ward as they didn't have anywhere else for he to go until they found him a drying out clinic.

He never came back to the house.

Think of yourself and DC. Good luck.

Please take heed of what blinks is writing.

You making friends and stopping being shy whilst these are good aims for your own self will not change his behaviours or alter his drinking patterns in any way. He can only change if he wants to. You cannot make him seek help or act if he does not want it. You are currently facilitating this and enabling him. Infact if he really did want to become alcohol free he needs to do so without his family unit being anywhere near him.

You can only help your own self and save your own self along with your children who are witness to their alcoholic Dad.

Would urge you to speak to Al-anon. You do not need to carry this burden alone.

good links-

here

here

here

online AL-ANON meetings