Dear Earlybird, I can relate to lots of the things you said in your message. I had an ex dp who was a big thing in my life at the time, despite actually being quite an abusive man (not physically, but emotionally, what a master manipulator). When we split up (very painfully, definitely the very lowest point in my life to date), it was instigated by him, but I was so releived on one level, as I didn't have the courage to do it myself, for all sorts of reasons I won't go into now. Anyway, to cut a long story short(er), he obviously came to his senses a few weeks later (!), and came back to me saying "I made a mistake, please come back to me..." I found it SO difficult to say no, he had some wierd sort of power over me, but I managed it and I think it might have been the biggest shock of his life. I so clearly remember him saying he really needed me, as I was "the guardian angel of his good side", and that it would probably be eclipsed by his "bad side" without me and my love... Don't you just LOVE that kind of responsibility foisted on you?!?! I moved abroad, so did he (opposite sides of the world), and then followed daily e-mails from him for about 18 months about how he would always love me, wait for me, etc. I eventually said it would never happen, i could never trust him again, i couldn't see him ever changing etc...
Within 4 weeks, I got an e-mail from him saying he was getting married (!) to a local girl who broke off her engagement to someone else as soon as she met him (sub text clear enough everyone?!), I congratulated him and thought phew, this one is now OUT of my life. But I would still get these e-mails from him every 6, 9, 12 months, saying daft things like "I dreamt about you last night again and saw it as a sign that I should get in contact with you", and then proceed to tell me how marvellous his life was (ref: subtxt again).... These e-mails always used to knock me for 6, despite me being in a relationship with my now dh, a lovely, strightforward man who couldn't play his sorts of games if he tried, and with whom I am V. happy. I used to ignore the mails mostly, hoping he would get the message, until one day he called from abroad asking me why I never replied to his e-mails... I was caught TOTALLY unawares, can't remember what I said, probably apologised and said I was busy , but shortly afterwards, wrote him THE definitive e-mail saying I didn't ever want to hear from him again in any form, it was pointless and I got nothing out of it, and couldn't understand why he was doing it, especially as his wife was VERY insecure about me (according to him). And that was that.
So, my advice to you, summarised from this HUGE post (so sorry!) is:
a) Don't imagine that ignoring him is going to do anything, in terms of him getting the message or you acheiving "closure",
b) Writing that final letter/e-mail is VERY satisfying and can make you feel more in control of the whole situation (especially relevant if there are/were power struggles in your relationship),
c) I have met up with ex dp a few times since he got married (safe lunches, no wife in sight obviously), and they were supremely POINTLESS... we talked about stuff that didn't matter, he was constantly trying to score points, I just wasn't interested in that, and neither of us really wanted to know about the other in any depth, as it was somehow too intimate. And it rattled me, and I didn't like feeling rattled when I had/have a lovely dp/dh who I wouldn't swap for ex dp for the world.
d) Also, I would have to tell dp that I had met up with ex (otherwise it felt deceitful), and he couldn't understand it, he knew how badly hurt I was by him.
Don't talk about this much any more, hence sudden outpouring from me, so sorry . You must do what feels right for you, but I would say, write himn that final Dear John letter, and look forward to a future without those little annual surprises in your inbox.... good luck!