I'm pushing away one of my closest friends due to my own jealousy and general fuckwittery

[TheDevilWearsPrimark]

Please can someone slap me into sense.

We've been friends for years, and helped each other through all sorts of shit. We've both had a rough time over the last two years (I'm in the middle of a divorce), but she has pulled herself through quite amazingly. She was abandoned by her boyfriend when pregnant, and to this day has no clue where he is. She's very successful though, and all with her own hard work. She has two businesses, one in freelance design and one making baby clothes, both set up since she had her DS and all done with a lot of her own hard graft. She has met a new bloke, they took it very slowly and he is beyond lovely. They are planning to move in together in the spring.

She's also devastatingly gorgeous. Somewhere between Alicia keys and Sophie Ellis Bextor with amazing corkscrew curls. Also one of those people that doesn't realise how good looking they are. Effortless.

It's horrible of me I know but I just don't want to see her much anymore. I am jealous and bitter. This is so unlike me. No one said that this breakup would be easy, and it hasn't been, but why is it turning me bitter and twisted?

Because you're human!

Give yourself a break and try to remember that good friends are often as rare as hens teeth so if you find one hang on tight

I think jealousy and bitterness is completely understandable. You're not saying you wish her less success or beauty or luck or happiness, you just want a bit of the same good fortune for you.

I don't think it's so bad to want to distance yourself a bit. Think of it as if you were starving and you had the option of going to watch a dinner party where you weren't entitled to any of the food...you wouldn't go would you?

Is your friend being as supportive as she could be of you now that you are the one trying to come out the other side of break up?

She is brilliant, I couldn't wish for a better friend. She's happy to stay up all night listening as I cry down the phone to her, she comes over to babysit so I can go out (as I do for her). She will drop anything if I need her.

I'm so miserable, and I think she's sensing it.

I think it sounds as though she would understand if you had some time out from the friendship, but would you be okay without her there? which is the lesser evil?

"She is brilliant, I couldn't wish for a better friend. She's happy to stay up all night listening as I cry down the phone to her, she comes over to babysit so I can go out (as I do for her). She will drop anything if I need her."

In that case then, yes you do need a bit of a slap. She sounds a fab friend.

Have you just mentioned to her in a fairly light hearted way that you are bit envious? She sounds like the sort of person who would understand you totally.

I think I need a night in with her with good food and wine so I can talk to her properly.

God I'm a twat.

I think you should be honest with her, as she's such a good friend. Say, 'I'm really happy for you, but sometimes I feel sad when I see you looking gorgeous and in love." It will get things in the open.

There are always ups and downs in everyones lives, and in everyones relationships....Right now you are on a low, she is on a high. In a few years time things could be completely different for both of you. Thats life.

It sounds silly, but whenever i feel jealous (which happens when I am feeling crap about myself) I send the object of my jealousy as much mental "loving kindness" as I can.

Thing is, the jealously hurts you more than her -it feels awful when you have to live with that blackness. I find the loving kindness thing makes me feel better more than anything.

BTW, I have a friend who is jealous of me (she has hinted the odd time), but I think she is amazing, and I have no doubt that things will get better for her - she rocks! Maybe your friend feels like that about you..?

I think that with close friends its good to say if you are jealous.

I am the only one who has had a baby in my group (despite being the youngest one of us at 30) and I constantly tell them that I am jealous of their tummies, legs, non wobbling bits, the fact that they can lie in bed all day .......

I guess its easier to say that you are jealous about those silly things though.

I am sure she would understand.

I think it's ok to feel jealous, and even bitterly jealous at times. It's natural. I also feel like this sometimes about my friends.

But I'd say, feel it but don't say it. Accept her friendship - and return it. She sounds like a really nice person and she doesn't deserve to be pushed away.

If it's any comfort, things always go in cycles. Sooner or later, you're going to be 'up' when she is 'down'. I'm sure if that was the case you wouldn't dream of rubbing her face in it or looking down on her, you'd just want to be friends as usual.

Let your feelings run riot privately, but live up to her standard of behaviour in what you say and do. It all comes around.

I have this problem although it comes and goes.

There are certain people who on certain days I just cannot stand to talk to, because I do not want to hear about how absolutly fabulous their life now is, how in love they are, how fab their new man is etc etc etc.

Some days I can hack it and some days I can't, today is a can't day tbh.

I used to think it made me an awful person, but now I don't care tbh.

I would never actually tell them though, although if I am honest thats more because i'd then lose their friendship and have even less friends than I do now, rather than that I don't want to upset them.

Perhaps I am awful actually.

My BF once said to me, 'I can't be miserable just because you are.' Which was horrible at the time.

I just wish we hadn't been so honest right in the middle of it. We said some things that we can never take back, but ultimately our 20-year friendship is based on honesty. I just wish, as dittany suggested, we had let things calm down, and maybe talked about it when we were both feeling a little less raw.

No, I didn't mean I was awful for not teling them. I meant I was awful because I don't not tell them because I don't want to upset them, just because I can't afford to lose the few friends I have.

Ok but if you say 'I'm feeling a bit down because right now you're in such a better place than I am' then you will get the standard - and friendly - response 'But you'll meet somebody lovely/ lose the weight/ get the job soon', which sometimes is worse and can sound hideously patronising.

Do you want your friends pity, or for her to feel sorry for you? Or worse, to think that in future she'd better not tell you about how well she is doing in case you get resentful?

You're doing great already - you just need convincing of it. Watch Wife Swap, Jeremy Kyle or any 'life makeover' show on C4 to see how much better off you are then so many people.

do the old 'write it ALL down(in all its bitter detail)..read it over a few times..then burn it' thing.

then try to think of something else everytime you get into a bitter loop...

was going to say 'tell her'... but other posters have pointed out that there is nothing she can do about persuing her own happiness...and she may well back off from you/not tell you about good things in her life...and then you might complain thats she's dropping you for new man etc...so no dont tell her!

x

TDWP isn't jealous, she's envious. Jealousy is not wanting anyone to have something of yours (eg, "I am jealous of my partner" = "Get your hands off him!"), envy is wanting what someone else has.

That was v unhelpful, and pedantic of me, sorry. If you'd all write out "envious" 100 times, we'll call it quits.

TDWP, I've been exactly where you are and it's horrible. However, it's a sign from yourself that you need to concentrate on you -- the things about your friend of which you are the most envious are the bits of your life you need to start looking at.

Not in a miserable, intense, "OMG you need to slap yourself & sort yourself out" way. but a "pour a glass of wine and make a lovely, positive list of where you hope to be this time in 2009" way.