Angry

[Fringe]

This is my first time posting a message on Mumsnet. Feeling sad. I think things are getting on top of me. At home alone with lovely 6 month old - he's asleep now. Usually go to work full time and think being at home a lot is a shock to my system. My partner is at work. He is lovely and fun and a little dippy. I am Miss Stress Queen. I spend my time planning the next event and manage somehow to make everything feel like a military exercise - steaming veg, buying nappies, cleaning( which I seem to have become sort of obsessed about). When Dad gets home I am wound up like a spring. And usually end up exploding somehow. He never seems to notice all of the jobs that need doing, doesn't seem to be thinking about the next stage for our little boy e.g. we're trying baby led weaning and I as usual am the one finding the info and making it happen. When I was pregnant he never really read any of the pregnancy books but did show lots of love and support. The problem is I seems to take on more and more responsibility on both in reality and inside my own head. I do this all by myself! To the point it is becoming a big battle ground. I have some crazy displays of anger (including some moments of hitting myself) and get worried this will start to be obvious to our little one. My dad always had a temper and I can't bear to pass this on. My head is spinning and sometimes my stomach actually hurts from the anxiety I generate for myself. I sometimes think my partner would do so much more if I would only give him the chance and stop criticising him when he does do stuff. I go back to work in Feb and am so sad that I may have wasted this special time and forgotten to enjoy it. I am basically feeling guilty all of the time. I feel like a crap partner and potentially a crap mum. My partner is feeling really unloved. By the way he has even been ousted to the sofa for a considerable time. My baba still wakes 5/6 times a night to BF and as partner snores so loudly I can't handle sharing a bed with him for now. I hate not being closer to him but can't see another way to do it. It's horrid for him being on sofa too!grrrrrrr. Does anyone recognise these feelings???

you have to stop and slow down

you have acknowledged that you are putting up barriers to him helping and this needs to stop

i am that you are physically punishing yourself

the one thing i have learnt is that you need to ask if you want help, and that applies to everyone

i was lost being at home with my DS after working fulltime and i was hugely resentful that DH was still living his "old" life (not his fault)

i think you need to speak to your GP about your feelings and perhaps some counselling to try to manage them better?

I think some personality types respond to stress (like the stress of new parenthood) by trying to control everything around them. I was like this. Sound slike you might be =, too. From one stresshead to another: you have to try to find a way to get perspective, calm down, slow down and smell the roses - or trust me, your relationship will suffer greatly and you will make yourself ill.

First step - can you and your DH have an evening out, away from your baby, where you can try to talk to him about how stressed you feel? If you can share your feelings without it becoming an angry rant or a 'blame' session, it might really help both of you.

Second step - is the thought of counselling too horrific to contemplate? It helped me and my DH no end in adjusting to the shock of new parenthood and the new dynamic between us. Might be worth a try?

Thanks Ruby, I feel embarrassed admitting this but already having therapy before DS and still seem to be in this state! In fact therapy has been really hard to keep up as have had to take little one there with me... And I find it hard to open up with him there do't want him to see me being sad etc. The idea of leaving DS with someone feels really complicated - he BFs erratically and doesn't use a bottle (although is now using a cup so there is a possible way to feed him). Is it me being a control freak i.e. that I haven't yet left him with someone else? Everything I do seems to be so complicated and think I am making it that way. blaaaa. Did you get used to being at home - or if you went back to work did that restore some of your balance??

He should be ok for an hour while you go to therapy, surely?

Glad to hear you're getting some professional help, how long have you been in therapy?

Woahhh! You are way too harsh on yourself, lady!

New motherhood is bloody hard. It throws up all sorts of complex feelings and issues. I was reeling for a good 18 mths after my first child was born. I seemed to lose the ability to put things in perspective, and everything - every decision little or huge - became a source of angst and stress for me. Btw - I did end up with fairly full blown PND. Doesn't sound like you are seriously depressed, but it does sound like you are getting yourself all tied up in knots of anxiety and stress. Therapy is a good thing, but talking all this through with your partner is a must, too. Whether you are able to do that productively without the help of a counsellor or not...only you know.

I've been in therapy for 2 years.

Yes you would think 1 hour (although actually a 3 hour round trip) would be manageable. Perhaps I should have a go.

Irony is I have been planning to stop therapy as worried about costs. This perhaps a reminder to myself that I should keep it up!

If I could only jump off the juggernaut that is life for half and hour to regain some perspective !! I SO want to give DH an enormous cuddle right now but when he gets home that feeling has evaporated in the stress of the day.

Skippy is right - motherhood throws up a lot of problems. It's an enormous (permanent!) disruption of your life, and it brings up all sorts of childhood issues.

If you could find childcare near your therapist, that would reduce how long your baby would have to be away from you?

Do you do anything to help yourself relax? Breathing exercises, hot bath?

I think you'll start to feel better when you go back to work in Feb and have something else to think about.

Just wanted to say that this sounded just like me with my first. I found that lack of sleep made my anxiety much worse and with 5 -6 feeds a night you must be exhausted. Is there any way you could ask for help? I used to express milk and DH fed DS one night a week to give me a break. It really helped knowing that one night a week I could sleep properly. I know that its a bit more complicated than this but a small break might help you get things in perspective? Also I felt much better when I had established a routine when I got back to work.

going back to work saved my sanity

BUT i also had to learn to let go of certain things as i have a tendency to want to control everything

it took a while but i got there/am still getting there

your DS is 6 months - i reckon if you fed him before you went to counselling he could last the three hours or your DH could offer him a cup

Yes the sleep thing sure is a factor here. I should give DH a chance to help and I think this would make him feel more involved. I keep putting up barriers and saying things won't work but him trying to feed DS is something we could try. Control. I need to let go. And would love to. Bit by bit. At work the roles are clear and defined And you get patted on the back for being good at stuff. Not quite the same as a parent. I've always been hard on myself. To be honest I feel so isolated with this just the act of putting out a message and hearing other people have similar experiences is really comforting. Admitting to people I'm struggling is hard (although DH gets a lot of it).

have you checked out MN local - there may some meet ups happening near you and you can go along?

I think at 6 months your baby shouldn't need 5-6 feeds a night tbh.

Fringe I wanted to post becuase I saw the phrase "hitting myself" and did a sharp intake of breath - at one stage of my life this was me too. I was so wound up by stress that I started getting physical symptoms and I felt like I needed to have control over everything. The way I was was ruining my life and putting a big strain on my marriage.

My ds has also been not very good at sleeping most of his 2 year life and sleep deprivation makes a big difference - like thenewme said, he shouldn't need 5-6 feeds a night, maybe you could talk to a GP or someone about this.

Find some time for yourself too, even just half an hour when your lo is sleeping and try to unwind, everyone is different but I do this by having a bath, meditation, going out for a walk or run. Find something that is right for you.

Also give your dh a hug, maybe you don't want to at the end of a stressful day but giving and receiving a hug is a great stress reliever.

Hope your lo sleeps better soon, massive empathy for you here....

Just wanted to say that I really sympathise, quite a few things you have said sound very similar to me!!!

I have really struggled with feeling like i am "doing it all" in terms of dealing with DS (who is 9mo) and feeling that DP is useless etc, where in reality i dont let him help. I feel like i have become a real nag at times!

Anyway, I have found that getting out and meeting new people, trying playgroups and signing classes etc has really helped me to get some perspective. I know its hard when you are so tired but it might make you feel like you've at least had a bit of time out from being at home all day.

If you've gone from doing a busy job where you get lots of recognition then it stands to reason that this is a huge shift for you. Try and take a step back, tell your DP how he can help you and let him try. If he's anything like mine he will be willing to help but totally clueless so need clear instruction!! He obviousley believes you are doing a really great job as a mum so doesnt see the need to interfere, as it were?

Good luck!

Aside from the hitting, you sound like I was a few months back (my DD is almost 11 months now). I needed to be in control constantly and kept a diary of what time DD fed, slept and even cried (!) every day.

When she got to 6 months I realised that I couldnt go on like that any longer. My DD was completely dictating my life and I decided that 6 months was time for me to get some time back.

Am not saying its right for everyone but I got her in to a routine of feed and sleep times (then I no longer had the obsession of noting them all down) because it was on my terms. Dont get me wrong it was based around her needs but at least I could predict what would happen when.

6 months does sound old for so many night feeds, have you spoken to HV?

You must be shattered and I am sure this is contributing to how you feel. I felt like that despite the fact that she was sleeping through at 6 months. You sound like you are coping very well but you do need a break.

I dont really have any advice, other than to offer support I guess.

Agree that you should give DH a big hug. He sounds a bit like mine and I am always ungrateful too!

By the way I do the hitting myself thing, and really struggle with containing my anger sometimes, so sounds like we are similar. My DP thinks i am certifiable, which i could well be, but have just always been this way...!

I got to this stage around the same time,my dh sounds similar to yours. I was so awful to him at times,(although he never quite made it to the sofa)but tried so hard to be super-woman. It was pure exhaustion causing it-6months with an average of 4hrs sleep.When I realised this was the prob we had good chats and he persuaded me to stop doing so much and let him do more for dd as he actually confessed he felt he quite helpless due to me insisting on doing everything.
I started to express and after a lot of unsuccessful atempts finally got dd to take a bottle. I tried to become less obsessed with keeping a tidy spotless house and use that energy on our relationship if YSWIM.
It took a while and he still needs a kick up the bum to get some help but all is great now.
Also eventually your baby will sleep through and its a whole new and lovely world.

Thanks for all of your support. This issue about sleep. I kind of know I need to make a decision about sleep. DP says he will stay with DS tonight to rock him to sleep each time he wakes (we've kind of established DS wakes after REM and can't get back to sleep without the boob). This is something that has overwhelmed me into complete indecision - strategies for getting our little one to sleep. It in itself stresses me out!! Ha! And then this thing about leaving DS with others god it feels so complicated.. but i think this all just illustrates how i need to let DP help me?

I saw your thread and it sounded so familiar to the way I felt when dd was 6 months. The situation sounds the same too I have a dominant father who shouts alot. I remember being so angry with my dh and bless him he was just trying his best to help but he never seemed to do anything in the right way or see what needed to be done.I also was worried about the effect my anger would have on dd and tried to supress it, don't think this helped.

I was sooo tired, after work dominating my life it was a big change and I thought it would be easy cos they sleep 18 hours a day!! We made a decision that at 6 months dd needed to sleep through and did a version of controlled crying. It was painful and hard and took quite a while. But she started to sleep through and my sanity returned a little.

I also found going out to playgroups helped alot, just talking to others in the same situation. There are lots of possibilities, netmums is good also for meetups. It took a while to feel better but returning to work gave me a bit of time to myself stopped me feeling like just a mummy and actually a person. I think it takes time to feel better but it will get better, i would definatly stick to the therapy it helped me alot.

Hope you feel better soon.

p.s
I'd definatly recommend the blw my dd is a great eater and not fussy.

i must recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley

this is a really gentle way of getting your DS off feeding to sleep

No cry sleep solution very good for breast fed babies.

TBH - I was you in many respects and eventually cracked and went to the GP. PND diagnosis ads started and I feel great mostly. In my case it manifested with nutso anger, control freakery etc.

I would suggest a wee trip to the docs. I didn't enjoy as much of my time with my babies as I should have.

I can identify with your frustrations. I went from a all-hours deadline driven publishing job to firstly a part-time mum, then full-time mum. Rather than be grateful to DH for paying for us all to live, I feel frustration most of the time for not having my own money, him not noticing what I've managed at home with 2 kids, him not knowing what it's like to give up that former life.

I also have to say that 5-6 feeds a night at 6 months needs checking out. Perhaps your DS craves the comfort, rather than the extra food. If you can get some advice on the night feeds then you'd get more rest, your partner could return to your bed, relationships would get better and you'd feel better in the day from more sleep.

I do wish you all the best - I feel so many of your frustrations.

not read all the threads but wanted to comment that you spend alot of time projecting feelings onto your DH, which is a very 'codependent' way of conducting a relationship... maybe you've watched your parents have a similar dynamic and are repeating it? anyway, trying to focus on your own feelings, finding healthy ways to vent them (bending friend's ears/mumsnet/jogging for example) and then approaching your DH when your anger level is low and actually ASKING for what it is you need from him will help enormously.

don't compare yourself too much to others either or aim for perfection...it really is all relative.

PS i was completely bonkers after DC1 and had all sorts of displays of anger and falls outs with DH, to the point of nearly breaking up. i also have tried to juggle the therapy/babies thing and most will let you take your DS if you're not ready to leave him yet.

by threads, i mean posts. worra knob