insists "nothing happened".... I feel a bit sick and dont know what to think

[QwertyQueen]

Hi,
DH recently went to Japan on business, I trusted him 100% (we have been through mistakes in our marriage but have worked through them ages ago), and we have started a new life in a new country.
SO I got home yesterday after being out all day and went to my facebook inbox to see if I had any messages, but DH hadn't logged out and it defaulted to his in-box. I clicked on the first message from his friend, realised it was a chat between them and went to close it and as I was doing so saw it said "you have deleted this thread click here to read it" .... so I did (thought it looked odd!)
Anyway this guy wasnt in Japan with him, butknows all the same people there and said something about "Hey, that Jap girl you snogged has got a new boyfriend, his name is XXXX and he works at YYYY......."
DH replied "Nothing happened. I know XX he is very nice....." etc
to which his friend replied "He may be nice, but respect the BF"
SO I asked DH about it, he denied it, said his mate is "fanciful" and he doesnt know why he said it. Said he did meet the girl they are talking about and had discussed how flirty she was. The the next time they spoke the friend asked what happened, DH said nothing, and he asked why not because he thought DH fancied her.
But then why would he mention it again on facebook if it did not happen? And "remind" DH to respect that she has a boyfriend!?
DH is now angry with me because he has told me nothing has happened and I should accept that and trust him. I keep saying "but why would he say that?" to whcich he replies "I dont know and I dont care". He has said that most people would ask their DH, and if he said nothing happened would leave it at that, and that I am paranoid. So I bloody apologised for over reacting!
He said I could mail her or the friend and ask, but I dont want to embarrass him. I mailed his friend back, still signed in as DH, and said "why do you think I kissed her? Did she say anything?" which I have now realised was dumb cos if he had told him the friend would realise it was not him writing.
DH has said he is so "confident" that both of them will confirm that it didnt happen that he is not even worried about it.
I am now walking on egg shells, feel like I cant discuss it with him, but I still cant just accept what he says....

I don't know why... but it sounds to me like nothing happened. No idea why that is, it just doesn't sound like anything to worry about. Reading some of the stuff my brother's friends write on his FaceBook wall -- blokes really do quite often write a load of shite. "Respect the BF" sounds v self-important and pompous.

I wouldn't worry (and i'm normally horrified at this kind of thread!).

And just forget that you emailed his friend. Read his reply if you can, but don't otherwise make any kind of deal about it at all. act like a cat that just fell off the wall -- does the cat agonise about it, apologise, draw attention to it? Nope. Well, that's you from now on, until you have a lot more to go on than blokey ramblings.

Sounds like your partner is being very frank with you. Perhaps you should trust him....

Sounds like your partner is being very frank with you. Perhaps you should trust him....

LOL at this though:

"He has said that most people would ask their DH, and if he said nothing happened would leave it at that"

What a terrible understanding of women he has!

thank you so much for your reply...
The friend is very full of self importance actually and likes to brag about his famous friends etc.
I normally trust my instincts and I don't really believe anything hapened, but I don't know if it is just because I so desperately dont want to have my marriage break down!
Also the reason he deleted the message is because our inboxes often default to each other's... so he could have written "nothing happened" just in case I saw it? Oh, God, I am sounding paranoid now!

I know!!! I did say "errrm, I think most women would want to know more" to which he said "maybe all your friends are as paranoid as you!"

probably.

mmmmmn ..whatever happened he is being at best insensitive and at worst nasty for calling you (and your friends) paranoid.

we have spoken more and I feel more reassured but I hate that doubt.... I wish there was a way of knowing 100% (besides the Jeremy Kyle show!!!!!)

you should trust him

I don't want to stir, but I find the fact he is angry at you suspicious. In my (unfortunately quite extensive) experience innocent men are reassuring and lovely in this scenario, give you a hug and tell you they'd never do that and you've no need to worry. Guilty men get angry.

I am quite paranoid though

only you know your dh

if something did happen then his friends will obv back him up and say it didnt

i think FB causes problesmwith people looking up ex's and writing on other peoples walls etc

I decided that the only way I would ever know for sure is to e-mail her and ask straight out, which I did
she replied straight away, and was very shocked... told me how they had only met the twice at functions, and she is in a relationship and basically she was as befuddled about it as DH - as to why someone would say that.
DH is very angry with his "friend" for causing this upset.
I feel quite bad for not just believing him when he told me, but you always assume that people say things because they are true, not for other motives.
You judge other people by your standards, I guess....
Still, glad it is all sorted, and thanks for your replies

glad all sorted

whether or not he kissed her he should want to reassure you and not have you feel jealous so to say 'you are being paranoid and most people would believe their dh is unreasonable behaviour, you have a reason to feel suspicious and he should feel obliged to reassure you.

If my DH suddenly got it into his head that I had kissed someone else (yeah, like that's likely!), and I hadn't, my first priority would be to reassure him and try to prove my innocence. Not to go on the defensive and start calling him paranoid. How's that going to help?