Is it worth me having a deep-and-meaningful with my dad about this?

[KeepYourHairOn]

My dad did something today which he's done for years and which I find hurtful. It broke my heart in my teens (OK, I could have been being an over-sensitive drip), and I know it's left a mark, because my self-esteem has been looow for as long as I can remember.

A friend recently asked me for advice about something. I didn't know much about it, so put her on to my dad, who does. He responded swiftly and comprehensively, with lots of help, and today - having been in touch with my friend - told me how much of a lovely, delightful, intelligent young lady she is, and how EXTREMELY artistically talented she is (she is an artist - fair enough!). He was ebullient. He's still going on about her this evening (not in an obsessive, pervy way BTW - just an enchanted, charming kind of way). I love my friend to bits too, and she is all these things. What I get upset about is that Dad has never - never - said anything remotely like this to/about me. I'm artistic too (said friend and I met studying arty stuff together), I'm musical, I did brilliantly academically, I helped care for my poorly sister loads throughout my childhood, I had "nice kids" as friends and never went off the rails (apart from the usual teenage back-chat). But nothing from Dad; not a peep.

(I'm mindful that, to some, I may be sounding like a jealous brat, but I'll stick my neck out and persevere for a bit longer ...)

I have lots of memories of Dad raving about different family friends' daughters and sons, and about my friends - X is such a lovely person, Y is so talented, Z's artwork is amazing (and asking her to bring it over for him to pore over), and isn't so-and-so such a wonderful/polite/charming/beautiful young man/woman? Sigh.

I desperately wish he could have felt compelled to say something like this about me over the years, but he never has. Other people have - teachers, friends, etc - but somehow, their boosts don't sink in deeply enough; I feel that I really needed Dad to rate me to develop my own core of self-esteem, and he never has. He's criticised me a fair bit though; managed to take apart assignments I was given brilliant marks for, business and career ideas, etc.

Oh, I don't know. I love my dad to bits - he's fun, charming, a superb grandad (and gushing about DS). I just feel like he's never really thought much of me and, in turn, I've never really thought much of myself. And this has had significant repurcussions in my adult life.

This evening, I've been wondering about braving this subject with Dad, since it's reared its head again. Is it worth it, do you think, or do I just need to get on with life as a grown-up and get over myself?

Thanks for lasting this long!

Maybe he does what FIL and MIL used to do.

They sang SIL praises to us ooh DD is doing well, ooh she has a lovely car/house/garden/job/kids etc etc etc.

We hardly saw her for a while as they drove such a wedge between them.

We then found out they did the exact opposite to her about him. Ooh our DS is doing well he has a lovely car/house/garden/job/kids etc etc etc.

Cue us ignoring the ILs rantings and getting back to a decent relationship with brother and sister.

Maybe he's just crap at expressing himself to those he cares about.

Hmmm... not sure if I can give any useful advice but didn't just want to read and not post... having had a similar experience with my father, I tried to have it out with him and met a brick wall, essentially. He refused to admit that I had a point, made all sorts of excuses, and essentially left me feeling pretty stupid for bringing the issue up. I hope your dad is more enlightened than that, but I think it would be good to consider that he might not see your point - and my question is, would that leave you feeling worse than you do now?

If you do bring it up with him, what would you like to see happen? Do you want him to simply acknowledge that he does do this to you? Do you want an apology? How would you feel if you don't get the outcome you want? Will you feel worse or will you feel like "oh well, I tried"? Will it cause future problems with your dad and do you care if it does?

Sorry I have no real advice but will be thinking of you!! Good luck!!

If you bring it up, you have to do it carefully. Place the emphasis on how you feel and how the experience of this praise for someone else makes you feel. Avoid 'always' and 'never'. Recognise that you can only talk about your own experience, you don't know what the situation inside his head is, and all this may be very different for him.

I'd bet money (ok, hope) that he feels just as positively about you, but finds it difficult to praise you to your face (maybe he praises you like mad to other people?) - and he assumes that you know he thinks you are even more incredible than whoever he's ranting about ... but of course, you don't know that, because he never says it.

My dad's very similar so I can sympathise completely.

I love him to bits but he's am emotional f**kwit - I spent much of my teens and twenties thinking that he really didn't think much of me.

Three things changed it:

1. My mum mentioning, in passing, that he'd agonised over me in my teens and how he'd swing for anyone that hurt me
2. Him going to enormous lengths to make my wedding a success, to the point of spending a lot of time charming people at the hotel to give us a nicer function room etc
3. The total adoration he has for my DS.

What I have come to realise is that he loves me to distraction, but cannot express it in words (DS is only a toddler so he can play silly games, throw him around etc and show his affection that way). So he chooses actions.

For example, he can't tell me he loves me, but he can spend ages tiling my bathroom (a job he HATES).

A heart-to-heart might help you (and I have felt a bit better since I told him, in relation to something else, that yes he was unapproachable and hopeless about emotional stuff) but in the end, I'm much happier since I realised that my dad is the way he is. And he might not express feelings quite the way I would choose, but he does express them.

I would guess he felt he was showing his love by 'helping you' with assignments and your business and career ideas. I would put money on his being absolutely astonished that you felt he was 'taking them apart', when he probably thought he was giving advice, EXACTLY like he recently did for your friend. It is harder to accept that sort of help from a family member than from a stranger or professional etc - it feels more like criticism. And of course, remember, he never gushed praise TO those people he talked about with you, and I would guess that he did the same with you, praised you to the skies to others, while feeling it would not be appropriate to do it to you.
If you want to say something, maybe say, as lightheartedly and jokingly as you can manage, 'You've given me so much advice over the years, that's why i thought you'd be great helping X. I just hope you think as highly of me as you do her!' and see what he says.

I think you should talk to him. If it were your son thinking this way about you in 30 years' time, wouldn't you rather it was discussed?

Your father probably just assumes that you know he thinks you're talented, charming, a lovely person etc - and sometimes people just need the bleedin' obvious pointed out to them, i.e. if he never tells you this stuff, how can you know it to be true?

I'd say something to your dad if I were you.

My dad is a bit like this. Army type, too. My sister and I have both done well in life, one way or another (well behaved kids, did well at school, both got first class degrees, postgrad degrees, got the jobs we wanted, or pursued things determinedly, etc.), but my dad rarely praises us to our faces, though he will occasionally let slip his pride about the other one (e.g. he'll tell me how proud he is of my sister for doing what she's doing, etc.). He also used to praise my friends, and still asks after schoolfriends even now.

I was a major worrier at school: used to get so freaked out before exams. Did the same at uni. Always did well, though. I used to call my dad in floods of tears, and he was always 'firm but fair'. He never flattered me to reassure me, just told me to do my best (would never say something like, 'You always do well. You're clever. You'll do well again', etc.). Actually, some of the ways he would calm me down are legendary among my friends, so can't write them down, in case anyone recognises me here.

Anyway - sorry - gabbling on...

What I'm trying to say is this: I'm pretty sure your dad thinks you are WONDERFUL. He just can't say it to your face (though I bet he tells all his buddies - does he play golf, by the way? One way, I discovered, to gain instant gratification, is to meet your dad's golfing pals - I did, and they were all "oooohhhh, so you're X. We've heard so much about you. Your dad's so proud of you", etc. Seems he can't stop rabbiting on about me and my sister on the golf course - 18 holes is a long walk, after all!).

And I doubt that having it out with him will make any difference to his behaviour. Old dogs, new tricks, etc. In fact, it is likely to make him (and thus you) feel a bit embarrassed.

FWIW, I also think that the praising of your friends is an indirect way of praising you - ie. you have such good taste in friends, I'm so proud of you for having such an interesting circle of people around you, THEY'RE JUST LIKE YOU, MY CLEVER, LOVELY DAUGHTER.

I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I just think you're not likely to get the straightforward validation you crave. I know this from experience. But if you keep your ears open, you may find that this praise is forthcoming from elsewhere (e.g. his friends, as I said).

I think it is a cultural and generational thing. My mum is the same - I think she somehow confused praising with spoiling. In the past she has expressed regret that her mother was like this, but didnt recognise she is similar. She was very shocked when I pointed it out (not in a big confrontational way)and did try to compensate, but it is quite ingrained in her now, really. It can be irritaing, but I know she doesnt mean to be hurtful.

I am sure your dad is very proud of you, but it sounds as if you are unsure. I dont think it would do any harm to start a conversation - but remember he may find it difficult to change the way he is with you, even if he wants to.

"Maybe he's just crap at expressing himself to those he cares about." - I think this probably hits the nail right on the head. My dad is exactly the same.

One thing you could try is, when next time he starts singing your friend's praises, just agree with him and say something like, "yes, she's wonderful isn't she. You know, I wish you'd say nice things about me sometimes!" Just in a kind of lighthearted way, and see what he says...

unavailable, i was having the same convo with a firedn the other day. my mum alsways says she was nver praised by her mum etc... and i realsied a few yrs ago that she never praised me up either. it was quite a shock, and i have not brought it up.

op, i understand you totally. I did confront my dad about ten yrs ago, but tbh he didn't really get it, and all i got was 'of course i love you'

i too think it's a generational thing. my dad also never had a dad, which i attribute to him being a bit crap at the grandfather thing.

My dad is also a pretty rubbish grandad, but he loves my dd. My parents are divorced so i also think this makes them both a tad lax, as thier partners are not very into the family thing.