Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

okay your stories over here please. . . do men really change THAT much?

1 reply

wheredohairbandsgo · 27/11/2008 20:17

I am a lurker and rarely post, but REALLY need some advice please.
I split up with my exP five years ago, he was my first love, thought we'd marry etc. after having dd6. Realtionship was rocky at end, with bit of bullying violence thrown in. But heart got totally smashed when he decided he didn't want me after all and I ended up on my own. Have never found a love match like him so far.....though not through lack of trying
Now exp told me he is marrying a new girlfriend of just 6 months. They haven't even lived together yet.
Call me bitter etc. but I feel totally heartbroken about this. Since we split he's been the most selfish tw*t around and made life really tough for me to look after DD, (but has been seeing DD regularly and is good wit her.) With hard work I made a good new life, job, house etc.
Now I am feeling so bad because I think: What if he becomes the perfect husband/ father to more kids now? How can I live with this knowing I wasn't good enough at the time?
ExP is a serial monogamist and had another gf of 3 years before this one.
Anyone have a selfish ex who becomes devoted husband material? Do men really change that much and become the loving partner you always wanted them to be with you?

OP posts:
OptimistS · 27/11/2008 20:45

Short answer, no.

Long answer, if you're with completely the wrong person and the relationship tends to bring out the worst in both of you, then yes, it is possible to have a much healthier, more considerate relationship with someone who you are much more compatible with. However, selfish personalities tend to out regardless of who you're with, i.e. if you're a selfish bullying twat, you're going to be a selfish bullying twat whoever you're with.

Some people can change, although this is usually brought about by a life-changing event and accompanied by years of hard work. Sadly, most people do not change.

If your ex has been horrible to you while he's been seeing his fiance, then it sounds as though the selfish twat gene is still flourishing, which to me would suggest that it is only a matter of time before it rears its ugly head in his new relationship. It's very easy to put on a saintly persona when you're only dating someone, but once you start living together it tends to slip.

I like to go by the mantra that a person who genuinely loves his/her children will treat his/her ex-partner with respect and courtesy because that is what their children truly need. Allowing for human nature, this isn't always possible in the immediate aftermath of a break-up, but if your ex is still being selfish, a bully and unreasonable a few years down the line, then count yourself as having a lucky escape rather than pining after the perfect husband material you think he may be with his fiance. Chances are, that person doesn't exist!!

To be less glib, I am really sorry that this hurting you so much. I sympathise and hope that you start feeling more positive about things soon.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page