cousin has got a violent husband

[boilingtoknow]

hi there, not sure it is the right place to write this thread but basically my cousin is married to this guy and they have 2 kids...he's alright but has a very low self esteem and seems to be annoyed that everyone is doing well but him...his wife does everything at home but he still finds something wrong about it...i now know of 2 occasions where he really lost his temper and broke the window on one occasion and smashed the cupboard quite badly because he was upset...the second occasion he did it in front of the kids... i am very worried about my cousin and the kids's safety and also for my own family safety as ds is very often there to play with their kids.... i know he has not been physically violent towards them (euh, as far as i know) but am very worried that his temper may make him hurt them...he has apologised on both occasions for his bad temper but who knows what he will do next???
please advise on what i should do as i do not want my cousin to be in trouble but i want to protect them too...

I'm afraid there isn't a lot you can do. If their marriage is going to improve they need to do it for themselves. Likewise, if she decides to leave, it needs to be a decision she makes for herself.

The only thing you can really do is have a long chat with your cousin about this. Tell her you are worried and that you don't want to interfere but you hope that she will talk to you and you are willing to help if she wants. It may help if you look up some information about domestic violence before you have this chat. It may make a clearer picture for you as to whether your cousin is in an abusive relationship or just one where things have gone badly wrong for the moment.

To my mind, violence, even against inanimate objects such as cupboards, is a huge red flag and signifies potential for things to get badly out of hand. However, I don't know your cousin's husband and it's possible he's basically a nice guy who is feeling that stressed he has just lashed out. It is worrying though, particularly in line with you comment that he "seems to be annoyed that everyone is doing well but him... his wife does everything at home bu he still finds something wrong about it." These are classic of an abusive situation.

If you're worried about approaching your cousin, don't be. She might be terribly embarassed and even offended, but it is worth the risk. A lot of women suddenly find themselves able to do something about the situation when they realise that someone else recognises they are in a violent relationship and that it's not all 'in her head.' Even if she is offended, she'll be touched long term, and she might actually be incredibly grateful for you making the first move and offering help. You could be a lifeline.

Hope things get better.

thanks for your advice...i don't want to get involved as u said but i am indeed worried for everyone safety even my lo one he goes there which is quite often...he is a kind guy but has too many complexes about himself, which is very negative and as u say he only hit objects up to know but when he harms people, it will be too late...to be honest, it is difficult to approach my cousin as she does not know i know iyswim...i am supposed to keep it secret...so i don't know how to go about it