i feel angry too often at dp: like permanant PMT...anyone tried living apart?

[MaeBee]

me and dp have a pretty tense relationship these days. it comes and goes, but i often have a seething, simmering resentment when he is around, and feel invaded and cross at his presence. it's almost like i have constant PMT...but just aimed at him. when im away from him, when its just me and my son, or me and friends, or even better, me on my own, i feel much more relaxed.
so i snap at him, or sulk, often about petty stuff, and its driving him crazy. he feels like he's walking on eggshells a lot of the time. i was NEVER like this before we moved in together/had a child.
we only moved in together cos i was pregnant, which was planned, but i was always very independent and into having my own space. i used to confide in him a lot, but now i feel much more private, if im having a hard time i never want to ask for help or anything, but then i get cross that he doesn't look out for me.
indeed, i think a lot of the anger is feeling i'm not getting my needs met. i'm starting a new job next week, so will be the sole breadwinner (he is a musician and makes zero money), and he is a bit grumpy that he'll be losing free time to doing childcare. i get grumpy about housework, our other relationships (we have other lovers/open relationship), childcare, sex, time away, money, well, just about everything really! i feel very much like i'm in charge of everything all the time, and i'd like not to! it feels quite unequal in our relationship as he says he is still madly in love with me....and i don't feel that anymore. i do love him, and mostly i like him, but to be honest, sometimes it feels like he is just one more responsibility to look after.
i think it's not good for my 2 year old to be around us when we're not getting on, it makes him more clingy with me. its not that we're arguing all the time, but it is tense between us about 50% of the time.
we're considering living apart, if we can afford it, but obviously are worried about the impact on our child, especially as we don't know if it would be a splitting up as such, more just having space from each other. and we don't know if we can afford it! also, we have seperate bedrooms although we usually share mine, so there could be the possibility of splitting up and living together still...but don't know if that would make me feel freer and less angry.
has anyone been in similar?

Yes, I moved out for a couple of months at the beginning of this year. Best thing I've ever done. It gave us both better perspective, and most importantly gave him a kick up the bum to get on with his life.
Marriage guidance counselling didn't help much (we hated the counsellor so much we'd end up bunking off to the pub together and giggling so I guess it sort of worked).

We got the best advice from my parents.
Here it is:
Relationships are built on friendship, respect and sex. All 3 things have to be fully functioning. Respect is the most important, and I'd lost that for my DH, as I felt he wasn't pulling his weight with money or round the house.

I will say the time apart made me realise that not only do I need to be more assertive (it's not unreasonable to expect someone - especially a co-parent - to have a job that >shock horror< pays money), I also need to try to be a nicer, better person myself.

Relationships take work. Take a breather, it's not the end of the world and your little one will be fine as long as you don't make it a drama. Try staying with friends.

The thing that brought us back together was humour and getting some joint goals.

Hope this helps
x

ps the house was a tip when I went home

thanks a lot for that. we've thought about counselling too, but think we might merely find a unity in an enemy there...hate softly softly nonviolent voices!
how long did you move out for? and how did you arrange it with your kids whilst you were living apart? what did you tell them? and do you feel less angry now?
i think i do have an issue about me being the only worker. his music is very important to him, but i would secretly like him to be bringing in a bit of a wage by the time our child is in nursery. i have sort of hinted that maybe he could work one or two days a week once our wee one is 3. but i feel a lot of guilt about this.
my partner thinks much of my anger is tied up with guilt. he may have a point. i feel guilty about soooo much! and thats on top of all the anger about the things i don't say!
he is better at making up than me, it has to be said. i can't say sorry easily at all. i would just rather forget it and move on. he can't forget it til theres been some sort of mutual apology.
i've got a weekend with my lover this friday which usually helps, at least temporarily, cos i really miss my family when im away. its for the longest time yet, 3 nights, but my dp did suggest a while ago maybe we should have longer apart to try and get some perspective.

oh, just reread it and you said a couple of months, so thats one of my questions answered!

Ah, we don't have kids btw, much to my sadness. Not for lack of wanting them. I'm a very active auntie and godmother, but I don't think I'm nearly qualified to help you with that bit.

But with the relationship stuff I might be able to help (or I might bore you to death ;)). Why not go once or twice to counselling and use it to kick start a dialogue? We'd meet on 'dates' once a week or so to briefly discuss what the hell we were doing.

One of the reasons we knew we had something worth fighting for is that we had a ball in those brief interludes.

Cos we're both well educated (read arrogant!) and reasonably sane, we thought we could solve all of our problems between us, but sometimes you need an outsider to point out where you're going wrong. My parents counselled us a lot, to be fair, and they were great. They know how realistic you have to be with adult relationships, it's not all starlight and roses, but you do have to try.

Our expectations of an adult relationship were one of the main problems. I was marching around thinking he was letting me down by not being a dominant bossy alpha male who earnt enough money for us to have a baby. He had an expectation that our wedding would launch a rosy future that would have no grey skies, but without putting any effort into anything.

We adjusted. He's slowly edging into a career that he'll enjoy and earn him enough money to live on. I've stopped expecting someone to 'look after me'. God only knows where I got that expectation from: my parents aren't like that AT ALL!

Change is the key. If you're both willing to change a bit so you can meet more in the middle then you've got yourself a plan.

Saying sorry liberates you by the way. It's not a weakness, it empowers you.

Good luck. I get the sense you'll be okay anyway, you sound really nice.

x

ps stop with the guilt. The women in my family have a weird guilt complex they pass down from mother to daughter, and my Mum, Sister and I are valiantly trying to stop the cycle! There's no need for you to feel guilty about anything.

thanks picmaestress! you know, if we didn't have a child one of us would have moved out long ago. its more how it might affect our son. both the staying and the going.
indeed, if we didn't have a child, and when we didn't, none of those problems seemed to raise. we only share money and a home cos of raising ds together.
you know, what you say about expectations really rings true. despite being a very liberated woman (who finds saying sorry hard admittedly!)i do have this thing of wanting to be looked after. i guess cos im SO organised and over empowered and rowdy and stuff! and i do have a fantasy of giving all that a break. i used to be a very heavy drinker and i think that performed the same function: to be without responsibility and weight. but now i can't indulge to that extent: although i do still go and get slaughtered when the child is away at his grandparents or i'm at my lovers or something.and i almost miss being an alcoholic...its that cliche of just having one problem to deal with, and then when you clear it up you have many!
yeah, the guilt sucks!
i wrote him an email last night outlying some things i want from him, that he can agree or disagree with. i find it easier to write than to talk it through. he's superbright and defensive too, so it usually ends up him 'winning' the arguement rather than us resolving.
thanks for your support and advice!