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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

so worried about my sister - how can I help?

8 replies

thelongroad · 25/11/2008 14:25

I have just found out from my parents that my sister is having real financial difficulties, and that they are going to be helping her even more in the future than they do already.

I have always known that money is a bit tight for her, her dp is a bit useless and not really interested in working much, and she is a SAHM to her 3 children. However, from what my parents have now revealed, the situation is more desperate than I ever imagined (phone cut off, car about to be repossessed are just two examples they were prepared to tell me about).

I live very far away from both my parents and my sister, but I talk to her pretty much every other day and she has never let on that things are so bad. She does moan a little bit about her dp, but in the sort of way that everyone does sometimes, she certainly never mentioned that he is basically in the pub after work every night spending money that they really could use.

Anyway, I feel awful for her, and I am relieved that my parents are in a position to be able to help out financially (although they are worried that all that will happen is that her dp works even less so their situation won't change at all, but that's another story). They are most worried about their 3 gc, and want to make sure that they are as cared for as possible, which I think is great.

However, I am so worried about my sister, I cannot just do nothing. I would really like to help her in some way. We are not rich, but my dh earns enough for me to be able to stay at home and look after our ds without having to worry too much about money. I budget, I meal plan, we don't go on expensive holidays etc. but I also don't have to worry about how I'm going to get my ds shoes or a new coat for winter.

I don't think I can help out financially as such, and I can't really help in any practical way as I live so far away (I'm not in the UK). And I would so like to do something for her, for my sister (as I say, my parents are going to be helping out financially, especially as far as the kids are concerned), it might only be something small, but I would like her to feel I'm there for her and maybe give her a little treat of some sort every now and again.

Does anyone have any ideas what I could do? It shouldn't be anything too obvious as she has never discussed this with me and I would hate for her to think I pity her or think she needs my charity. But I can't let my little sister be struggling while we are comfortably off. I am near tears whenever I think about it. Any ideas or advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 25/11/2008 14:29

Where do you live abroad? Could you offer to have her and the DC over for a short holiday every now and then. Pay for her flights? Call it birthday and xmas presents if she gets embarrassed about it.

notamumyetbutoneday · 25/11/2008 14:37

Send her a food hamper of practical things- not duck pate or whatever!- and call it an early xmas present?

Coud you buy practical presents for her children eg clothes/shoes/things they need rather than toys for Christmas?

notamumyetbutoneday · 25/11/2008 14:39

What a bout one of those 'cooking on a budget' type cookbooks? Or would that be incredibly patronising? it seems odd that if you speak regularly she hasnt mentionned the extent of the problem so maybe she is embarrassed?

MrsGokWan · 25/11/2008 14:49

Get her to go on to www.moneysavingexpert.com

The main site is a mine of information and the forums are excellent especially the Debtfreewanabe and Money saving old style boards.

more · 25/11/2008 16:53

I think you need to let her come to you. Ask your parents if she knows that they have told you about her situation. She might not want you to know. If she does know that you know then just ask her if there is anything you can do for her. Let her talk and if she asks for advice then give her your advice. Don't just phone or write to her with all sorts of (granted well meaning, doubt that is how she is going to see it though) advice on how to save money or how to cook on a budget.

thelongroad · 25/11/2008 18:39

Thanks for the responses.
I am also surprised that she hasn't mentioned it, but we tend not to agree on many issues, so have sort of agreed to disagree and just don't talk about certain subjects. We have a very different attitude towards money, so maybe she doesn't think she could talk about financial problems with me.
I just can't bear the thought that she is worrying or struggling when we are basically fine. I'm very pleased that my parents have offered to help out in a fairly big way, and that she has accepted this offer, but I want to do something for her too, specifically something for her, as I think she is probably rather neglected.
I am also furious at her dp (or rather not-so-d p), who, as I said, has always been a bit useless, but really, with 3 children and my sister not being able to work atm (the youngest is 6 weeks old), I think it is grossly irresponsible to have the attitude that he does. And I don't understand why she doesn't give him a good kick up the !!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/11/2008 18:55

She may also feel a sense of shame as well as being confused by him. She would likely say, "oh well he's a great Dad and a lovely person most of the time".

Your sister has likely become inurred to his behaviours over the years and now accepts this as normal. Perhaps it is because (to use a well worn phrase here) she loves him despite his many issues with money, being useless, not working and drinking. Maybe one day the scales will fall from her eyes and she'll see him for what he is but you cannot make her see this before she is ready to do so.

She sounds like she has become his enabler and your parents are certainly enabling them both.
What happens when the money they lend runs out?. No-one will be better off will they?.

thelongroad · 25/11/2008 19:05

There are lots of issues, but I wouldn't dream of trying to get involved in anything between her and her dp (oh that was a crap sentence but I'm sure ykwim!).
My parents are rather good with money, and are trying to find a solution which is long-term, rather than a have-some-cash thing which would obviously run out.
But, as I mentioned in my op, there is the worry that all that will happen is that her dp sees this as an opportunity to do even less and/or drink/spend more, so nothing will actually change, except that they will to all effects and purposes be supported by my parents.
I think my parents have basically decided this is a risk they are prepared to take, to try and help their daughter.
I just want to show my sister that I'm there for her, and that I can maybe help out in little ways, even if it's just sending something to cheer her up a bit.
I will certainly be putting more thought into my Christmas present this year, but I don't want it all to just be useful stuff they need - everyone needs a bit of "luxury" now and again, don't they? Especially at Christmas.

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