Suspect I need help?

[Sadlyconfused]

Hi

Namechanged for this thread.

Me and Dh sexlife has never been great - I find sex painful (for which I've finally made an appointment to see the GP).

However since I had a miscarriage 2 months ago we've not had sex as my husband can't. Unfortuntely we seem to have settled into a expectation of failure - I put pressure on him to have sex as I want to get pregnant again and this in turn means he can't sex.

I feel extremely depressed as a result of all this and started telling him the other night we needed to go and speak to someone about it as I felt like I was having a breakdown. Does anyone have any idea who is good to speak to about this sort of thing?

Sadlyconfused,

I am sorry that you are going through this. Does your GP have a nurse that you can talk to? I had issues with my ex telling me that sex with me was rubbish and he could get better else where (needless to say this didn't help matters much), and I spoke to our practise nurse about this and it helped alot.

Oh gosh - Sorry for your loss.

I don't really have any good advice about the painful sex so I'm bumping so someone who has something useful to say comes along and says it.

But, following a misscarriage and then the prognosis that we'd probably never have kids without IVF (which we later proved wrong, happily), I did kind of view sex as only a away of getting pregant for that longed for child and in turn that did cause problems for my dh. He felt enormous pressure.

I think perhaps you need to ask yourself if it's the sex or the expectation of pregnancy that's getting you down. A GP is the best person in the first instance and perhaps if you are seeking berevement counselling for your miscarriage - they might be able to help. I didn't seek berevement counselling until it was spotted at our fertility examinations that we were not coping emotionally. So we had berevement counselling 2 years later and boy it was difficult, but boy, it really helped us.

I wish you the best of luck.

Your GP should be able to refer you to a sex therapist - I don't think this will go away on its own. Also, Relate offer sexual health counseling - you don't have to be on the verge of splitting up to see them.

It sounds like you could have vaginismus(sp?) which any therapist will be able to help you with. Although you obviously should have any other causes ruled out.

Thanks for the messages - they're much appreciated and I feel less alone.

I spoke to a nurse about it some years ago and she said slightly dismissvely - when you have children it'll get better (this was when I wasn't planning any!)

Thats a good question tryingherbest - I think that I may be trying to replace the pregnancy I lost too quickly due to my age - and therefore putting the pressure on us both - him to perform and me to get pregnant. I probaly do need to grieve more though I feel like I've been crying constantly for ages and tell people I'm not better now especially as work etc all think I've recovered and are putting more stress on m.

But I also feel that I can't ignore my issues with sex anymore - as I've been burying my head in the sand for 10 years.

sadlyconfused, I know it sounds obvious but I think you try to separate sex from getting pregnant for a few months - the more pressure you put on yourself, the worse this problem is going to get. And so sorry you were treated so badly by that nurse. There is help out there for you - I had vaginismus for about 2 years but it is absolutely fine now. I didn't actually have therapy, I went the self help route first and it worked. It took a bit of work on both mine and DH's part but it was worth it.

And also, sorry for your loss.

Ask for a referral to a gynae- you might have vaginismus- where you are tensing up subconsciously.

Agree that seeing sex as purely a means to impregnate puts a lot of pressure on both of you- good sex should come before a baby imo- so get one sorted first then think about the other. Your body probably needs more than 2 months to recover anyway after a miscarriage and possibly won't "play" getting PG for a while in any case.
Take the pressure off both of you!

sadly - I also tried to get pregant very quickly due to my age - my consultant told me that stress and it's affect on getting pregant is only now being understood. Do not put pressure on yourself.

I can find sex painful if I'm stressed (and I do seem to be alot) so I've just avoided it which isn't good.

Do be nice to yourself. Find a sympathetic person to point you in the right direction but also do give yourself time.

It's easy to talk yourself into a problem and I wander if your dh is picking up on how you feel and the stress is just too much.

I wonder whether you are both still grieving. 2 months is not a long time and perhaps you're both expecting too much too soon. My husband did say to me that he felt pressure to get me pregnant.

Any chance of a bit of a holiday to help you both relax?

Thanks again for the advice. I think I do need to be referred to a gynae so when I see the sympathetic GP (in a weeks time) I'll ask her about it.

I think a holiday would be a good idea for us but can't get any time off till after Christmas

I probably need to speak to my DH about this more as I tend not to speak to him about this at all.

Who in their right minds would suggest that sex gets better after children? Suspect that nurse was childless. I'd definitely go to Relate or similar - they're great for getting you to really talk to each other, and not stopping when the subject gets too painful, which is the danger if you're just trying to talk over dinner or something. Good luck.

I've suggested we think about going to Relate to my DH which really shocked him - he was thinking I meant relationship couselling rather than sexual. Its strange - I've been with my DH for years but still find it difficult to talk to him about sex.

Not being able to talk to partner about intimate matters is probably more common than you think. I find it hard.

You've had painful sex and what you said in your OP about your sex life. You've made an appointment - that's brilliant - you're taking a first step. The last gyne appointment I had - honest to god -they kept me in the waiting room after the exam - saying the doctor wanted a chat in his office - I was so worried they'd found something - but no - he wanted to talk about the fact the examination was pretty bloody difficult and if I felt I had any issues at all, there were lots of people he could refer to me. I garbled a bit and ran out! This was earlier in the year so the fact that YOU'VE made a first step is positve.

Be as nice to yourself as you can be. Get professional advice, and take it from there. Try your best to not put pressure on yourself. You sound like lovely people.