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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

arghhhhh Christmas Day ructions

13 replies

J2O · 24/11/2008 15:52

somebody please tell me what i should do.... basically dps aunty invited us for christmas dinner but they where not eating till 3, which is what time dd1 goes to her dads(and also, imo it is far too late to make the dcs wait to be fed)(the Aunt had offered to bring it forward to 2.30, to which i said thank you very much but its still too late for us and not to worry) so instead of causing problems i popped round to see her and said, if she wasn't offended, we would have dinner here at the normal time (12-1 ish) and then pop to see them for an hour before dropping dd1 off, i thought everything was sorted. dps mum however, was still not happy and was sending dp messages saying she was going t have it out with the Aunt, as it is too late for her own dd(age 2) to eat also, i rung her and asked her to please not get upset on our account, we are fine about it etc. I also mentioned that she offered to bring it forward to 2.30 and also said that the Aunt had mentioned her dh wanted to go to the pub for a couple of hours on thr christmas day(which imo is the real reason they're eating at 2.30 but i didn't make that known) anyway, dps mum must have misheard me and thought i'd said they(the aunt and her dp)where going to pub till 2.30(which i so didn't!)
dps mum said that i did say this to the Aunt, even though dp told her i didn't and she must have misheard me, then we saw his mum yesterday, and she said everything was fine but she still didn't know what was happening christmas day, i just assume that we(me, dp and my dcs) would stick to the original plan of eating at home then going to do presents afterwards and before taking dd1 to her dads.

The Aunty has been making comments on FB about it all, but nothing specifically aimed at me, although she refered to another chat forum on it, which i had a look at and she has written about it saying she is so upset and its all my fault for causing trouble for saying they where going to pub((again)which i didn't!!) and saying she now doesn't trust me and other people on the forum have called me a sh*t stirrer, and her nephew is lucky that himself, his latest squeeze and her kids where invited at all. i am so angry i am shaking. The Aunt also made other comments about me. I can't believe that this has all happened over a misunderstanding and that i am being made out to be such a cow, i tried to make it so i didn't offend her by not going for dinner but their timing just didn't fit in with ours. I really want it all to be cleared up but i can't admit that i have read the forum. I know myself that i haven't done anything wrong but even if i do try to get it all out in the open, how do i know they are not just going to be still thinking i am a trouble causer and being fake to me.

sorry for all the ramblings, any advice would be great, but please be gentle, i am feelnig delicate!

OP posts:
ZZMum · 24/11/2008 15:57

sounds like you would all be better talking to each other rather than on forums!!

sorry to be flippant but some direct communication is all that is required here!

J2O · 24/11/2008 16:05

i know ZZ, i just needed to get some advice before i say anything, i think it just hurts that i see people are calling me a cow and saying they hope me and dp aren't together much longer, even though i know they can only go from the story that they are told. Just like MN

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Pheebe · 24/11/2008 18:44

Why can't you admit you read the forum? FB is a public website - they had to know you were likely to see it.

It seems like til this point you've all had a pretty good relationship. I would go to see Aunty again, pour it all out, explain you would still love to come and see them in the afternoon as planned and hope thats ok.

Can't see what else you can do really

J2O · 24/11/2008 19:00

thanks Phebe, i can't say i saw the forum as it would look as though i was spying on her-which admitedly i was, but it was clear things where being said about the situation and i felt i needed to know as she was not speaking to me about it. I agree about having it out with her, but how can i do so without forcibly pointing it out that dps mum got it wrong by saying i said something that i didn't? i'm 99% sure it really was a misunderstanding and not a deliberate attempt to cause trouble. Many other things have been said about me on the forum, which i'm struggling to not let intefere with how i approach things, maybe i should just stop reading it!

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alicet · 24/11/2008 20:57

Honeyt sorry you're having all this shite

Presume if you could see what the Aunty wrote on FB she is one of your friends? Therefore she HAS to know you are likely to have seen what she wrote and also the link to the other forum - I don't think there is anything wrong in saying you were surprised at what she wrote on FB as it wasn't what you understood the situation to be and so you went to look on the forum to try and understand why you had upset her.

I know it would be more satisfying to slap the bitch yell at her or something but imho if you can keep your cool and go visit her and calmly apologise for having caused problems - tell her that you think dp's mum must have misheard / misunderstood you (rather than saying she has said something wrong) and that everything has been blown up out of proportion.

By saying this I don't think you have caused probs by the way but she is clearly a bit unhinged to go off on one like this even if you had said she was going to the pub - I mean why does that actually matter? And so a bit of diplomacy will probably help to calm things a little.

Good luck!

Pheebe · 24/11/2008 21:11

I think I would consider shaming them all by writing on the thread how upset and hurt you are that they feel this way about you and that you thought you were all getting along so well...

Failing that I agree wholeheaertedly with alicet, be open and frank with aunty but friendly and reasonable.

FloriaTosca · 24/11/2008 21:48

Oh Hon! This is the last thing you need at the moment...I think Alice has it right ...though its a bit ridiculous that you are the one who is going to have to be mature and reasonable about a silly misunderstanding with someone a generation older than you but I know you more than capable of rising above such pettiness. I hope you manage to smooth everything over soon.

J2O · 24/11/2008 21:54

thanks alice, my head is going to explode i think!

yes she is one of my friends but there was not actually a link, it was a 2 letter reference used as we would use 'MN', but unless she thinks i am thick(which it is becoming quite clear that she doesn't think highly of me at all) then it should have occured to her that i, if not DP, would have worked it out.

Phebe-i so so want to write on the thread! but i'm not sure anything would be achieved and all the other posters would probably jump down my throat for stalking her or whatever.(I really really wish i could link to the 2 threads that she has written so everyone could see how nasty it has turned, but it has real names and pics so i'd better not)

DP has spoken to his mum and she is adamant that she heard me say 'they are going to be in pub till 2.30' etc so tbh there is no way i can win, i was hoping she'd admit she may have misheard, but not so

I'm feeling pretty exhausted by it now, i think i'll try and wait till tomorrow to see if i can come up with a better solution to having to call dps mum a liar(when Aunty will prob not believe me anyway)

thanks for all the replies

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J2O · 24/11/2008 21:55

thanks FT-thats basically what dp said, that i seem to be the more mature so need to take the adult approach tbh i quite like Alices first suggestion

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alicet · 24/11/2008 22:11

You're being too nice not linking the thread - how about you link it and we can all pile in and tell her how it is without letting on that we know you! Or letting on we know you if you wish

J2O · 24/11/2008 22:24

i will send you them by email if you really want to see? knowing you, you'll definately want to jump in, but all will become clear why you can't when you see them

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EightiesChick · 25/11/2008 00:03

I agree with the advice about being open with your aunty. Go round in person and say 'Look I read what you wrote on FB and there's been a big misunderstanding, what I actually said was... and it got all mixed up. I would still like to come round before you have your dinner, so how about we go back to that and forget all this ever happened?' I know the comments about your relationship must have been hurtful but, as it's Christmas, I would say try and be the bigger person and mend fences. She may not even have really meant it all but was probably just lashing out.

I would definitely not write on the thread - that definitely draws you into it all at their level and you're better than that. Have a proper face to face conversation if you're going to do it at all.

J2O · 25/11/2008 18:46

eightieschick-you speak sense
dp spoke to his mum last night, and she got ever so upset, thinking she is to blame for it all(which she is, but not intentionally or maliciously). we're meant to all be getting together tomorrow night to sort it out, just need to try and keep my mouth shut about the other forum

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