The complete tw*tishness of my exh never ceases to amaze me....

[spook]

Hi all. I don't post much any more but this has just got me all of a spin and need to get some sensible opinions before I do something I might regret.
To cut a very long story short my exh left 5 years ago for some skiprat who he's still with (and has absolutely nothing to do with our DS's through her choice)
My ex has continually made life very difficult for me. I have remarried a gorgeous new man who is a wonderful stepdad to my boys who are now 9 and 11.
DS's stay with ex 2 nights a week but it is on his terms. He changes the night often and if I ask him for a swap or extra nights it becomes a huge issue. He doesn't have them any extra in the holidays other than a week in Ibiza during the 10 week summer holiday.
Anyway-DS2 has started playing for a football team on a Sunday morning. I signed him up and exh decided he would take this on as an activity. Fair enough.
But I asked him at pick up on Saturday where they were playing on Sunday. He gave me a very funny look and asked why.
So myself and DH can come and watch I said.
About 2 minutes later he sent a text (from his car which was still outside FFS) saying "Not a good idea"
I responded with a question mark... "The football" he replied.
TBH it doesn't surprise me but nothing pisses me off more than his bullying and presumption that he holds some sort of moral high ground. I didn't mention it to DH because it would have spoiled what was a lovely day. He HATES that exh has this control over us and always always calls the shots.
So-later on that day I get this text
"Sunday morning is my time with the boys. Attending the football is no different to coming to my mums for lunch as far as I'm concerned"
I haven't even bothered to respond and the footie was called off yesterday. This is just more of the same crap I get from him.
I wanted to watch my son doing something that he's hugely proud of for half an hour then we would have made ourselves scarce. And I know DS would have been over the moon to see us there.
Am I wrong to be angry?? It may seem petty but it just seems to be a never ending power struggle with him. What happens if DS gets married on a Saturday. Can I not go because its "his time"??? Gggggrrr!
If you've got this far-Thankyou!!

I'd go anyway - he can't physically stop you; I take it it's on a field (ie public place)

Hi Spoook - no, I don't think it's wrong to be miffed at all. Any chance of explaining to exDH that this is for your DS benefit? The way you put it in you post would do the trick with anyone half-reasonable:

"I wanted to watch my son doing something that he's hugely proud of for half an hour then we would have made ourselves scarce. And I know DS would have been over the moon to see us there."

Good luck - let us know how it pans out!

I understand about it being "his time" etc. But find it extremely petty that this would apply to watching your son taking part in a football match. If it were me I would just go and not even bother to clear it with him. It is about what you ds would want after all. It is a public event and you have every right to be there. Not in any way like going round his Mum's for lunch.

He sounds ridiculous. Don't mention any more to him about football and just turn up when your son wants you to.

ask him if all the other spectatots are going back to his mums for lunch and what is she cooking?

I'd go to, and thumb your nose at him when you see him [childish emoticon]

Thankyou everyone. Lol at Dropdeadfred. Funnily enough his mother is called Fred and I'd love it if she dropped dead.
It is such a ridiculous relationship we have that anything I say will just infuriate him more. I think he is actually very jealous of the family life we have here but it was his choice to live the life he lives now.
We will just turn up but it will cause such problems. He will make life very difficult.
I need to email him about Christmas and think I'll just say what Snowiebear said. After 5 years of this his attitude really does boil my piss!!!
He completely lost the plot in the summer because he wanted to go to Ibiza in August when he knew I'd be there with the boys (different houses,same village) He said I'd ruined his summer and demanded we cut our holiday short by a week so he could take his girlfriend without fear of bumping into me and the boys. He is clearly deranged (sp)

He sounds incredibly childish tbh, I think you could do with ignoring his tantrums and just do your own thing a bit more. He shouldn't be calling the shots all the time. If you just get on with things with your husband's backing, he won't be able to bully you. What's he gonna do? Stamp his feet and cry?

I know BitOfFun. What you're saying is right but its just little things like him changing his nights etc. I want it to be amicable. I have no problem if he has to work etc but its just things like-he goes on holiday every New Year. If I wanted to go away with DH there's no way he would look after the boys for a week.
And we've got IVF coming up in a few weeks and I might need him to help with childcare a bit and I know he won't if he's pissed off.
I just wish it was friendly but it seems it will never be.

"I'd go anyway - he can't physically stop you; I take it it's on a field (ie public place) "

yes but i'd imagine that the potential danger so tospeak would be that since the chld is in his custody for the time that he might stop bringing them to football to avoid seeing the op and her new husband. he does sound petty enough.

he does sounds completely petty but on the other hand i do kind of feel sorry for him. if it's his only time with his son and he clealy doesn't like/like to see the op's new husband then i can half seee why he'd be upset at part of his time with his kid being intruded on by the new man in his kids life.he's obviously very jealous. if it was the other way ound ad the op only had her children once a week and her ex-h's new wife insisted on intruding on even so much as a minute of it seeing as she they already get to see them for the whole rest of the week i'd have similar feelings of sympathy.

this is of course dependant on them generally being an active and interestd parent who cares about thir children and are genuinely for whatever reasons jealous of or can't stand the new partner (even though i'm not saying they would be right to do so).and not just objecting for the sake of making life difficult and scoring points on one another

I completely understand everything you've written mayorofquimby and I posted for the very reason that I needed an objective point of view.
What pisses me off is that he's not a particularly active and interested parent. My new partner came along and picked me up off the floor after he had wiped it with me. He has provided financially and emotionally for his children and turned an unhappy home into a very happy one. If it was his childrens interests at heart then surely he should be happy?? Or am I being totally unrealistic?
I hate with a passion (and I don't use that word easily) his partner but I still asked exh if she could not get a bit more involved in DS's lives so they had a family feeling at his home aswell as mine.
He left me so why on earth would he be jealous of my new husband?? More than one person pointed out to him that at some point another man would be putting his children to bed and taking them on holiday and he accepted that and walked out.

"He left me so why on earth would he be jealous of my new husband?? More than one person pointed out to him that at some point another man would be putting his children to bed and taking them on holiday and he accepted that and walked out."

well i'd imagine theirs a lot of regret and jealousy on his part mainly fuelled by self-loathing/poor self esteem (not trying to paint him as the victim here so don't jump burn me at the stake till i'm finished ) not that he deserves any sympathy but i'd imagine it's not even your partner he hates personally, it would have been any man who came along and replaced him. because they are doing what he should be doing but was not enough of a man to take responsibility for. so their are two options. he can either step up and be the kind of person he knows he should be. or he can hate your husband for being a constant reminder of his own fuck ups and failures. unsuprisingly most people will take the second option as it's the easy route and i suspect it was taking the easy route that lead to him being in this position in the first place.

" If it was his childrens interests at heart then surely he should be happy?? Or am I being totally unrealistic?"

very reasonable but unfortunately i'd imagine unrealistic at least for the time being until he comes to terms with another man having more tmie with his kids than him. while your logic is solid and comletely rational, unfortunately human nature often is not. and although he walked out i'd imagine that a lot of the time he sees himself as the victim as you are still in the house with the kids playing happy families with a new man who he sees as trying to take his place (once again irrational but people often are) and so when he sees him trying to further intrude on what little time he sees being left as his time with his children he's going to get his back up. all in all it would probably be better foryour children if you could all get along, but he probably saw the football as something that could be his and his sons thing. i mean traditionally it's dads who teach their kids football and who bring the son to matches (i know that it was a huge bonding thing for me and my dad,where as i don;t think my mum saw me play once)so he probably viewed this as one thing he could excell at in the parenting sphere and be the good guy for once. as i said at the start i'm not trying to defend him,his motivations are probably largely selfish and i understand if people flame me.i was just trying to paint a pcture from a male POV and how i could imagine myself reacting if it was my kids and another man was now living in the house with them.

but then again, i could never imagine myself being inactive/ not caring about my kids for 90% of their lives and then going becomin super-dad for one sunday morning a week so maybe i'm giving him too much credit

I think mayorquimby is very wise!

The problem is that you are applying logic and rational thought to this, and you have very obviously moved on. Your exh is playing catch up, I think, and is responding emotionally not rationally! It sounds as if it may take him a bit longer to be where you are now...

mayorquimby is indeed very wise Fluffybubble and what you say moq makes perfect sense.......however........you have it in a nutshell with the superdad one morning a week comment. And THAT is exactly what makes me angry. He behaved so badly throughout the whole messy divorce (his affair had gone on for a year before I found out with the boys dancing teacher) and has never ever shown any remorse. Just, as you say, the victim.
I had a breakdown and was left with no money and begged him to come home but he still seriously believes he did nothing wrong. And yes-I do believe in karma and I do believe I came out the other side with a wonderful life and he is and will always be a bitter twisted bastard.
So I guess I have answered my own question really. It will probably always be this way and we'll just all have to learn to get on with it regardless.
I do however want to see my son play football

Sorry dittany. Crossed posts.
He has a house in a certain village and I go to another house in the same village where my family are. We have gone every August for the past 5 years so why it was a surprise to him I don't know.
Silly arse. Needless to say, I didn't cut our holiday short and he resents me for it still.

haha now can you all tell my oh how wise i am so she'll let me make decisions once in a while?

i'd most certainly agree with dittany on the picking your battles front. while he may have you on a technicality on this one seeing as it's during his time and he might just be petty enough to take football away from his son to spite you, what you can't let him do is control other aspects of yor life. e.g. changing days to suit him but making life hell if you want some flexibility.
unfortunately when you are thinking about your kids best interest this is hard because you obviously still want them to enjoy time with their father and if you deciede to play his game of being just as rigid when he needs flexibility you are coming down to his level of pettiness. and a)this will hurt no one but your children if the two of you are keeping score over one another on who helped who out last b) i know that most parents don't want to feel like they are forcing responsibility on the other and that their children are some sort of chore/punishment.he should want to spend time with his kids whenever he can.

it's a nightmare situation but you can;t let him exert power of your lives. and while it's tough you should know that if he chooses to take a back seat and not care then it's him who is missing out.

What is the issue for your xh? You being there or you being there with your dh.

Just go wrapped up in lots of layers - get your DH to wear a blaclava and you wear a snood or a coat with a huge hood.

It is a public place he cannot stop you from going.

spook - you want it to be amicable and nice for your dc - I understand that.

He doesn't give a toss whether it is amicable or not and will use the fact you do to get what he wants. He does this on a regualr basis.

If you stop keeping it amicable and be firm then he will have a big hugh tantrum (big deal) and then have to come to terms with the fact he cant walk all over you.

It isn't really amicable now is it? He gets what he wants and you dont. So if you upset the apple cart and say no to his stupid demands what actual difference is it going to make to you? He is the only one that it will make a difference to.

There is nothing wrong with saying no

Surfermum, I suspect but I couldn't be sure that its me being there with DH. Although it was DS2's parents evening last week and I noticed he had made a separate appt rather than go with me.
I really do know I have to start putting my foot down. I think I'm going to mail him now and tell him that I understand his point about the football but we were just going to stay in the background and watch half an hour or so. for DS's sake.
Then I'm going to broach Cjristmas and then I'm going to test the water and see if he'll have the boys for a week in March so we can get away after the IVF for my birthday. If he says no then fuck it. I give up on being flexible.
Mayorofquimby you are excatly right in so much as I hate playing tit for tat. I feel like I'm palming the boys off when I ask him to have them. Its an incredible guilt trip. (but we do take them on holiday with us usually!)