Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH could loose his job and things are really hard between us

17 replies

lovespink · 22/11/2008 19:19

Hi just wanted some advice, my DH could loose his job, I am working to, part time as we have kids. What I do is not good enough and he expects more, what I do and say is not right, already on antidepressants but this is not helping at all, I think he is depressed too and to be honest with christmas looming and the job could be gone soon, he is very stressed. I am trying to be a support but its just not enough in his eyes.

Any advice?

OP posts:
MerkinFitter · 22/11/2008 19:43

How many kids do you have, and what are their ages?

twinsetandpearls · 22/11/2008 19:47

I can;t offer any solutions but am going through similar so I do understand.

Can't offer practical advice but sometimes it helps to know others are going through similar.

JerricaBenton · 22/11/2008 19:50

What does he expect of you lovespink?

Original poster
lovespink · 22/11/2008 19:51

3 kids age 2, 5 and 8

OP posts:
Original poster
lovespink · 22/11/2008 19:53

I think he thinks I should do more than I do, even though I do as much as I can already, maybe he thinks I should do more work on top. We just argue cos we cant seem to sort this out!

OP posts:
Alexa808 · 23/11/2008 12:20

Could you do any extra work lovespink? Ad maybe leave the smallest baby with your family? Has your Dh already put out his CV to look around? Just in case...

squeezes hand

MerkinFitter · 23/11/2008 12:39

When you say "he expects more, what I do and say is not right", what is it exactly that he says to you? What does he expect?

octavia · 23/11/2008 12:40

Its probably because he feels useless and wants you to deal with itThere is nothing you can do but be supportive but don't let him think the way out of all this is your sole responsibility. We are in the same boat and I really feel for you

ToughDaddy · 23/11/2008 19:56

It may be an idea to sit down with him and say "we are really up against it but if we pull together as a team then we survive the gloom". Together, draw up a list of practical things that you can do as a family to help your situation.

Useful skill to be be able to turn adversity to your advantage. So in this case, channel the financial insecurity to make you a better team.

PS Good luck. And we will all survive the downturn; it is only temporary and previous generations have faced more adversity. It is PARTLY a matter of adjusting our expectations. Again, best wishes

Original poster
lovespink · 23/11/2008 22:43

thanks for your replies.

he does seem to want me to take the heat for the problems, I already do a few part time jobs that take up most of my time, I dont see how I can squeeze anything else in. My family all work so they cant look after the youngest.

What I mean when I say i cant say or do things right, is that whatever I do, in his eyes is not enough, he says that its good I do it but if he looses his job, my earnings will not even cover the mortgage let alone bills. I feel that all I do in his eyes is not enough and I am working my bum off, if that makes sense?

I am trying to be supportive but its hard when he makes me feel so useless!
I know lots of us are in the same boat.

Thanks peeps. x

OP posts:
MerkinFitter · 24/11/2008 11:29

Has he been looking for a new job? Has he had many interviews?

Sorry to hear of your difficulties, its a bad time for a lot of people. But its also not fair for you to recieve the brunt of his stress.

Original poster
lovespink · 24/11/2008 18:47

he thinks if geta another job he will be last in and first out. I think he is hoping his job will be ok. I agree its not fair I take the brunt and if I was lazy and sat on my butt all day I would think I would diserve to be the brunt of his stress, but I work hard too as well as look after the kids. I think its just going to be take each day as it comes and hope things improve.

OP posts:
TheGreatScootini · 24/11/2008 18:56

Think he is just stressed to high heaven.He probably is panicking so much that he's beginning to lash out, unfortunately at you.
My DH has recently been sitting his accountancy finals as well as working full time and had got so stressed that it became unwise to speak to him in the end because even the most innocent comment would evoke a snappish response.Fortunately for me I knew the end was in sight.A quick talk the weekend after he finished the exams to point out that I wouldnt accept it now his exams were over has been successful.I realise I am lucky in this and there is no end in sight for you.But I think the suggestion of sitting him down for a good talk about this and listing all the practical stuff you can do is a good idea.Have you a friend or relative that can mind the kids for an afternoon so you two can talk or just spend some time together doing nothing.Even a few hours off can make all the difference.

Good luck.Things are so grim right now.Think we are all just going to have to hold on to our hats for a while and ride it out.

ToughDaddy · 24/11/2008 21:31

-Is there scope for you to take in a lodger? You can charge just over 4,250 without paying income tax?

-If you are on a punitive mortgage then if your husband loses his job, then go see your bank manager and re-negotiate the rate. It is in his interest to do so as well as otherwise you could default which is no good for bank either.

Your DH needs to see that you need to pull together not tear each other apart. Start by telling him that you realise how much stress he is under and that you are proud of him...but then let him know that you are also feeling the strain and that you guys need to support each other through this rough patch...

Best wishes again

MerkinFitter · 25/11/2008 08:00

How does he take his stress out on you? is it just shouting/cross words?

carrotsandpeasifyouplease · 25/11/2008 08:18

have you sat down and worked out exactly what would happen if he did lose his job, how much your outgoings would be at a bare minimum etc (what Toughdaddy said).
Contact your mortgage company even anonymously with a what-if scenario, look at jobs and see if there is anything that would tide you over such as labouring even or temporary work.
Do you have family who could give you a temporary interest free loan at short notice?

If you get an emergency plan ready then that aspect will be clear in both your heads and it may make it easier to deal with if you presume the worst is going to happen.

Original poster
lovespink · 25/11/2008 17:26

Thanks for the tips, some I did not even think of like going to see the bank manager.

he dont hit me, he gets verbal and shouts at me.

No family can afford to lend us any money as far as I am awear, my mum has been helping by getting the kids some much needed things, like new coats. She is also buying us a bag of shopping a week, with some things to help us out, she is helping that way.

Will keep u informed

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page