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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel like I'm ready to be with someone, but I want it to be with the right person

5 replies

Flightattendant4 · 21/11/2008 11:32

It's been ages since I was even interested in anyone properly. I've two children and haven't been with anyone since I left ds2's dad (or he left us - not sure) about 2 years ago.
Lately I've met a few nice people and there has been some friendship and some attraction, and I am starting to get 'offers' as it were - I'd like to be with someone, but I don't want to give myself to the first person who asks iyswim. I want to do it right this time.

There is one man I've liked a lot for almost 3 years now, but he has a girlfriend who lives a long way away, and he has said he would like to be with me but he hasn't finished with her and I'm not sure if he is going to. So nothing can happen there, although I'd really like it to - once he is free of course, which might not happen.

Someone else has just come out of a divorce - well he's still in the middle of it - and is a lovely bloke but I don't think he's the one for me.
Another guy has recently broken up with the mother of his child, and again is lovely but doesn't set me on fire iyswim - he's nice but I don't feel that special thing.
He's a bit younger than me as well.

Finally we have the fantastic older man who is with a girlfriend and even has a wife somewhere in the background - they've been properly separated for yonks - and he blatantly asked me to have an affair with him last week. I do fancy him but somehow am not enthralled at the prospect of being someone's bit on the side - I need a man who respects me and won't just swan off when he fancies someone new.

I feel very confused. It's been so long that my hormones are going mad, but I don't want to mess things up yet again - my mother says she'd prefer it if I never had another relationship, as it's far too complicated for her (!) and I do feel some responsibility to choose the right sort of person if I did get involved.

I just drove to my lovely friend's house (the one who is still with the long distance girlfriend, but keeps hinting) and sat in my car outside it, wanting to go and tell him to make his mind up, as I can't hold out forever. But of course I just came home. It feels awfully presumptuous to even talk about it - he doesn't belong to me. But with all these offers I just want him really and I'm afraid I might let my guard down and go out with someone unsuitable because I am so lonely.

Someone give me a slap, please. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
shitehawk · 21/11/2008 11:35

You don't have to be with anyone just for the sake of being with someone.

Are the other available men wrong because they are just not the man with the girlfriend? Because you will never, ever find Mr Right if that's the case.

They may also be wrong simply because they are available and that frightens some people, particularly if they're not really ready for a new relationship.

What about just having fun and being friends with people for a while? You sound as if you are putting too much pressure on yourself, and desperation isn't going to attract anyone to you.

Flightattendant4 · 21/11/2008 11:46

Thanks SH. No, it isn't desperation excatly. I've just not been offered anything for so long iyswim, and have been trying to leanr to like myself again - and not need someone - but now I'm being chased I feel like it's hard work saying no, so maybe I am not so strong as I thought...

I think I am scared of being with someone as well, not sure if that's what makes the available ones seem unattractive or not. I think it is just that they're not very attractive! The one with the long distance girlfriend used to really, really like me years ago when I was with someone else. It's taken me ages to feel the same about him and now he's with her and, well, I have lost my chance - but whenever I see him he says he'd like to be with me but he is with her. I wonder if he's playing games with me really.

I always go for the one I have known the longest, as they seem safer. I don't want to trust someone new, it's a big hurdle for me - yet I have know the available one for years, in fact I dated him in the sixth form briefly - and it never went anywhere then either! So in theory I should be going for him. But I'm trying to think straight.

Man with wife and girlfriend would never be serious. I don't want it but it is a nice ego boost and I find myself fantasising about him. But at the same time I don't want him.

I just have been in love with the other one for ages now. It might be an illusion, but I'll never know if he doesn't get a move on and make his mind up!

OP posts:
Flightattendant4 · 21/11/2008 11:48

sorry probably do sound bonkers, my brain is all befuddled

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 21/11/2008 12:20

don't rush into anything. I felt like you do for a long time after my divorce and went out with several very unsuitable men. Ijust wanted to settle down and be happy again and I guess, prove to myself that I could make a relationship work. For a laugh, my friend suggested I look at 'some of those sad bastards' on friends reunited dating. I did, started communicating with one (who wasn't that sad after all) hit it off and 5 months to the day later after our first email, we married. That was 3 years ago, we have a beautiful daughter aged 2 and are expecting our second baby in February. When I went on the website it was just for a laugh, I wasn't looking and I found the most wonderful man. I'm not saying that you should find someone online but you certainly can sift through lots of undesireable ones! Good luck

Flightattendant4 · 21/11/2008 13:56

Thanks MO
I just had a look on there, and they are a bit scary aren;t they...

then I went into the other FR website and sent messages to several old school friends, one of whom emailed back, and seems to have forgotten who the hell I was!!!

Meantime the man with the girlfriend and wife came round and started trying to get intimate with me which made me feel a bit sick. I am sitting here kind of shaky. I just don't want to be with him. He told me it isn't going well with the girlfriend. I mean what is that supposed to mean? I don't want to be with him, I am feeling quite scared and upset about it. Thank goodness he is going away for a few months.
It's horrible when you have been flirting with someone and they take it too far.

OP posts:
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