Could you cope with it if your partner STARTED smoking?

[gemmiegoatlegs]

My dh has just confessed he has been smoking. He used to smoke when he was younger but stopped after hypnotherapy years ago. However, since we visited some smoking friends at the weekend he has been buying cigarettes and smoking in the garden. He has also confessed he has been buying cigarettes 2 or 3 times a week on the way to work and smoking the entire pack in one night. I am really shocked that it has gone this far and can't bear him smelling of cigarettes and going near the dcs after he has been out for a fag. It is also clear he has been lying to me about it for weeks or months, if I commented he smelled of smoke when he came in from work, he told me he had one off a man at work, not that he had been buying and smoking entire packets.

He said he will go to the doctors but doesn't want to go on patches as it will only put nicotine into his bady even more regularly. Obviosly he doesn't have the will powerto just stop. Is there any other methods of kicking the habit?

I feel really let down, this isn't how I saw him, or us.

I would cope because dp has been a smoker as long as I've known him, but has stopped for reasonable periods of time, on and off

He's Off, at the moment, and has been for a while so I'd be upset if he started again but that'd be his choice and he knows what a crap thing it is to do

To OP: better to use nicotine patches than smoke. Nicotine isn't harmful on its own, it's all the other crap that buggers your lungs

is it really up there with:

having an affair
being violent
masturbating over a picture of your mother

Have to say agree with mysterym.
If you are that upset over it tell him how you feel but its not really a hanging offence(yet).

lol @ wanking over MIL

(her picture, obviously!)

Whoops, pressed post too soon

Allen Carr worked for me, but I agree he has to want to stop.

Fishie my dad has chewed the gum daily for over 25 years with no ill-effects yet (I've googled because tbh it worries me, but there don't seem to be any studies into long-term use - he is a retired GP though so hopefully has some common sense about his health).

Hi, thamks for all your replies.
At no time have I threatened to leave my dh, I believe in loyalty, but I can't put my feelings aside completely.

When I said this is not how I saw us, I meant that in my mind we are the kind of couple that run in the park with our dcs, not sit in a chair puffing or wheeze up the stairs!

Dh tried to phone the docs yesterday but couldn't get an appointment. I hope this indicates he is serious about giving up. I am just concerned that he thinks there will be some miracle cure for him and he won't have the willpower to get through.

Wehave recently visited my dsis who is taking Champix to stop her smoking. However, she has been a heavy smoker for 16 years and has admitted that the medicine itself has some horrible side effects and certainly isn't an effortless cure all.

the concern about nicotine patches for dh is that he hasn't been smoking every day, but "binge smoking" an entire pack 2 or 3 times a week. YThis is why he is concerned about oputting the nicotine into his system more regularly. At the mo I'm not sure if he his physically addicted, but seems to have more problems with the habitual effects, maybe an emotional crutch?

I do agree that he might be better on the patches cos then at least he isn't taking in the tar, the formaldehyde etc,

IIf you are on patches, does it reduce the cravings totally or could you still smoke as normal and use patches?

He has to want to stop and he has to have willpower. There is no miracle cure and champix, patches, gum etc. are all only for the the physical cravings. All nicotine has left the body within 3 days of stopping smoking so if he is "binge" smoking, then his is not a physical addiction.

Try the Allan Carr book but he will need willpower as well

DP and I are on week 7 of stopping smoking (just "cold turkey") and either of us would be gutted if the other one re-started.

Here is a list of different products to help people stop smoking....Here The gum and inhaler can be used as and when needed.

Here is the electronic version that a PP mentioned... Here can be used with or without nictotine.

He shouldn't worry about the nicotine patches - nicotine by itself is neither a) addictive nor b) cancer causing.

There is lots of evidence to back this up. Lab rats will NOT work for nicotine - the pleasure it gives them is not addictive enough for them to put in the effort (unless starved and stressed first). (And on a side note, the substances they will work for most are not just heroin, but sugar!).

And in Sweden they have Snus, which is tobacco in pouches that they stick in their gums. The warnings on these packets no longer say "causes cancer" as they have found that taking tobacco (and therefore nicotine) in this form does not present a cancer risk.

It is something to do with the combustion of tobacco and the thousands of chemicals that smoke produces that results in the link with cancer. Though the research scientists are still trying isolate the actual chemical.

I smoked for years then gave up for a year and started again. I gave up a few times and cut down a few times. Only finally gave up just before I got pregnant.

I started smoking again every time purely and simply because I enjoyed it and I wanted to. I managed to give up because I wanted to stop more than I wanted to smoke.

What worked for me was thinking of all the negatives:

Health risks
Smell
Cost
Increased insurance
Not wanting my children exposed to smoke

etc etc

I wrote a long list and kept it with me and whenever I felt as if I was wavering I got it out to remind me why I didn't do that any more.

OP I think if you smoke and use patches then you might well throw up (a friend of mine did) - which might help He could use gum instead if he didn't want to have nicotine in his system all the time (also I found the patches itched horribly). I gave up several times (!) using gum then finally for good with Allen Carr

I thought snus was linked to an increased risk of mouth cancer.

Your DP won't stop unless he wants to and you are wasting your time trying to make him.
I am an ex smoker and DH smokes but he never ever smokes at home or near the children. He smokes on his way to work and on the way home and goes out for a ciggie during the day. When I gave up he made the decision to never ever bring it home and i appreciate that. He knows I hate it and I get upset that he smokes - we went to a work do on Friday and he went out for a cigarette and I really resented it, but I know that I can't MAKE him give up. He knows the risks. He knows it is bad for him. He knows I hate it and want him to stop. He will stop when he wants to. Like I did. I smoked for 25 years and gave up without using anything to help me because I made the decision to choose not to smoke one day at a time. Even now I see it that I choose not to smoke. I can have a cigarette any time I want I just choose not to.
Does that make sense?

My DP and I gave up smoking nearly 18 months ago. I had smoked for 16 years ( except 6 weeks when I was on nicotine patches). DP had smoked for 20+ years but had given up twice before for a year and 2 years.

We decided enough was enough and that we didnt want our children smoking. We went cold turkey and it was hell. But it worked!

There are still days when I could just light up. But I dont because I know how difficult it is to stop. I dont want to have to go through that again. I know that I couldnt be a social smoker and have the occasional one so I wont even go there.

If your DP really wants to quit he will. he's done it before and he can do it again. He has to want to though and not be bullied into it. That wont work. It didnt work for me.....over the years lots of people went on at me to stop and it just stressed me out and made me want to smoke more.

Sorry, but nicotine is an addictive substance. Stopping its use causes withdrawal symptoms. This is true even for nicotine gum.

Quitting cold turkey is best, especially in the situation of OP's DH who doesn't seem to be physically addicted to nicotine.

That is how I was, before I quit at the beginning of this year - could go hours & days without smoking, and then would smoke half a pack when having some wine. Honestly, it wasn't difficult.

I agree with others that he has to want to quit, though. Nobody can do it for him.

Edam - no, snus is not linked to an increase in mouth cancer. Chewing tobacco as used in the US is, but the snus that is used in Sweden (and starting to be marketed elsewhere) isn't.

how is it going?

Fishie -- please could you tell me the name of the book by Canadian psychotherapists that helped you quit? I have googled every combo of "Canadian" "book" "quit" "smoking", etc, and nothing.

Thanks!

DP and I gsve up in March when I found out I was pg with ds. Dp used lozengers. Asda and morrisons have their own brand at a fraction of the price of major brands.

I had to use willpower. Must admit I have had a smoke now and again though Everyone has willpower, it is whether their subconcious lets then use it. If he tells mimself that he cant do it, then he wont.