Feeling a little bit sad and disillusioned and confused (long, sorry)

[ALittleBitSadTonight]

I started my maternity leave on Friday. I worked away Monday to Friday in a residential job so was only ever home with my DP at weekends or when I had holidays from work. I was really looking forward to spending a bit more quality time with him before the baby comes.

I don't know if I'm just feeling a bit emotional because things have changed so much for us both this week, but I've hardly seen him since I've been home, and he's been really quite distant when we have been in the same room.

He was out all day Sat but we did spend Sunday together which was lovely. He was out Monday night, was doing DIY Tuesday and last night, he's been on the PC tonight since he came in from work and now he's gone to play squash, he's out with lads from work tomorrow night and he's got a gig on Saturday night.

I don't expect him to sit in with me just because I'm home, I realise he lived pretty much a single bloke's life through the week when I wasn't here, and would never expect to be his centre of attention.

However, when he's in the room with me it's like he's switched off from me - he's tuned into another channel. He doesn't seem relaxed. He's not being very affectionate, he's not even told me he loves me (unless prompted) since I got back Friday night. It really is like I'm not here!

I understand it's a period of adjustment for him too, having me here full time, but I thought we would at least do SOMETHING together through the week. Last night he mentioned going to the pictures, but not until next week, and tonight he came out with "sorry I haven't spent much time with you this week", before rushing off to squash and saying he'd call me when he was leaving so I could put some rice on (!).

I don't want to be needy, but I've basically come to an area I don't know too well, don't know many people and I just feel a little bit... lost and abandoned, as well as heavily pregnant.

I don't know... am I just being high maintenance?

You're not being high maintenance and I think you should be honest and tell him how you are feeling. And please remind him how rare this time is right now. Once the baby arrives everything will change...in wonderful ways and in very challenging ways as well. He should alter his schedule to spend a little more time with you IMO. It's the last chance he is going to get to have you all to himself!

It's like he's been detached this week - he came home for lunch today and I made us a sarnie each - and he got himself a plate out and not me. Then last night while I was cooking dinner, he asked if I wanted a can of pop - I said no, I'll have a Ribena - so he got himself a can of pop and walked off without getting me a Ribena!

Little stuff, but I feel like I'm invisible at the moment.

ALBST - for my two cents, you should sit down with him and talk to him. Tell him that you have been feeling as though he has been acting detached and ask him if anything is bothering him. It sounds as though he is just preoccupied and being slightly thoughtless but I doubt that has anything to do with you. You must both have a lot on your minds because of the imminent arrival of the new baby. You should also be brave and tell him that you are feeling a little vulnerable at this time (which is extremely normal) and you would like a little more support from him, such as spending more evenings with you. You can explain that you don't expect him to devote every second of the day to you but you need a bit more from him right now. Also extremely normal. Are you usually able to talk to him about things in generaly?

You don't sound high maintenance to me. It sounds like your DP is still stuck in 'single man during the week mode'. I bet he hasn't even noticed he is being like this and hasn't really thought about it - typical man. Do you think he knows what you want and how you are expecting things to be? Sorry to be sexist but I think men can be pretty dense unless you tell them exactly what you want! Could you say "I've been looking forward to spending more time together now that I'm not working and next week I would like us to do x on Monday, y on Tuesday etc, would you like to do that?". Then after that week ask him for ideas on what you could do together the following week.

He's generally a very busy person - lots of hobbies, outdoor stuff, plays in a band etc. I used to do some of the outdoor stuff with him, but now that I'm so big I'm a bit more restricted in what I do. I worry it would do his head in if I were to force him to stay in too much and he would resent me for it.

I'm already feeling like shite about the fact that he's playing a gig on NYE, when I'll be 40+1 if the baby's not already here - and if the baby has been here a couple of days it'll be me and the baby in on our own NYE.

He's not usually selfish, but I don't think he realises how much life has changed for me, and his is still pretty much the same.

Oh, and yes, I can talk to him, and I tried last night when he was sitting bolt upright watching TV with his hand poised over the remote control - I said he looked really on edge - which he denied. I didn't want a big argument, so I left it.

"I don't think he realises how much life has changed for me, and his is still pretty much the same." It seems as though you've nailed what's bothering you. I don't think you should worry too much. It is also very normal for the reality of a "coming-soon" baby is more apparent for the woman first. Once your little one makes his/her appearance, reality will set in for your DH soon enough. For example, you could be craddling your LO by the time NYE rolls around and whether your DH realizes it or not, that gig may just not happen for him. For example, when my baby was born, I had a five day epidural headache and I could barely move my head. DH had to help, that was that. You could face somethings similar (not that I'm saying you will) Could you just try talking about you and not making it about him? By that I mean tell him the things that are bothering you and what you're worried about with the baby coming? Perhaps that will encourage him to share with you. Good luck.

sounds to me like you've hit the nail on the head with your second last post about how he doesnt realise how much life has chnaged for you, and his is just the same - agree with actingnormal that men can be dense about other people's feelings at times.

I think loads of men dont realise how much a baby chnages things till it actually arrives cause although they can see the tummy growing, its not the same as feeling it move inside you so it changes for us far earlier.

Hopefully he can put some of his own things aside - even if its only one or maybe two nights a week to do something different with you - dont necessarily have to stay in unless you are tired, but maybe just not do sporty things a couplde of nights so you can be together.

crossed posts greyclay - funny that we used similar phrases

Great minds etc.!