Death of a Toxic Parent - how to cope?

[notreallycopingwelltoday]

I am hoping there is one person out there who knows how I am feeling. My Dad died suddenly 2 days ago. He was a toxic parent, however after years of counselling I reached a point where our relationship was tolerable. I cannot say good, but I could see him without causing me pain. He proved to be a caring grandfather although he lived a long way from me and we didn't see him often.

Now he is gone, all the bad stuff keeps coming back. I cannot, in all honesty think of one good memory. In fact all of the truly painful stuff that I thought I had dealt with is now randomly popping into my head all day long. But, I do love him and do feel devastated by his death.

I feel like my life has been turned upside down, I keep hearing about people who have lost a precious father and I just don't feel the same way. I can't draw on the good times to get me through.

To Dad,
Some dads took their children to the park,
you took us shoplifting as you looked less obvious with young children by your side.

Some Dads showed their children cartoons on the TV, you showed us porn movies.

Some Dads showed affection and attraction to their wives, you told us you fancied our friends.

Some Dads protect their children's innocence, you took mine away aged 11 when you told me all of the details of the affairs mum had when you were married.

Some dads listen and support their children when they are down, you used us as counsellors and told of us when you wanted to die.

Dad, why did you go? I love you and need you, all I ever wanted was for you to be a proper dad and now I will never ever get the chance.

So sorry. My dad is a horribly abusive man, the last tie I spoke to him he was supposed to be dying of leukemia. I drove overnight with dh to see him and then changed my mind at the last minute.
I decided whether confronting him really would have helped, what could he have said to make me feel better about everything that happened, and as there was nothing I decided not to bother.
Am waffling really but I can understand the conflicting feelings, but it is very early days of your grief to try and cope with all of this, hope ti gets better.

thinking of you both

Hi there,

I think I know a little of how you are feeling. My Dad was an alcoholic with a terrible temper and mood swings. We spent a lot of time tiptoeing round him as kids, and I had a very difficult relationship with him as an adult. He was also a respected church minister and pillar of the community. Most people were unaware of his illness and the denial and hiding it makes it much more difficult for everyone to deal with.

He died suddenly in May this year - he drowned in the bath after falling asleep, or unconscious. He had five times the drink/drive limit in his blood.

Like you, although I was devastated by his death I could not think of a single happy memory, and this troubled me, and made me sadder still. Now, five months on I have begun to have the odd good memory pop back into my head. The bad stuff will never go away but I am confident that over time my head will bring more of a balance back into how I remember him. I am sure this will be the same for you.

The thoughts you are feeling now are, I suspect, a "normal" (if such a thing exists) reaction to sudden grief and loss in the face of a difficult relationship and include justifiable anger that he wasn't a better parent while he was alive. It will get better. Don't beat yourself up because you can only remember the bad things for now. You will probably find the funeral therapeutic. I hope this may offer a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Ihavent lost a parent but feel i will feel the same when my mum passes away. I felt so worried that i sort some counselling before she died and i feel i have already greaved for the relaionship i never had but i do not think i will greive for her when she does go - if that makes sense.

I saw a friend go through simlar when her mim died and she had huge guilt because she didnt 'feel' what she thought she should.

I am sure it is ok what you are feeling so please dont feel bad in anyway.

So sad for you. I lost my dad 4 years ago. He was a toxic parent and whilst I made my peace with him as an adult I had a dreadful childhood which has left many scars, despite quite intensive counselling. It's a legacy I will never be free from. I really empathise with you. The conflicting feelings are horrendous during this time of bereavement. Don't know what else to say only please take it easy on yourself and try to love yourself. XX

So sorry. I found the words you wrote "To Dad..." moving and beautiful. I think doing more writing like this might help you. You could write it and delete it even but it will help untangle your thoughts and feelings. As someone else sort of said, you aren't just grieving over his physical death but for the father you would have liked to (and deserved to) have had. The fact that for other people, when a relative of theirs dies they often think about the good memories and use them to help them feel better, this highlights for you the fact that you didn't have the sort of father other people had/have and you don't have all these good memories.

Don't feel guilty that you don't grieve in the same 'conventional' way as other people, this is ok, you don't have to.

Had you said everything you wanted to say to him? If it was me and one of my parents or brother had died before I managed to finally tell them how their past actions had made me feel (I wrote them lengthy letters earlier this year), I imagine I would have difficult feelings about this.

Thank you so much for your support. I hadn't actually talked to him directly about all the things he did but had talked about all of it in counselling. It's so hard as he was also a strong churchman in later life and no-one would have any idea what he was like in the past. My sisters and I all have different bad memories but at the moment I don't want to admit to them how I feel as I don't want to be accused of causing trouble (complicated relationship with sisters as well).

That sounds difficult. If the person is thought of as being SO respectable you feel that you won't be believed/taken seriously or people won't want to accept the truth. If people then try to dismiss things that happened as 'nothing' because they can't face it you feel you are 'going mad' to feel what you do - but it isn't you that is 'mad'.

No advice, just ((((((hugs))))) and I think whatever you feel right now is normal and okay. If the memories that come flooding back are bad ones...then they are. What your dad did was his responsibility, not yours. And even if he did change as he got older, he still did those things to you and he never acknowledged them to you. Please try not to compare yourself to other people who had a more normal upbringing...there will not be much comparision...your experiences were unique to you...and to your siblings...as will be your various feelings on his death. ((((hugs)))) again, keep posting if you need too.

Allyxxx

Hi notreallycopingwelltoday,

I understand exactly how you feel.

My toxic parent mum died five years ago, and I feel guilty that I remember the bad things far more than the good things she did as a mother.

I try to remember that her toxicity was a direct result of her terrible childhood, although there are so many people who've had bad childhoods and risen above it.

Sorry to say there's no easy answer though in my experience, my best advice is to do what you have done - acknowledge your feelings and be honest. And don't be hard on yourself - you've done your best now live your life in a way which will shake off the demons of the past and make a different life for you and your children.

However, perhaps a bereavement counsellor or proper therapist would have better ways to help - I don't know, it's not a route I've gone down.

I'm feeling a bit better today, we have a date for the funeral which is good. I'm dreading it but at least I'll have dh by my side. There is a little part of me that feels a sense of relief, I always dreaded his visits. But then the guilt of not being the typical grieving daughter and the sadness that comes with the knowledge that he will now never be the Dad I wanted him to be. Let's face it, he never would have been but at least before I had that hope to hang on to.

((((hugs)))))

You have no basis to feel guilty, his behaviour has affected how you feel for him. Sadness is understandable...actually I also understand why you say you feel guilt...but your guilt is unjustified iyswim. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

allyxxx

I am just about coping now. I mostly feel calm about it all and above all I don't want people to act like he has grown wings and become a model father just because he is dead. One of my sisters has just spent a small fortune on special flowers in the shape of 'DAD' which is something I really didn't want to do at all but I am paying my share for them as don't want to upset anyone. However, she has also written some words for us to read at the funeral and I absolutely cannot read them because it is not true. I know I'll upset people by not reading but I feel really really strongly on this. I am not being disrespectful but I cannot stand up there and pretend in front of all of those people.

I have lots of sympathy for you, this hasn't happened to me (yet). My dad is just like yours and I need to do something to mend things before he passes away so that I don't feel so guilty. I see him still as though nothing has happened, but I dread his visits.
He is extremely fierce and I have never confronted him over any of it. I'm sorry I can't help, but just wanted to post to let you know you are not alone.

Don't do anything you are not comfortable with.
Your sisters are probably just trying to re-write the past in their heads, trying to convince themselves and everybody else that he was a good father.
Take your time and work through your feelings in your own time.
I agree that you should not stand up and read at the funeral even if it means that you upset somebody else.
I wish I could help you, or give you some wise words to bring with you to the funeral to make it all easier.

Crokky - I really feel for you. If it is any comfort I actually feel ok that I didn't confront him on all of the bad stuff. I had counselling a few years back and was encouraged to write Dad a long letter asking all of the stuff I needed to know. I actually never needed to send it in the end but it was a release to write it all down. It was amazing that sometimes it was really little stuff that really stuck with me.

The bit that I do object to is everyone seeming to forget what he was like and turning him into some kind of perfect Dad. I feel sad that he's no longer here but cannot just forget all the stuff he did.

I have talked to DH and he is being great about the funeral, he agrees that I should not feel obliged to give a speech in front of everyone if I don't want to.

notreallycopingwelltoday - I am glad you feel OK about not confronting him. I think these men sometimes have a very selective/distored view of what has taken place so confronting them doesn't solve much. I do write things down about it on MN sometimes and I am also able to speak freely to my [divorced] mum and my 3 siblings so it does get let out which helps me.

I wouldn't like to speak at the funeral either. I don't think you have to feel guilty about this - the people "closest" to the deceased person aren't automatically expected to speak anyway as they will have taken the loss the hardest - so I don't think anyone (acquaintance type people) will be judging you. Re your siblings - if it is difficult to be totally honest with them, then I would just say you will be too shaky to speak in front of people and you won't do the speech.

My dad continues to be awful to me when he has the opportunity. It's sick really. When I am fit and healthy and generally have life under control, he doesn't abuse me because he knows I am strong enough to fight it. But when I am in a tight spot (pg with complications & toddler to look after, mum sick in hospital, DH working long hours) then he was so nasty to me - talking about killing himself, telling me what a bitch my mum was (nothing could be further from the truth, it's cos of her that we have all emerged sane from his abuse). Your story sounds so familiar! I always wonder if he will change his ways and can't cut him off (for some reason, just can't, can't really explain why). He has also screwed all of us financially as hard as he can - he lives in total luxury and was happy to watch my brother eat 1 meal a day as a student as he couldn't afford any more - in fact he encouraged him to try to get more debt!! Sorry, I'm rambling. It is something I think about a lot because I don't want to be a bad person and don't really want to hate another human being.

the only advice i have is what incubator said - tht with more time comes perspective.

i felt teribly angry at my mum - and i still do - but there isperspective.

the death of a parent...well..you will be upside down - you want to feel sad, but perhaps your not as sad as you should be, you are shocked and upset, but angry too, and guilty, so very guity for daring to feel this way.

we are all here to listen, mumsnetters were the best to me, they really were. and as the months go by, the guilt will lessen, and you will have some residual anger and realise that you are entitled to it - its yours.

some better people may even be able to forgive and move on.

Hi there - totally don't do anything at the funeral you are not happy with. And remember (and perhaps tell your siblings if you can) that you all had different relationships with your Dad - you all have different feelings about his life and death, different memories and different shared experiences. There is no way I could have delivered the moving eulogy for my father at his funeral that my brother did - but the service made me realise that everyone there, not just family, had a relationship with my Dad and that for the vast majority of them it was overwhelmingly positive. That is not to detract from the difficulty or pain ion your realtionship with him - but it helped to realise that he had touched many people's lives in a good way, even if he caused me pain, and realising that someone is not 100% bad was therapeutic.
INstead ofg talking about my Dad himself at the funeral I read two poems, which were for those of us left, as well as for him. To my mind they allow you to think about the healing that will go on inside your head as time goes on, even if the person is no longer here or that death intervened before you achieved a resolution in your relationship.

Neither might be appropriate for you but I have C&P'd here anyway, and there are many many to choose from if you decided that was a solution for you to participate in the funeral without having to eulogise. Stay strong. I had another good memory pop up the other morning. They will come.

(this just 1st verse of longer poem)

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead mean naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

"Turn Again To Life"

If I should die and leave you here awhile,
Be not like others, sore and undone,
Who keep long vigils by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake - turn again to life and smile
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete those dear unfinished tasks of mine
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Both my parents are still alive and my father seems to be wanting to make peace having behaved appallingly. My mum is on the way out with Alzeimers. I've been looking at the NACAP website.

They may be able to provide some support to you.Try here - NACAP

sympathies notreallycopingwelltoday - try not to think about how you 'should' be acting and deal with your feelings minute to minute.

my dad was a toxic parent - violent and controlling. he was diagnosed with terminal skin cancer when my DS was 6 weeks old and died last year just before DSs 1st birthday. we were getting on better before the diagnosis because I'd moved away and could control contact with him. But I was terrified about how to manage his contact with DS - what dad regarded as acceptable discipline I classed as child abuse etc.

the period of his illness was really hard - the secondary brain tumour made him particularly rude and unpleasant, and I had to deal with his friends saying how shocking it was that his personality had changed as a result of the illness when really it was his true personality coming out, just he'd previously kept it well hidden from people outside the family. He'd also previously told me about wanting to commit suicide if the cancer returned so I spent the whole time wondering if he would. I also found his commitment to church unfathomable.

I ended up organising the funeral as my mum was in no state to do it. I arranged for family friends - who did not know the issues - to do readings etc. at the wake I hid away doing stuff like making tea so that I didn't have to talk to people about their positive memories because on the whole I didn't share them. But I feel some satisfaction in knowing that the funeral kept up the outward appearance that my mum wanted, and reflected the needs of my dad's family and friends.

Once the funeral is over, give yourself some space. Don't tell yourself how you should feel - I've been through tears, anger, resentment, sadness, frustration. I found myself thinkiong about my dad far more once he was dead that I'd thought about him in years. I have moments where I feel angry that I never had the chance to discuss my childhood with my Dad. I have had some positive conversations with Dad's sister tho which helped me to see aspects of his childhood (which he never talked about) which perhaps helped explain his attitude. About a year after I finally had a conversation with one of my sisters where we discussed our childhood - for the first time ever. It helped a lot. I was offered counselling (in the middle of all this, and perhaps because of I developed PND) but decided that for now, it feels too close to Dad's death to go over everything and potentially be very critical of someone who is now dead. I've found that grief - however you feel about the person - is a long process and can't be rushed.