Advice on being supportive rather than angry

[eejaykay]

I'm trying to get some tips on how to be lovely and supportive and motivational to DH when I get home this evening, rather than wigging out angry. I'm trying really hard to pull back from angry as it doesn't help.

There's a long backstory but short version is that DH hasn't worked for nearly three years (apart from a part-time job at Oddbins 2 years ago) since his Mum died (he cared for her, she had dementia). Baby due end of Feb, and he was living off inheritance money til a couple of months ago - it's gone and I'm paying for everything, although my wages don't quite meet all the mortgage and bills so its getting scary.

He has, since July, started job hunting but IMO it is very slow and unmotivated. No doubt he has lost his confidence etc but he really, really needs to pull his finger out. We are also repainting like crazy and he is doing a fair bit of that, but often days pass when he does nothing around the house.

All i can do is keep communicating and being supportive but I am finding it incredibly hard. Any advice gratefully received!

I have been sitting here trying to think of something helpful to say for the last few minutes. But... it's so hard.

So... I'm not able to give you any real advice except to say that it's not unreasonable to explain to him that you cannot cope alone and that he has to support you. If expenses are x and you're only getting x-y then he needs to step up and provide y.

My DP gets it now and is being absolutely BRILLIANT about sorting things out. But it was hard for a while.

EJK - Do you mean you are often angry and are trying to change your approach, or that you are finding it increasingly hard to continue being supportive etc ?

Thanks both of you; I'm feeling a lot less panicky today so although what I wrote yesterday is still true, some days it is much easier to cope with, and to believe things will work out, than not. I wasn't excatly supportive when i got home last night but i wasn't angry either (big heap on sofa feeling pathetic instead) - which is a big step forward.

underline, I mean I have, in the past year, had moments when I have become angry to the point of violence - which worries me extremely, especially as there is a bit of violence in my upbringing and i am terrified that I might be a 'violent person'. I am trying hard to strike a balance between acknowledging that I am angry and that it is reasonably to feel angry, and expressing that anger in non-destructive way and non-undermining way. It's bloomin' hard.

MN is a great pressure valve though!

The only way out of this one is for you to give up work and therefore FORCE him to get out of the house 7 into a job. Will that happen in Feb when baby comes along? if so, perfect.

Or... you could ask him to be in charge of the finances, pay all bills, etc. that way he will see that there isn't enough to go round. you can tell him all this, but he needs to see it.

If the £ became his responsibility, his SOLE responsibility, with no helping or advice from you, he'd get on with it.

Sorry, but i can't think of any gentle, non-boat-rocking ways to make him change. You mention not wanting to undermine him -- then give it up! Give up control of money! Lose it! Give it over to him! Say, "You do this, i can't do it anymore". It will give him responsibility (which he needs), and take the pressure off you (which you need).

Thanks Beautiful; I'm not too keen on handing over the responsibility but you're right, maybe I have to... I'll think more about it.

Oh eejaykay - I'm sure I remember a previous post of yours - I am in a very similar position so can really emphasise.

DP has jumped from job to job the majority of the 6/7 years we have been together, with weeks/months out of work in between. He also ran up debts in excess of £15k (all behind my back).

We actually split up about this this time last year (amongst other things) - only getting back together after he begged me to give things another go and promised me over and over (still have the letters) that things would be different - that he would be honest with me about his finances, sort his sh*t out and would get two, even three jobs to sort out his debts and provide for us so that I could take a full year off if we had a baby. Mainly that he would shoulder a share of the responsibility.

Fast forward a year and I'm 6 months pregnant and beginning to realise it was all pie in the sky. In fairness he does allow me full access to his bank account now so I can see what he is up to but that?s it. He had a reasonable job until he was sacked in August, although he never got round to getting that second job to pay off his debts! He was then out of work for 5 weeks (insisting that he couldn?t get temp work as they only wanted to give it to kids as minimum wage). He has since started another sales job but it is 100% commission, last week taking home £11!!

So with 2 months before I give up work he has no regular income, isn?t contributing towards the bills, is still up to his eyes in debt (incl £4k he owes me that I lent him when we split up) and doesn?t have a penny to put contribute towards the many things we need to buy for the baby.

I am so angry that after supporting him for all this time, after all his promises, the first time I ask him to support me he has let me down. We argue constantly about this. His take is that he has simply been unlucky and that it?s ?not his fault?. He tells me that I worry too much and he has until Feb as the baby isn?t due until then. It seems to pass him by that he should be paying his way now!

Strangely enough, apart from this we have been getting on a lot better (and like your DP he has been good with getting the house in shape!), which makes me even sadder that this could ruin things between us. In my softer moments I almost feel sorry for him as I genuinely think he can?t help the way he is. But mainly I just feel sooooo resentful?.

Anyway, apologies didn?t mean to hijack your thread, just wanted you to know your not alone. I can always give you my e-mail address if you ever want to chat/unload.