Control freak.........................Help needed please.

[incontrol]

Hi, (regular here, but name changed because I know what I am doing is wrong).

I had a row with DP at the weekend and it was a massive one where we both let go and said exactly how we feel.

The upshot of it is that he feels I am a control freak and try to control most if not all aspects of our relationship. I had a really good think about it last night and I am ashamed to say that I think that he is right.

A few examples, Dp wanted to have a bath, I told him if he could have it later while I was watching a programme I knew he hated.

His turn to load the dishwasher, he said he would do it later (and he would of done), but I kept nagging him so that he dod it them.

When he has a day off from work, I have it all planned what we are doing (without checking with him), If I say I want to leave the house at 10, and we leave later, it is not unknown for me to have a mood on for a while.

I never see it as a problem, but saw it as planning and sticking to it. We do have terrible rows when he is home, realised that this is due to the fact that in the week I have a routine all set up with ds, and it all goes out the window when dp comes home.

I can't put down everything that I try to take control over. The thing is we have seperate bank accounts and I am a SAHM and he gives me family allowance, he pays all the bills and I just take care of the food. He has often suggested that we get a joint banking account, but I am happy with things the way the are as I would spend whats left and he is a saver.

Its seems as though I only control little things.

I would really appreciate your comment and advice.

Thanks for listerning and sorry if its too long.

Hi. Your posting really made me think. I guess I am very similar, except I'm not a SAHM, Dh was a SAHD for a while though. I have always been the big earner and control all the bills, the money, the shopping, bathing the kids, running the house, even down to deciding what cars we buy and how we decorate the house. Dh is happy to let me do it (most of the time) but it almost makes him like a child to me (we have 2 anyway, both under 2.5).

The trouble is, I think women have a tendency to try and take on everything themselves because they realise how important it is to make sure things get done a certain way, and for me, I don't TRUST dh to do the things I do. For example, he would never remember to post the cheques out 2 days before payday, he wouldn't remember unstack / restack the dishwasher when he got in from work to make life easier after dinner, he wouldn't bathe the kids on Tuesdays and Thursdays - they would stay dirty, he just isn't organised enough.

My advice to you is that if dp is willing to take on some of your current role, explain to him that you didn't realise you were like that but you are willing to try and change (that's if you are!). Allow him to take on a few things that you are comfortable with.

One of the things we have done lately is to set up a bill account. I have my own account, Dh has his account but we have a joint account that we both pay money into, and the bills are paid from the joint account. It's a compromise.

Another thing you could do is try and do more things together, instead of either 'you' or 'him'. It's a real toughy to admit that you like control but you CAN get over it.

Good luck :-)

I don't think you are a control freak, I think you are taking charge over the domestic environment. As you are a SAHM what's wrong with that? You don't go to his office or place of work and tell dp what to do, so there's nothing wrong with you "managing" the house. To be honest, if you didn't make the arrangements to go out on his days off, you probably wouldn't go anywhere! Don't worry about it, but chill out a little.

incontrol - must admit that I think I am like you as well!! Also a SAHM and, as Cam says it is our 'job' to run the household and it is infuriating (to me anyway) when things are not done as I would do them. EG: I went out for the day on Sat leaving DH with DS (now I know from mumsnet that this is a luxury that not all mothers can have) .... I had a wonderful day out but came home to an absolute tip ..... I didn't say anything..... but was seething inside.

I also hate plans to be altered but I do try really hard to be more flexible ...... no advice really (fortunately we have no issues on the financial front) ....... but lots of sympathy.

PS Perhaps it is hereditary as my DD calls DM a control freak too!

incontrol - I think I naturally prefer to be in control of things like you. Certain things really anny me when they're not done my way - but only really when something else is bothering me.

It sounds to me like you have two problems. The getting annoyed when things don't go as planned thing is perfectly understandable, and is fairly easily fixed by involving your dp more in the making of those plans. Also you could gradually make a "weekend routine" based partly on what you do in the week and partly on what your dp thinks might be a good way to do things.

The other things though - like bossing him about over little things like dishwashers and baths would strike me as the same problem that I sometimes have. That is - are you sure that there isn't some underlying anxiety which just finds its outlet in control-freakery? Perhaps the fact that you are not in control of the big things is the real problem? Or perhaps you feel underappreciated for what you do? (this would be related to getting annoyed when your week-day routine is altered).

Like dcolagirl, I think that giving him some more responsibility might help - which would have the bonus side effect of you being able to do more of the things you want to do. But, having identified the symptoms, I think you need to do a bit more thinking and work out what the problem actually is.

Thanks for your replies.

I have been thinking about this all morning, I do not have a problem with him having the money for the bills because I am bad with money and it makes sense.

DP is very good and will do housework and everything, in that respect he is fantastic. i think a lot of it, is because he (most men probably) do not think ahead. ie when you have a bath the water tank makes a hell of a noise and if he doesnt have a bath now, ds will be in bed and it might wake him etc etc. Or if I do not hassle him to do it now, he and I might forget and it will not get done.

If it bothers him that much, of course I want to try and change for him, but not sure if I have a problem or am I being assertive and planning ahead.

Hi
I too have been accused of being a control freak. Mostly with regards to ds's care. In some respects I think I am, and it is about being possessive of him. In other respects not at all though, it's more that I bear the brunt of the responsibility and care and have to deal with fallout (as you say, ds waking up because of the noise of the water tank) if things don't go the way I know they should in the best possible scenario. For example recently my aunt and her partner came to stay for a weekend and everybody wanted to go out for the day. Ds sleeps between 11 and 1 and aunt and partner were saying he could sleep in they buggy. What a lovely sleep that would be, not! So I come across as a killjoy when I say ds can't go till the afternoon... Still, I have learnt that everybody has their tuppence worth to add, even if they are not parents or were parents of babies a LONG time ago, - it's best just to ignore them (sometimes difficult!). I know it is different if it is your dh doing the complaining as this person is closer to you and more important - maybe just "give in" over the little things which don't really matter. Eg. if he says he is going to empty or fill the dishwasher later - let him do it. Then if it isn't done by the next morning you have cause for complaint.
I have come to the conclusion that all mothers are at times accused of being control freaks - comes with the territory.

Incontrol - I think you sound perfectly normal! I, however, am positively neurotic compared to people here who have been accused of being Control Freaks!! Mind you, I think a lot of it stems from the fact that sometimes i feel more like DP's mother than his Fiancee! I'm hyper-critical of stuff he does around the house and if he's more than 15 minutes late I have been known to take a right strop for hours! Oh dear.. I think I'll stop now before I realise what a terrible control freak I am!!!

When dh first accused me of being a control freak I took it (and it was meant) as an insult. But the more I've thought about it, the more I don't think there's anything wrong with a bit of control freakery, if it gets things done and you know where you are with everything! It's something we've both learned to live with over the past 4 years and dh has finally conceded - my way is best!

Well done Moomin..... they always break in the end!

Well done Moomin..... they always break in the end!

incontrol, I don't think you do have a problem. I think you are a normal mother and wife (if there is such a thing!!) along with the rest of us, and you want things to be as 'proper' as possible for your child.

I may be the only one who feels this way but with 2 kids, working full time and a house to run, if things aren't done in an organised and co-ordinated way, it ALL goes to pot, I am late, disorganised and STROPPY! To make sure life is as simple and straightforward as it can be, we MUST have routine and I think men, in general, struggle with routine.

Dh will sit on the bed in the morning and say "where is my work shirt?" and I say "have you looked in your wardrobe?" the answer? Of course not. Why look himself when he can ask me and I will know? He may accuse me of being a control freak but what choice do I have? He relies on me to get everything all goes wrong, who stresses? Both of us.

Men just need to accept that us women are better at it and let us get on with it. If they want to help, fine, they can, but don't be accusing us of being control freaks when they wouldn't have a hope in hell of getting it right 99% of the time as we do.

incontrol - well since there's reasoning behind it, you don't really have a problem.

I do know how your dp feels though - my dp has a big thing about never-doing-tomorrow-what-you-can-do-today and sometimes it drives me mad.

But both of us always leave the washing up till the next morning - life's too short!

The thing is, if your dp sees it as a problem, then it is, for him at least. Maybe it is the WAY you say/organise things, rather than the fact that you do it? Perhaps you could have said, 'Do you mind having your bath when xxx is on the tv, as I know you hate it'. You could also have trusted him to empty the dishwasher when he said he would. If he didn't do it, THEN you could have nagged him. Living with a control freak myself, I can see his side a bit. I am sure that you have the best intentions at heart, and only want your house and weekends to be perfect. However, us poor people who are told what to do all the time only want a bit of respect. We are not children!

I'm not getting at you. As I say to my dh, does it matter if the wooden floors are a bit dusty? The world is not going to end. Relax a bit, and I am sure that your dp will notice the difference.

By the way - Just to show no hard feeling!

Chinchilla, No offence taken. I value everyone's opinion.

I might add that I am an untidy person by nature, so it is not the state of the house that I moan about.

I do not say don't do this, don't do that.

Since I have posted here I realised that I DO NOT have a problem, I am not a control freak, it is just that I like things done in a certain way. It is the first time that my dp has said anything about it and sure it was said just to bug my brain (I will talk to him later about it).
Maybe you have a point Chinchilla, it might be the way I say things, I just wish that he would think things through more.

I'm not flame-baiting here but in defense of men...

There is no Y chromosome gene that inhibits forward planning and organisation skills. If you were going in for brain surgery and the surgeon was a man would you refuse him because he's clearly not organised or detail-minded enough for the task?

Our partners do have different priorities than us, I'll grant you. My guy would never see dust unless it was six inches thick. When I come home from work the house is a tip but I have no ground to freak because he wouldn't care if it was a tip when he came home.

And it's his home too. His haven from the world as much as mine or our sons. If he tried to organise me, I'd freak. Likewise if I started to run his life, he'd hate it.

Well mentioned it to DP last night, who doesn't even remember saying it, I ask him if he thought that was what I did, and he said no.

Anyway I decided a an organised and assertive and there is nothing wrong with that.

I mean, If I say to him "what do you want for dinner" he will reply "don't mind", or "shall we go somewhere nice on your dad off" he will say "yeah that will be nice you decide", so I guess I do.

So thanks away for you comments

Glad to input. Good luck! :-)