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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dp and female friend

23 replies

vbadindeed · 19/11/2008 13:01

Befpre dp and i were together, his best male and and his girlfriend split up for a while as he had been seeing someone else. Dp was also friends with the girlfriend and they lived a few minutes away and they all went out alot and on holiday together. When they split up , they agreed his (male ) friend would stay in the house they owned together as the girl's parents lived 30 mins away so she could stay there. The girl was worried when they split up she couldn't be friends with my dp anymore as he was her boyfriend's friend. The boyfriend asked my dp to tell the girt that my dp and her could still be friends if they split up. So he invited her over for dinner so they could chat and also hugged when she was upset. He also she could stay with him for a while if she needed to (he only has a 1 bed house). The girl and dp's friend got back together a few weeks later. I haven't met dp's friend yet but i already feel this girl is a threat and that the cares a bit too much for her. I have told dp this and he's assured me there was nothing it it and he only invited her over , said she could stay as he cares for her as a friend, but i have a nagging doubt.Am i being silly?

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 19/11/2008 13:03

if there are no other issues, then yes, i think you are reading too much into it

Why do you feel she is a threat? Has your DP given you any reason to doubt him?

nuclear · 19/11/2008 13:05

hhmmmmmm it sounds like he has been honest with you, as you know all the details. It is not as if he has gone behind your back and you have found him out.

the honesty is a very good sign, both from you and from him. You have told him it bothers you - he has reassured you, you have to try and trust him.

Original poster

vbadindeed · 19/11/2008 13:06

No he hasn't given me any reason at all, but i suppose i feel jealous that he could be that close to another woman. I dislike her and i haven't even met her yet

OP posts:

purpleduck · 19/11/2008 13:07

Go with an open mind
in the best case then your dp is very caring, and you are very lucky.

Be nice to her, find out more before you make up your mind -after all, it was before you came on the scene...

RubySlippers · 19/11/2008 13:08

aw - give her a chance

my DH has female friends and i have male friends and we see them on our own

it is fairly usual

don't turn this into something it isn't - he has a different relationship with you than his friends

Lemontart · 19/11/2008 13:09

Forget about this girl for a minute. What is it in you and/or your relationship with dp that means you are unable to trust him? Either you have a few personal issues (sorry if that sounds rather blunt but can?t think of a softer way of putting it) or your relationship is on rocky ground in some way. I am not trying to suggest you are an insecure person with major "issues" or that your relationship is "doomed" BUT I am suggesting that there might be more to it than just this girl. IF you were really happy and settled, confident in yourself and your trust in your man, then this friendship would not be bothering you at all. Perhaps there are a few other details you have not mentioned in your OP and I am colouring this badly, but I would look to your relationship and yourself first rather than focus on thinking about this girl and her as a threat.

Original poster

vbadindeed · 19/11/2008 13:10

Yes he is a very caring person but i just feel so uncomfortable about it. It sort of makes me feel i'm less special to him now because he 's so nice to everybody

OP posts:

Original poster

vbadindeed · 19/11/2008 13:11

No issues in our relationship at all apart from that.

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 19/11/2008 13:15

you wouldn't give two hoots about this if it was a bloke would you

have you been cheated on in the past or have general trust issues?

Original poster

vbadindeed · 19/11/2008 13:17

You're right, if it had been a bloke, it wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest. I do get nervous in the early stages of relationships and feel overwhelmed and scared something will go wrong

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pamelat · 19/11/2008 13:22

maybe its sisterly, does he have sisters? if so are they her age?

I would want to meet her though and make my own impression.

I used to be very good friends with my now DH's best friend, entirely innocent but people (not even my DH!) didnt like it and people assumed it was inappropriate, its sad really as we really did get along well but now we keep our distance from each other.

His girlfriend (who he wasnt even with at the time) has even asked me about it! We just used to natter a lot and drink. Some people do gravitate towards others and I think he did care about me, in a sisterly way.

Surfermum · 19/11/2008 13:23

Your dp sounds lovely. A bit like my dh. He has lots of female friends that he hugs when they're upset (in fact he hugs them all even if they aren't upset). He too moved in with a female friend when he split up with his last partner.

I like the fact that he is popular not just with the "blokes" but with girls too, and I like the fact that he cares about people - regardless of gender. He's just a good man and good friend - is it possible that your dp is the same?

It really wouldn't bother me - especially as you haven't met her yet. Give her a chance and then see how you feel. She may be really lovely.

thenewme · 19/11/2008 13:25

Give her a chance. She could turn out to be a good friend.

Original poster

vbadindeed · 19/11/2008 13:26

No he doesn't have sisters, just an older brother. I really wish i didn't feel so uncomfortable about this as i so much want things to work and there are no other issues with him at all atm. He said that if she'd come to stay (as he only had a one bed house) he would have slept downstair adn and let her have his bed - that makes me feel very uneasy about things

OP posts:

Original poster

vbadindeed · 19/11/2008 13:29

Thanks surfermum - he is lovely. There is a bit more to this too. Dp and i were once engaged and i broke it off and ended up marrying someone else. That hasn't woked out and dp and i are giving things another go. he was devasted when we broke up and his friend and the girlfriend were there for him when he was very down. he said he didn't want this girl to feel like he did when he and i split up

OP posts:

unavailable · 19/11/2008 15:20

Do you think his friend judges you regarding your previous break up with dp?

Original poster

vbadindeed · 19/11/2008 16:59

probably!

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Original poster

vbadindeed · 19/11/2008 16:59

probably!

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unavailable · 19/11/2008 22:22

Maybe that is what is really making you uncomfortable, then. If you feel guilty about the way you behaved when you split (I'm not suggesting you should!)then maybe you feel uneasy around someone who was around for the fall-out?

Sorry if I'm way off the mark here.

frazzledgirl · 20/11/2008 15:00

Vbad, I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but having read some of your earlier threads, do you think there's a chance that you've got used to lots of conflict and drama in a relationship and are perhaps magnifying this a bit?

If you two had your ups and downs, and you and your ex were v volatile, perhaps you just aren't used to things being OK and are borrowing trouble to some extent.

I don't want to dismiss a genuine worry, just thought it might be worth mentioning. Sorry if totally wrong.

Original poster

vbadindeed · 21/11/2008 11:59

frazzle - you could be right. I'm not used to the calm and contended feeling of a happy relationship so maybe this issue is not really an issue at all. More so because it happend before dp and i were even back together. They have never seem eachother alone apart from that time when she split up with his friend. I guess the bext thing to do it to try to get on with her when i meet her - i may even like her!

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ib · 21/11/2008 12:08

My (and dh's) bf is male. If I ever had problems with dh, I would absolutely turn to him, and I know he would offer me to stay in his flat if I needed to.

There is no way ever that there would ever be anything sexual between us, it would be like having sex with my brother!

Dominion · 21/11/2008 12:12

I would value a man who has the ability to be friends with a woman and care for her from a friendly perspective very highly. He has empathy. That is important.

Or do you really think he would latch on to his best friends girlfriend when she was on the rebound? Has he so little tact and awareness that he would upset his friend by coming onto his "just about" ex?

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