Am I overreacting?

[cluttered]

I don't know whether I am overreacting to this incident as DP claims or not, please give me some advice! Two nights ago DS1(9) was looking for a piece of homework he had been doing with DP before I got home from work and was getting into a right state about how he had to have it the next morning. He then started accusing DP of having lost it, and shouting that it was all his fault that he would get in trouble with the teacher the next day. DP was upstairs trying to get DS2 (5) to sleep and yelled down that that wasn't true, DS1 had been the last to have it. DS1 then yelled up at him "Shut up!". I had been trying to get DS1 to calm down and telling him that he was behaving unacceptably in losing his temper like this, but upon hearing this DP came storming downstairs in an absolute rage and pursued DS1, who was very afraid, into his bedroom. I managed to get between them and was pleading with DP to leave him, that he was losing it and overreacting, but he pushed me out of the way against the wall and followed DS1 up the stairs to his top bunk bed and screamed at him not to ever speak to him like that again.

I tried to talk to him about it the next day after things were calmer but he doesn't see that he did anything wrong. He says that there are two sides to it and that I need to see that my taking DS1's side against him is causing problems in our relationship, we can't just discuss this incident in isolation. I just feel scared of him and DS1 is too, OK he has never hit us but all I did was try to stand in the way to stop him getting to DS1, I didn't shout or use any aggressive behaviour and I did get bruised. He won't even say he is sorry he hurt me, all he will say is that he regrets I was bruised by what happened but that he has a right to go where he wants in his own house! I don't want to take sides with DS1 against him but don't want DS1 to have my experience, where my father verbally abused me and my mother never stood up for me, recently when I asked her about this she says she thought parents shouldn't argue in front of children!

It sounds rather like your DP lost control of his temper in a similar manner to your DS, so perhaps you are not over-reacting entirely.

The situation sounds a little fraught though, and it doesn't sound like a one-off - is there more to this? Do they not get on generally?

Im assuming your DP is your DS's father? If so then you have been together for some time as your eldest is 9, so is this not normal behaviour?

sounds like he feels powerless, this is not to excuse his behaviour in anyway shape or form,but i do think that you need to sit down and agre a cohesive joined up strategy of dealing with the children.

Yes we have been together for 14 years and he has always had a bad temper. When we first lived together there was a bad period when I felt like I was living on a knife edge, the smallest most innocuous comment would set him off in a rage, just verbal not ever physical violence, and I gave him an ultimatum and he went to Anger Management Counselling.

Things did improve for ages but now that DS1 is getting older and is a bit mouthy I am just concerned that everything will flare up again. DP does not see any contradiction in complaining that DS1 can't control his temper while thinking that his own reactions are completely reasonable. I just think that this will not be the first time that DS1 behaves like this with the teenage years looming and that he (DP) needs to behave more maturely as the adult in this situation. But perhaps it is good in that it shows that DS1 cannot be too afraid of him otherwise he wouldn't be standing up to him like this. I don't think either of us thinks DP will be physically violent but he (DP) was so enraged the other day, I am disappointed that he won't apologise. I know if I ever completely lost my temper like that with anybody I would feel terrible!

Ha, well he can't expect your DS to learn to control his temper when he has the example of his father singularly failing to control his own temper to observe! Surely your DP can understand that? Aim him at the recent anti-smoking adverts, where they show that children like to copy their parents - maybe he'll "get it" then.

I also would be concerned that this will only escalate as your DS heads nearer to his teens.

Seems to me that your son has learned how to manage his temper from his father!

Your DP will need to learn a different way of managing his anger if you're going to survive the boy's teenage years...