A Problem I want to address before the wedding.

[Naive]

DP and I are very much in love. We have a 7 month old DC and we are getting married soon.

We used to have sex literally constantly. We spent days in bed just chatting and sex. Then I got pregnant and he loves me very much but he wouldn't have sex as he said it felt too weird with me being pregnant.

DC came along and he's the perfect dad, the perfect DP and we're a great family.

However, he's still not interested in sex. He's always too tired or whatever.

Yet he's been like a shag-aholic in his past! So why not now?

I've tried so many times and been rejected, particularly when I was pregnant, that I've given up. Yet he moans that I never come on to him anymore if I try to raise the issue. Last time he tried it on was probably before I was pregnant. Now it's like every now and again I just say 'can we have sex tonight?' (rather than just try it, for fear of more rejection) and he'll go 'we'll see' and then we don't. Or he does it begrudingly, doesn't put any effort in, expects me to do foreplay but won't touch me even if I move his hand, he just pulls away. Yet our sex life used to be amazing.

He always says as soon as we get a new bed (our is well and truly nackered and wakes the baby if we so much as breathe) we'll be at it every chance we get. Yet there's the sofa or whatever so what's the problem?

I've tried to talk to him about it but he gets all defensive or insulted, or puts it on to me.

I have very low self esteem as my body's a state since having the baby.

He's still interested in porn but he just doesn't seem to want to touch me or anything. I worry all the magic's gone for him.

I love him to bits, and this isn't me bitching. He says we'll never split up and he worries in case I ever want us to split up so it's not like he's gone off me so to speak, but I want to know I'm fulfilling his every need iyswim. I just really want someone to analyse the situation and try and help me get some perspective as I'm confused.

Also, I really love sex and will have it anytime and he knows it.

It bothers me that he's had sex with a lot of people in the past before we got together, yet he doesn't seem to want it with me.

P.s I've name changed for this, obviously.

Some men do just get freaked out by the birth or breastfeeding.

I could sort of handle that but he said that's not a problem at all. I don't even know if he knows why he's not interested.

Have you talked to him about it I mean really talked ?

I've tried, but it's difficult as I don't want to hear something awful.

I mean what should I ask him?

I've asked him why not. I've set time aside to try to talk about it but he insists on blaming the bed. Before that it was work and being tired etc.

Sometime we hve to hear things we don't like in order to move forward.

Is he worried about the wedding.

Is the baby in with you ? Maybe he is woried about baby hearing you.

Like when they think they'll hurt the baby if they have sex with you when pregnant.

Are you still breast-feeding? This can be off-putting for some men and they might avoid this area, IYSWIM, but to not have sex at all? That's not good. I would not be at all happy with this situation and it would make me feel insecure about his feelings towards me. He is still a sexual person - using porn, etc, but you're not part of that at the moment. I don't have any advice about what you should do though, except talk to him some more. You are not housemates, you are partners, and that includes sex.

He like talks about stuff he wants us to do, but doesn't do it. I'm getting quite out of practice. I wonder if it's coz I'm less enthused than I used to be. We have sex about twice a month and we have a few drinks before hand. Well we have cosy nights in together where we watch dvds and have a couple of glasses of wine and pizza and sometimes this leads to sex.

I'm not bfing. Baby is in his own cot in with us but we have sex downstairs anyway.

Mind you, he has been asking if we can put baby in his own room.

I would move the baby, lack of sex can put a lot of pressure on a relationship and you baby needs happy parents.

Maybe he is just nervous or sex in same room as baby.

When he has had a glass of wine he can relax a little.

I think I'm just scared things won't improve and then there'll be no more excuses. How can I make him want to spontaneously touch me or stop pulling away?

I've got a four month old DD and me and DH have been a bit like this too. We had a talk about it and he said it was becuase he saw me as a mother instead of his sexy other half, and he feels he feels a bit different about who he is too since becoming a parent.

He's maybe just coming to terms with your lives changing a bit (if this is your 1st Dc). Maybe he feels weird having sex with a baby around? If you weren't having sex when you were pregnant maybe not doing it has become habit. I would try talking but without it sounding like its all his fault, maybe along the lines of "we've really got out of the habit of having sex, wonder what we can do to get things started again... what would work for you?.." and hope he doesn't come up with anything too weird

Baby sitter could be your answer.

cinnamon that's a really good idea! I'm going to try it tomorrow night.

He did say 'we can't have sex all the time, we're grown ups now. This is what married life is. We're parents'.

Also, I asked him to send me dirty txts as I thought that way he has time to think what to say. But it never happened.

I think you're going to have to be brave and really discuss this with him. I don't think it is going to get better on it's own.

I think you should tell him what is in your OP.

Could you maybe find a way of exercising to help build your self esteem? I bet you don't look half as bad as you think you do. Doing something positive to make you feel fitter or more attractive might help the situation. For sure if I start trying to lose weight or tone up my DH sees it as a sign that I am after a younger model and he soon makes sure I have all I want from him.

i think it is so easy for the lust to get lost in the transition from sex mad bf/gf's to parents and we as the girls stuck in the middle of all of this sometimes forget that the men sometimes change the way they see us. my DH was very sex mad (as was i) before we had DD but since she was born the way we see each other has changed as we are now mummy and daddy and not just E & S
dont get me wrong we have our moments but it is now usually scheduled so either we dont wake DD up or when she stays out so any romance or spontanaeity has all but dissappeared
maybe sit him down and talk about it at a 'safe' sex free time.
book a night away at a B&B and have a night to get to know eachother again.
remember just because you now see your body differently he more than likely still sees you as a goddess and more so now that you have become the mother of his child.
if you are getting married soon it is best to work through this before the wedding as if it left until afterwards then you will start to resent it and create a barrier between the two of you which will just get bigger. nip it in the bud and get him to nip you in yours
xx ei xx