Hubby Issues

[Brewster]

Hi,
My huband and I have been together for over 4 years, married for 1.
We have a 4 month old son.
We have our differences - I am very emotional and sensitive and he is unemotional and less affectionate.
We have not made love since we found out I was pregnant so that is now over a year ago...
We seem to hardly ever cuddle anymore and what with the baby, work, the house, our 2 dogs etc we dont seem to have much time for each other.
we seem to be at a point where we are just 2 people living together. I still find him attractive but neither of us have any sex drive...it would be embarrassing after so long (i feel.) we dont kiss except pecks.

There are things he has done through the years that have upset me so much that I find it hard to forgive him for.... I am not good at forgiving anyone (other people have been cut out of my life for hurting me )
I guess the answer is to make a huge effort with each oter but I dunno where to find the 'umpph' to do it.
It feels weird to kiss or touch each other (for me), I dont feel at all attractive, I am kinda angry at him alot of the time and dont know how t o get past these things...

anyone had any experince with any of these things?

x

split up now, while your chld is too young to know what's going on. Don't leave it until it's hard for him too.

sorry if that sounds 'anti-marriage'. Advising you to give up. but you say you feel angry with him, can't forgive him, it would be weired to have sex with him. he doesn't make you feel attractive. And you didj't mention love.

People are so terrified of being single. It is far far better than being in an unfulfilling or false relationship. It really is. Single gets bad press imo. I bet you'd be happier if you just split up.

Brewster, you are stuck in a rut. It happens to a lot of us and you can get over it.

You both need to talk how you both are feeling. I presume you both want the marriage to work. I know where you come from with house, work, dog, kids (especially young family)but if something is important to you, you will and can find time. It can feel a bit strange showing emotion after a period of abstinence but it can be done. Lots have MNers have been there.

Maybe some counselling would help you to find out why you are angry with him and how to get over it constructively.

Have a nice meal together even if it's just the £10 promo from M&S, chat, and really listen to each other.

Good luck to you both and pls make the effort. x

Whilst I agree with TNM that being single is better than being in a bad relationship for most people it probably isn't like that for everyone at every stage in their lives.

What made you marry him a year ago? Would you be happy if you could get back to those feelings or not?

Newsmonger that's a bit drastic. And splitting up is dreadful and a last resort unless you are in a violent relationship or similar. We don't know what Brewster is angry about, it could be something quite minor but appear a big problem to her.

Four months is still quite recent after birth and your hormones (and therefore sex drive) may be low esp if you are breast feeding. We didn't get anything like back to normal until DS was well over a year old.

Having a child is a huge shock to the system and so tiring for both of you, I wouldn't rush into anything yet.

The stuff which is "hard to forgive" sounds more serious but again neither of you may have the best perspective on this with a young baby on your hands. Good luck.

Brewster have you discussed all this with DH? You need to find out how he feels about all of it. It may be that he is OK about the lack of intimcay and understands etc, he may think you have gone off him, he may want more and not know how to say etc etc etc.

The first thing really is to ask him how he is and tell him how you feel.

It is very usual to lose intimacy for a while (often quite a while) after a baby and I think how couples deal with it depends on how well they communicate.

As for putting an effort in etc. if you both decide that you need to perk things up then you both need to make the effort. Don't feel that it all has to come from you.

I do love him and the thought of splitting up horrifies me - I want to be with him I really do
We both wnat to make it work and in the past we have tired for a while then it all just went back to how it was...

The things I am finding hard to forgive are these..
In typical make fashion he seemed to show no interest in the wedding planning and started to get annoyed at me when I 'went on about it!'

He wasnt as 'helpful' as I would have hoped during the prgnancy, ie with house work the dogs etc. getting tearful at the end when was fed up with the pain and such.

He was AMAZING at the birth and I couldnt have managed without him but after wards he just seemed pissed off at me for ages.
Granted my Mother did stayed iwth us for a month to help out as I had a very hard time adjusting and was crying a lot and was just very terrified and emotional for the first 3 weeks.
He wasnt very supportive with the breastfeeding issues I had yet he wanted me to keep breastfeeding. He made me feel terribley guilty and awful when I made the decsion at 6 weeks to give the baby formula instead.
He didnt seem to understand or care about me issues with the brastfeeding ( i have a history of a lot of body image issues and found the whole process very stressful, depressing and embarrassing - and cos of these feelings I was not bonding with the baby).
He works a full day at the office and then comes home to work on his own comapnies that dont seem to be making any morney.... this means he doesnt spend much time with us and I feel I cant ask hin to help around the house as he is always 'working'.

Brewster, its important to bear in mind that alot of what you describe is completely normal as you all adjust to the new dynamics in your relationship and work out what your family is. You need to rediscover each other as adults and lovers rather than just as housemates and coparents.

Counselling may help but so will time for the two of you. Either a night out every so often or just a couple of hours in the day to go out together for coffee. Is there anyone you could ask to babysit? You definitely need to open up the lines of communication, yuo might be surprised by how your DH is feeling too - I certainly was. We came through much of this, now have 2 kids and our feelings for each other having worked through it all are sooooo much deeper and more respectful than I could every have imagined. Well worth the heartache, tears and effort to get here.

Far from giving up at the first hurdle as it were perhaps you could see it as an opportunity to build something strong and wonderful together.

Also theres no need to rush back into a full physical relationship either but you do need to discuss it. Talking and being honest I do believe is the key.

hope that helps

how did you get back on track?we do talk about the problems but after a few days the ideas we had to sort them out seem to go out the window...

My parents live abroad and hisover an hour away and seem to only want him on sundays...

I dont feel happy leaving the baby with anyone else yet.

I just often feel like I have to 'protect' myself from him incase he hurts me again... you know.

Thats fair enough, can you make time in the evening after bub is in bed - sounds twee but get a nice ready meal in and curl up together on the sofa.

We found that we needed to keep talking, keep being honest and keep reminding each other of things we'd agreed. The problems came back if/when we let things cruise and 'expected' each other to remember that effort was required.

Start small, set up routines that take the pressure off both of you - I cook tea, DH clears up while I get play with the boys then we both do bath and bedtime. Make yourself show affection - sounds odd but after a period of abstinence it does become stilted and weird, once you're back into the swing of it so to speak it does start to come natural again. Tell each other you love each other - assuming you do - its amazing what a confidence boost that is.

Going to go have some dinner now but will check back in later or tomorow if you ahve more questions - I do hope its helping

Pheebe thank you so much.

Hubby just came in and I decided to show him all of this.
He thanked me and we have had a good talk.
Now he knows the things I have found hard to deal with and has apologised.
We will take it slow but try hard...

Night night
x

four months after baby is not really surprising that you don't have much sex drive.

having a baby is bloody hard work and i would say that you probably have enough on your plate looking after your baby without sorting your relationship out. put it on the back burner and work together at supporting each other to care for the baby.

my ds is 9 mths and my dh sleeps in the dining room every night, and i don't want to have sex with him anyway cos i'm too tired and i really fancy him!

Bienchen, I am genuinely saddened by the amount of people who stay unhappy in a dysfunctional relationship. That is what makes me

Especially as the OP has the opportunity to leave before her son knows what's going on.

Society is far too couple-centric. So many people make themselves unhappy in the mistaken belief that they must fit in. I was like that for about 3 yrs. So I guess I'm a bit evangelical about leaving unhappy relationships. I want everybody to do it. It's a bit like having a baby. Everybody tells you it's great yada yada. bUt until you've been there you don't know. And leaving an unhappy relationship was the same for me. I'd read it in self help books, magazines, from friends, on internet forums, but I didn't really believe it.

Newsmonger - we have hit a rough patch and are in a rut that doesnt mean the realtionship is over or is likely to become 'dead'.
We have to work at it and realise why we fell in love in the first place - it will take time but by no means is it a dysfunctional relationship.
as the others on this thread have said - we have just had ababy and our world has been turned upside down... it will take a while to adjust and find out where we all fit in together as a family.

Brewster, thats great news, I'm so pleased for you. Keep talking, keep the affection up and enjoy your new family

Newsmonger - felt I had to respond in some way. I find it sad that anyone would advocate giving up so easily. Clearly its worked for you and I'm glad you're happy BUT I am living proof that post-baby 'issues' are very much worth working on and not immediate grounds for giving up and splitting up. We struggled, we were unhappy, we weren't intimate but we talked, worked made the effort and our relationship has changed beyond belief, far better, more intimate and more honest than prebabies. While for some couples breaking up and moving on to a coparenting relationship will be the answer, I do think couples owe it to one another and to the children (probably controversially) to make the effort to make the close family relationship work before just giving up.

Brewster, great news. It took some courage to show the posts to DH as you could not know how he would react. It shows that you do trust him.

Pheebe, thanks for the positive support. That's what Mn stands for.

NM - I don't think Brewster's marriage is dysfunctional. They are going through a period of change and yes, if they don't manage to sort out the current issues they may end up with a dysfunctional relationship but they clearly want to work things out and look for ways to do so. I have been a single parent for about 10 years before I met up DH and we had another baby 20 months ago, so I can relate to both your point of view and Brewster's.

Thanks everyone.
we had a good chat and even our first 'snog' hehehe.
Things are going good and we nned to keep up the effort.
we said we will now eat dinner at the table instead of infront of the TV to have a chat.
we had a bath together the other night and had a good chat... we rae getting there.
we both have body issues at the moment so we rae both working on getting backinto shape which will help our confidence i think.

Our son is amazing and we have so much love in this little family we have made - we will make it work.

Cheers
xx

OOO snogging, yes, nearly forgot that. Can be soooo much more intimate even than sex I find....

Glad you're getting back on track