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Original poster

fed up

7 replies

belfast2000 · 15/11/2008 15:35

bit of a long one but anyway here goes

my husband is a bit of a drinker and it cracks me up because his mum was an alcoholic and died at 51 and i worry because he also had a very addictive personality has gambled etc in the past.
i came home from work last nite bout 10.40 and he was pissed the kids were in bed but thats not the point, anyway a full scale row started and i told him to get out which he did today , when he drinks spirits he gets nasty although my tongue is too sharp too when we row.
dont get me wrong he isnt pissed from am to pm he works but if he is off he doesnt do without it, i just want him to be around for his kids and be a good dad, which he is most of the time.

i feel happy today that he has gone which makes me think then maybe just maybe i dont love him anymore I havent heard from him he has one family member or a friend who he could be staying with but i dont really care and i wont be getting in touch with him i have the kids so if he is interested in his kids at all he will text or phone to see how they are

we have had some mad rows before where violence has occured but i just cant be annoyed anymore my only concern is financially and having someone there to mind my kids when i work at night.

any advice?

OP posts:
missingtheaction · 15/11/2008 15:41

this doesn't sound like a marriage with anything to save

Original poster
belfast2000 · 15/11/2008 15:49

yeh i suppose i tend to agree, just need to take the step and get myself together on my own and my babies

i do love him and i always will because he is their dad but if i was to be pissed and the kids in bed i would be worst in the world i am sure mind u i dont drink when kids are at home full stop

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2008 15:53

I would agree that this is a marriage in name only.

Do you want him to leave for good by means of divorce or will you take him back again?. Again such situations are unsettling for children to be witness to - they pick up on all this and are perceptive to the rows and inherant alcoholism.

It sounds like your H has swapped one addictive behaviour for another - am not surprised really to read that his own Mother was alcoholic as such behaviours can be learnt from childhood.

Many women in these situations also end up as enablers to the alcoholic.

Can you get another job so you don't have to work at night?.

Original poster
belfast2000 · 15/11/2008 16:28

yes i think i do want him to leave for good, i do worry about the effects it has on the children and tbh i have an awful temper and sometimes its me that starts first (they r in bed) its out of concern but i dont want my kids to bury their father at 51 whether he is with me or someone else.

he is at times very caring and a great dad but i just dont understand why he cant enjoy a night without the booze?

maybe i am being irrational too

and yes ur right about swapping one addiction for another

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2008 19:51

"yes i think i do want him to leave for good, i do worry about the effects it has on the children and tbh i have an awful temper and sometimes its me that starts first (they r in bed) its out of concern but i dont want my kids to bury their father at 51 whether he is with me or someone else".

What is worse - being apart and perhaps happier because you are not all treading on eggshells or being with him and putting up with his alcoholism not to mention previous violence. You can show concern towards him but tbh it will make no difference to his behaviour. He has to want to change and at present he is showing no such will to change. There are no guarantees here; he may hit rock bottom and not have you all in his life and he could still carry on drinking. At the very least your children are picking up bad vibes between the pair of you. Not a legacy you really want to leave them. And they won;t thank you either for staying with him, as adults they could well accuse you of actually putting him before them.

"he is at times very caring and a great dad but i just dont understand why he cant enjoy a night without the booze?"

Because he is an alcoholic this is why.
When has he ever been a great Dad to your children?. Be honest with yourself here. They have seen his gambling addition, violence within the home and now he has an alcohol problem. He is patently not a good Dad to them nor a good husband to you.

"Because he has an addictive personality - he has switched one destructive behaviour for another".

Exactly.

You cannot save or rescue someone who ultiamtely does not want to be saved. Like many women as well you continue to enable him.

You should get in touch with Al-anon as they can help family members of problem drinkers.

maybe i am being irrational too

and yes ur right about swapping one addiction for another

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2008 19:51

"yes i think i do want him to leave for good, i do worry about the effects it has on the children and tbh i have an awful temper and sometimes its me that starts first (they r in bed) its out of concern but i dont want my kids to bury their father at 51 whether he is with me or someone else".

What is worse - being apart and perhaps happier because you are not all treading on eggshells or being with him and putting up with his alcoholism not to mention previous violence. You can show concern towards him but tbh it will make no difference to his behaviour. He has to want to change and at present he is showing no such will to change. There are no guarantees here; he may hit rock bottom and not have you all in his life and he could still carry on drinking. At the very least your children are picking up bad vibes between the pair of you. Not a legacy you really want to leave them. And they won;t thank you either for staying with him, as adults they could well accuse you of actually putting him before them.

"he is at times very caring and a great dad but i just dont understand why he cant enjoy a night without the booze?"

Because he is an alcoholic this is why.
When has he ever been a great Dad to your children?. Be honest with yourself here. They have seen his gambling addition, violence within the home and now he has an alcohol problem. He is patently not a good Dad to them nor a good husband to you.

"Because he has an addictive personality - he has switched one destructive behaviour for another".

Exactly.

You cannot save or rescue someone who ultiamtely does not want to be saved. Like many women as well you continue to enable him.

You should get in touch with Al-anon as they can help family members of problem drinkers.

maybe i am being irrational too

and yes ur right about swapping one addiction for another

Original poster
belfast2000 · 15/11/2008 20:13

thanks for ur view on it , its good to hear what other people advice

hand on heart he is a good dad and i mean that, he takes them out to the park and the beach, he lets me have a lie in and looks after them, does plenty for them.

i am not a drinker and i suppose i dont understand the big deal now i am not t total there is a time and place, my kids r my life.

the days he is off he doesnt drink all day/night and infact he stayed of it for 2 weeks after a challenge really.

he hasnt been in touch and that annoys me even to just ask for the kids, so i guess he is on the piss somewhere

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