Help please- Me, DS and DH- what's your take on this?

[muminapickle]

Need some help please...confused.

My son and I have always rowed a lot- he is now 22 and back home after 4 yrs at uni - he is working but it is a temp job until he gets a grad job. Travels to work with DH.

The background:

When he was younger we had a terrible time - or I did. he is very bright but also ADHD and from when he was tiny I had to be very strict with him for his own safety a lot of the time and he was very badly behaved at home- used to give his younger sister hell out of jealousy. I was suicidal at times as DH worked long hours, was overseas at times and I was a SAHM.

My long standing complaint was that DH never knew what was going on some of the time as he wasn't here- and when he was, he was more tolerant etc etc.

I simply felt he didn't back me up enough and this is still the issue.

Since my son has been home, we have had several major rows- over nothing- this time I was telling him he should go to the drs as he has got a problem with his hearing- he exploded- literally- calling me a F...ing moron etc and what did I know about it. ( obviously touched a nerve!) This grew into an almighty row and I told him he had to leave and get a flat within a month. I was very very upset- I felt sick all evening and was so depressed that he behaves like this even now.

When DH came home I told him what happened and he went to "talk to him". I don't know what was said- probably just "don't do this ...not acceptable....etc".

Since then, they have been the best of pals again, whereas I feel completely exhausted and hurt. I haven't spoken to my son except for the bare minimum of what needs to be said . He hasn't apologised, and tries to start conversations with me as if nothing has happened.

My question is- shouldn't DH be more supportive to me, by not carrying on with DS as if nothing happened? Shouldn't he make him apologise- or back me up on him having to move out? This has been a constant theme all our marriage- I get it in the neck from DS, tell DH who has a chat with him ( DH is a very gentle, placid person), they get n well as if nothing has happened, and I feel hurt, angry and left out.

It is destroying my marriage and I just want out of the whole horrible situation.

have I got a warped take on it all?

bump for you

I don't know, but hope someone can help you soon

my dcs younger, I have no experience,sorry

Have you raised this with your DH?

My first step would be to address the issue through a discussion with him and tell him in as calm a way as possible how it makes you feel. Ask him to back you up and give him concrete ways in which to do this. Ensure you know exactly what it is you want before you talk to DH and what you want to ask him for in terms of support.

Your Dh needs to back you up, and if your DS knows that his father will always take his side against you, then this makes for an odd dynamic as he will never take anything you say seriously. He doesn't feel as if he has to apologise for his behaviour as his other parent has been seen to sanction it, IYSWIM. You have issues with your DS that I do not feel in any way qualified to comment on, but with regard to your DH, you need to have serious words. Maybe he feels that you should be dealing with it in a different way, and if this is the case, then he needs to talk to you about it, not go behind your back and undermine you.

You sound like you need some support and that should be coming from your DH.

Poor you

Dh needs to support you and show DS that he is .

He should of told DS it is not acceptable to speak to you like that.

NOT think its o.k if it is just him that is getting on with DS thats o.k

Ds needs a dad not a mate in DH

I agree- the trouble is, I have said all of this to DH already and he says that he HAS spoken to him!

Last night, DS was talking to us about going abroad for a few days after Xmas. I asked him how he could afford it- as he owes us a lot of money that we have loaned him for his Masters degree- and he is also SUPPOSED TO BE SAVING A DEPOSIT FOR A FLAT TO RENT! (I said he had to move out after our row- this is the 3rd big row in 2 months and each time I have said he has to find his own place to live)

DH sat there saying nothing- no back up at all- no agreement that DS needs to be saving up, or even a gentle reminder that he needs to be looking at flats, not thinking about holidays.

Your DH is the biggest problem in this post, not your DS. By always playing at being best mates with DS he is undermining your authority and DS knows this and is using it to his advantage. It's not his fault thought because he's not the responsible adult in the situation, and until DH can fulfil the role properly there's always going to be problems. I was in a similar situation with my DH until I told him that if it continued, I would leave and take the DC as I wasn't going to be 'the bad guy' any more. His parenting/discipling (sp?) skills improved dramatically- and do you know what? So did my DS's behaviour! You've got to do something similar.

Do you think it could be the case that your Dh didn't say anything when you were talking about flats as maybe he has talked to your DS and said he could take his time finding his own place? Maybe he is reluctant to speak out otherwise your DS will point out what has been said?

If you have told him to move out, then you must stick to that, otherwise he will continue to treat you like shit when no threats are followed up on. I would avoid lectures about money and keep it simple. He has to move out, beyond that you don't give a toss what he does with his money.

I would say it is unlikely that you would get that masters money back though.

Your Dh needs a kick up the bum.