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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do if your DH did this?

25 replies

unnamed · 15/11/2008 08:20

I have named changed but am a regular.

When I was about 6 there was one occasion where my brother had sexually abused me.

I have dealt with this and have moved on and forgiven my brother.

My thing is every time my DH has a few drinks he throws this part of my life in my face to hurt me. It happened last night and is about the 10th time in 5yrs. Unsure what to do as it is so hurtful and I feel he is a scum bag for even daring to bring this up.

Help will be much appreicated

OP posts:

thesockmonsterofdoom · 15/11/2008 08:25

I would tell him in the cold light of day that it is not acceptable and if he ever does it again he will be packing his bags tbh.

Original poster

unnamed · 15/11/2008 08:27

I have done that in the past and now have told him to go and said I would call him tomorrow and tell him if I want him back or not.

OP posts:

AttillaTheHan · 15/11/2008 08:30

I agree with sockmonster, he has got to know in no uncertain terms that what he did is unforgivable, especially as this is not the first time.
Would it be worth trying to find out why he brings it up? Does he do it in a spiteful way/ jokey way / feeling sad for you kind of way?
I guess it would possibly help things if you knew his motivation for bringing it up and then you could try to set him straight so that he doesn't need to bring it up again IYSWIM.

Original poster

unnamed · 15/11/2008 08:35

He does it in a spiteful way, if I Pee him off he then starts throwing it my face with venim (?sp)

Have tried asking why he does it but he doesn't know.

OP posts:

AttillaTheHan · 15/11/2008 08:37

Well then IMO unless he can give you an explanantion so that you can try to work through it then he deserves to be chucked out. Seeing as this has happened several times before I think you have suffered enough.

hecate · 15/11/2008 08:38

I know why he does it. It is very simple.

He does it to hurt you.

At that moment in time, he wants to hurt you and he knows that is the worst pain he can inflict.

ShowOfHands · 15/11/2008 08:51

You don't need me to tell you that this is a terrible and cruel thing for him to do. That much is obvious. What is unclear is why he does it.

Is he ever cruel at other times? Does alcohol make him this way? How is your relationship?

If this is only one thing in an otherwise healthy and happy marriage, I think he needs a little help. It can be very difficult for a partner to understand and accept abuse. He may have unresolved feelings towards it. A visceral reaction from him about your brother can be very understandable and while he may disguise it otherwise, alcohol may be bringing it out. I know you have moved on but he perhaps needs a little guidance in how to manage this.

Original poster

unnamed · 15/11/2008 08:55

Showofhands I think you have hit the nail on the head. I think he does find it hard to accept it but I have said to him to see a counsellor and my sis has even offered to talk to him about it.

This is the only thing that really rocks our marriage, we are otherwise pretty happy. This just hurts so much and he doesn't seem to want to do anything to stop it or help him along from it.

OP posts:

twoluvlykids · 15/11/2008 08:56

Agree with ShowOfHands - think men have trouble accepting abuse of their partner, even if they weren't there & it's all in the past.

I think it affects their feeling of needing to protect - well, that's my theory and my conclusions I've come to over the years, but it might be that it's different for your dh.

Ultimately, no-one can ever know what goes on in other people's heads, it would be great if we could!

Sorry for your worries and troubles, unnamed.

Buda · 15/11/2008 08:59

How does he interact with your brother generally?

It sounds like he does need some form of counselling to deal with how he feels about. Or anger management of some sort - as Hecate says it is the one thing guaranteed to hurt you so he does it.

A thought - what would happen if you ignored him when he said it I wonder? He does it to get a reaction - I wonder what not giving him the reaction would do.

littleboyblue · 15/11/2008 09:01

How awful for you. Reading this, I initially thought, kick the scumbag out, but reading through and reading ShowOfHands I have to agree. I saw something on Jeremy Kyle about abuse, and this womans husband was saying that although he didn't know her when she was a child and was being abused by step-father, he still felt guilty that he couldn't protect her. Maybe it's something similar to that. You definately need to talk to him again though, no matter how he feels about it, no one can expect you to have to relive this everytime he has a drink.

ShowOfHands · 15/11/2008 09:05

It's such a complicated thing that he may not want to confront it. His feelings of disgust/revulsion/anger on hearing of such a thing happening to the person he loves and cares for most would usually be directed at the perpetrator. As you have forgiven your brother and I presume he has to spend time with this man and 'pretend' then there is nowhere for him to channel his feelings.

I have little advice but much sympathy. I don't think your sister is the person for him to talk to, too close. If he can't talk to you about it and try and vocalise what the problem is then he owes it to you and your marriage to speak to somebody like a counsellor.

Original poster

unnamed · 15/11/2008 09:11

DH is fine around my brother and he can't understand how such a nice bloke could do something like that.

My brother was only about 11 or 12 so was a child himself. I don't want to go into the whole story again as it's hard to put in writing.

You have all been great with your advice, thanks so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

unnamed · 15/11/2008 09:11

DH is fine around my brother and he can't understand how such a nice bloke could do something like that.

My brother was only about 11 or 12 so was a child himself. I don't want to go into the whole story again as it's hard to put in writing.

You have all been great with your advice, thanks so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

unnamed · 15/11/2008 09:14

Sorry if I am not making a lot of sense this morning but my head is all over the place

OP posts:

blinks · 15/11/2008 15:55

does your DH have a problem with alcohol?

Original poster

unnamed · 15/11/2008 17:11

Blinks no he hasn't, he gets drunk on the odd occasion and don't drink that much at any other time.

OP posts:

blinks · 15/11/2008 21:26

what kind of thing does he say? is he belligerent generally on these occasions?

ActingNormal · 15/11/2008 21:55

When he is spiteful about it is he saying it was your fault? (which it most definitely was not). The things ShowOfHands said have made me think. I think the answers are in what she said somewhere.

It must really hurt you when he does it and I wonder if he realises how much when he never experienced it. It sounds like when he says things he is only thinking about the anger he feels, either towards you, or about it (which one do you think, or both?). Does he seem like he is deliberately using it to hurt you (which I would find very hard to forgive) or venting his feelings about it (which would be easier to forgive but it is still a very shitty thing to do).

Original poster

unnamed · 16/11/2008 05:22

It's like if I have up set him he will then say your fucking brother raped and you forgave him, then say I am fucked up and then start about how much he would like to cut my brothers throat. He does say more about hurting my brother

It doesn't sound that bad when writing it but its also the way he says it, with so much hate and also almost splits the words at me. I know it is because he is angry about it but he brings it up like this to upset and hurt me.

He never just talks to me about it when sober and only starts the comments when I have said something he doesn't like

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 16/11/2008 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blinks · 16/11/2008 16:28

sounds twisted... why anyone who loves someone would throw that in their face is beyond me.

i think either way you look at it- it's unbelievably hurtful and shitty.

if he needs help understanding what happened to you and your reasoning for forgiveness, he should be mature enough to ask and/or seek counselling/guidance on the subject of sexual abuse.

i would find this behaviour incredibly hard to forgive...

citronella · 16/11/2008 16:38

I agree with MadamDeathstare.
What I don't agree with is that because he is drunk makes his behaviour more explainable or understable. IMO it makes it worse.

It is a very very cruel way to hurt you.

Can I ask if you are both happy in your sexual relationship with each other?

ginnny · 16/11/2008 17:11

What is he like when he sobers up?
Is he apologetic?
Its a horrible spiteful thing to do, and being drunk is no excuse at all.

Simplysally · 16/11/2008 17:38

How awful for you - your DH, not your brother. Your childhood experiences should be left in the past but in a tiny way I can understand your DH's rage about it (if that is what is happening here) - but, and this is a big but, he knows it hurts you when he says it so that is a very good reason to stop saying it. Dragging it up to show you that you should move or to address his own feelings on the matter is wrong and it's really his problem to come to terms with it or not.

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