Another PIL thread! Maybe its the time of year...

[Sunflower100]

Pils are generally critical of various things dh and i do with dd. The first time they met her they said that i was 'holding her wrong' and mil was obsessed with my weight- asking me 3 times in the first 2 weeks whether I had 'got my figure back' (first time was the day after I gave birth)!
They are critical of the fact that she didn't sleep through until 5 months, that I didn't bottle feed and various other things repeatedly saying 'you didn't do that very well' if she cried when i put her down for a nap. I honestly don't think i have ever heard them saying anything nice about dd. Despite this we have seen them around every other weekend.
Most importantly I am also very concerned about dd's safety with them. They forget to strap her into the pushchair or high chair and balanced her on kitchen work surfaces when she was 5 months old (despite me shouting not to do so), letting her play near the top of a stair case and take a very relaxed attitide to her food allergies, for example placing a jar of mayonnaise within her reach when she has an egg allergy and forgetting what allergies she has and so almost giving her stawberry jam (shes allergic to strawberry). Consequently I am reluctant to leave her with them but have done on around 5 occasions (but never felt very relaxed about it).
DH has repeatedly dismissed my concerns saying they don't mean it and they are trying to help and I am sick of rowing with him about it so for the last 6 months or so have kind of bitten my tongue and let it all wash over me. DH is very non-confrontational particularly with his parents. I do worry that I can be over protective and discovering the food allergies did make me more so for a while. And I do end up doubting myself when we have spent time with in laws. However I think Im kind of in line with what other mums are doing and I happily leave dd at nursery, with my own mum and friends.
This has all come to a head because last week finally dh snapped when they said to dd for the hundreth time as they wiped her nose that it was a good job they went round as 'mummy doesn't bother blowing her nose' pils said that they felt things were tense (before we had dd we got on fine) and that they wanted to 'sort it out'. They said they didn't mind seeing less of us (oh Joy!!) but wanted to see more of dd on her own. Apparently the 4 of us are going to sit down to discuss all of this. So wise women what am I going to say? Im currently pregnant so generally pretty over emotional!

I wish I could say something useful, but can only comment that I would rather stick pins in my eyes than sit down to thrash it out while feeling pregnant and hormonal with a husband who doesn't appear to back me up. Can't you just say no, butt out? You are the mum here, you hold the cards, don't let them gang up on you and force you to some kind of summit meeting: you don't have to do anything you don't want to!

if your dd isn't safe with them and it sounds like she isn't, then i wouldn't leave her alone with them. your dh needs to tell them to back off and maybe all see less of them.

They are Grandparents, not parents as their DIL and mother of their DGD they should show you some respect, allow you to bring up your DC as you wish and stop being so negative.

It's hard enough being a Mom for the first time without people sniping and undermining you.

They prob don't realise they are doing it (I hope) and if you coud tactfully point out what has been said/done perhaps they will understand your point of view.

Er, it is not for them to say that they don't mind seeing you as long as you hand over DD She is your DD not theirs and if they want to see her they need to pull their bleeding finger out on health and safety, and they need to stop undermining her mother - especially in front of DD. Your DH may not like confrontation but he needs to back you up 100% as it is really not acceptable that your DD grows up in that atmosphere.

I agree with BitOfFun - don't let them force you into a conference. Just get DH to ring them and say that none of you are happy with the way they treat you and that they will be seeing less of all of you until it stops. It is his responsibility as they are his parents.

Did your DH consult you before saying the four of you would sit down and discuss it?

It sounds like you can't trust PIL to have your DD on her own, since they won't take her allergies seriously and seem determined to undermine you as parents. It is good that your DH snapped at them being so disrespectful to you, I don't think I could face that every other weekend.

Seeing less of you, that should have been..

In some ways Im glad for the opportunity to have some say in things as dh is much nicer about it all than me and genuinely seems to think they don't mean it so the phone call was all about how we are a bit neurotic with dd. However I feel as though I just may lose it with them.

I know dh should back me up more and it has caused so much upset between us but in almost every other way he is wonderful and I just can't keep arguing about it especially now Im pg and knackered!

In my own childhood there was so much conflict within the family I am determined to try and improve things but now I feel like I have been a doormat.

Stick to your guns. Don't give in to giving them time on their own with dd, they either see you all as a family or not at all. We made the mistake of agreeing that pil's would have ds for a considerable chunk of time at the weekend and whilst I don't worry for his safety our weekends are blighted as we can't make alternative plans without a fuss being kicked up. I actually don't look forward to the weekends because we don't feel like a "real" family.

Does it matter if they don't mean it? Their undermining is unacceptably rude - do you want your DD to grow up hearing you constantly put in your place and corrected? If they really don't mean to behave so badly it should be easier to point out that they are, and must stop.

FO have you considered changing the arrangement?

TPL - Yes when ds starts full time school in the new year we will make it clear that we want to spend more time as a family at the weekends. I don't expect I will be very popular!

Ah well, you'll get over it I imagine!

What is it with some grandparents? Both sets of DS GPs are really helpful and lovely and wouldn't dream of undermining us or trying to take over. I feel very lucky.

My PIL used to tell me what to do + I really resented it. They're a lot better now that my dc's are older, but the first time my dd stayed overnight with them she was just over 2 years old, + when we dropped her off they kept telling myself + dh to just sneak off without telling her, then there wouldn't be crying from her when we said we were leaving + they'd distract her with chocolate buttons!!

We said we wanted to say goodbye to her, otherwise how would she trust us again not to just disappear off behind her back?!

We said goodbye, hugged her + told her we'd see her in the morning. Of course she cried, but we managed to calm her before we left, surely a lot better than sneaking off! PIL were muttering about us but surely we're the parents so we decide how to handle things!

Sunflower, your MIL sounds very controlling of you + you need to tell her, at least then she'll realise how you feel as it may have just become a habit with her.

I can't believe they say they are happy to not see you and your DH but want her on her own.

As others have siad you need to sit down with your DH before the talk and agree what you will say. You need to explain that the reason you don't want them to have your DD on their own is because of your concerns over the way they do certain things.

Stayfrosty great post esp the bit about the grandchild factory

Erm - they undermine you and then sense a bad atomosphere (oh durr) that they want sorted out (bless them) on their terms (bloody cheek) which is to see less of the mother of the granchild and have granchild to themselves without you!

I had this with my mil who lives abroad who has tried to get my dh to take our then 15 month old out of the country to see her an dnot invite me. No way mate.

Not on - until you say it is on. And forget you don't trust them with your child -even if they are brill with your child they need to start respecting the mum first.

You and your dh need to lay down the law. And you dh needs to back you up. That's it. Very simple.

Your DH needs to back you up re his overbearing parents - his primary loyalty is (well it certainly should be) to you. He sounds like he's been conditioned over the years to accepting their behaviours as somehow "normal" when it is clearly not. His attempting to pour oil on troubled waters by saying to you, "they don't mean it" makes things worse.

I would think if there was a family conflab under these circumstances it could end up as 3 against 1. It also sounds like his parents are very much used to getting their own way and will pressure their son to take their side. At the very least your H would probably take their side because he is currently weak. He needs to be a lot firmer with his parents and both of you need to set clear guidelines re your DD.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Attila I would be very interested to know whether you have ever posted without recommending a book by Susan Forward? Is there any problem that woman can't solve? Has she written anything about toxic cats as mine is really getting on my nerves with the amount of fur she is shedding on my sofa?

(just being silly BTW - I know you give very sensible advice)

It sounds to me like they want to see your DD on their own because from their point of view when you are there you are being critical of them - sort of how you see it but the other way round. They probably think they can solve this little problem by cutting you out.

Unfortunately for them they have no say in whether they see her on their own, and they have to play by your rules if they want to see her at all. I don't know what is the best way to phrase it so it sinks in but I think it should come from your DH initially and then you back him up or they will disregard it as hormones or oversensitivity or something else.

You are not be over dramatic to worry about her safety and allergies and they need to realise this - has anyone sat down and explained the consequences to them because they may have that attitude that everyone is allergic these days and it just means Mum doesn't want them to eat whatever it is etc etc.

I'm always so sad when people have troubles like this because it is possible to have wonderful relationships between GPs and GCs and both parties are missing out here.