Issues with ILs (what a surprise!) - I don't like how they treat DS, it's tantamount to bullying!

[meredithland]

Hi- I am a regular but have decided to change my name as I'm starting to get a bit paranoid about being rumbled in real life! Anyway, we've got a bit of a situation and we could do with some advice on how best to handle it.

My in-laws have not really been involved much until recently after I had DS2 and they've recently started coming up for the day and taking DS out to the park or wherever. Which is a great help.

However, I have problems with how they treat DS1. In brief:

1. DS is only 27 months old, but when he talks FIL criticises him and corrects him, but not in a positive way, he's slightly derisive and it really pisses me off - he's only just learning, and if he says "kickit bat" instead of "cricket bat" I don't think he should be ridiculed.

1. FIL also harangues him to the point where it's virtually bullying. For example, when they came back from the park the other week he said the ducks hadn't got the bread, and then he asked DS "who got the bread??" DS didn't reply, so he asked him again, and again, getting more and more infuriated and his tone getting more aggressive. Poor DS sat there and his little face went as if he was in trouble and after unsuccessfully trying to steer FIL of the subject I had to tell him to stop in the end. This is just one example, he's always asking stupid questions, or making statements and repeating them ad nauseum.

1. If I tell DS off, or ask him to do something, they both pile in and suddenly there's a chorus of disapproval. E.g., if I say "please get off the sofa" they both start shouting "DOWN, GET DOWN, DON'T DO THAT" and it drives me mental. I'm the parent, I've got it covered, it's not the greatest problem in the world, and surely, the joy of being a grandparent is that you get to just enjoy the kids without having to be the big disciplinarian all the time?

1. They undermine me in front of DS. If I say it doesn't matter if he has his hood up or not (I choose my battles!) they totally ignore me and insist that he has to have it up. (Again, just one example.)

1. They make issues out of food where there aren't any. I do not tell DS he has to eat his dinner all up, and I don't give a shit whether he eats a banana before he eats his peas or whatever. DH and I both feel very strongly about this as we both spent hours as kids sitting at tables in front of cold food that we wouldn't eat and got bollocked for it and I won't have that for my kids. He's a very good eater but nevertheless they sit there and say "eat it all up" (even if it's a massive sandwich and he's eaten loads) and "clear your plate". What really winds me up is that even if I'm satisfied he's eaten fine and I ask him if he wants a yogurt, they then tell him he can't have a yogurt until he eats his lunch all up. It makes me fume, it's my house, he's my child and I don't give a shit what order he eats things in, and if I say he can have a yogurt he can bloody have one!

The problem is how to deal with this, because as much as I need the help, I don't need it at any price. I have tried first tactfully and subtly trying to stop them, and yesterday I actually said outright - twice - not to badger him about the food and I explained why, and they totally ignored me and carried on. DH has said he'll talk to them (as he's seen it, and also grew up with it!) but I think that's difficult as it looks like I've just been bitching to him. Which I have - but me addressing them doesn't work.

So what can we do to resolve this? I'm sure they mean well and think the world of DS, and if it was just small issues I'd overlook it, but some of them are quite fundamental and I won't let anyone bully or criticise my child for the sake of me getting a few hours of quiet. (Well, with the other baby, but it's all relative eh!)

keep telling them to stop.

get your husband to tell them as well, who cares if they think you are bitching?

You could always say something like "Look, I am sure this is not your intention, but you are upsetting my son and ignoring me when I ask you to stop, it is making me question whether you spending time with my son is the best thing for him. Please respect me as his mother, I don't want us to fall out over this, but I will not let this continue."

That sounds absolutely right, hecate. If they don't stop, meredith, you might have to restrict their access to ds1 - and tell them why.

What a difficult situation to have to cope with, though - you have my respect for keeping so calm and in control over it.

Agree with what hecate said!

don't see them. or see them infrequently.

get your dh to take them round to theirs, dont have them at yours.

What hecate said as well. Their behaviour is disrespectful towards your family unit.

These people need to be set clear and firm boundaries by yourselves. Your H also needs to talk to them in a firm but calm manner; shouting at them will make them just dig their heels in even further.

thank you for all the prompt advice!

Hecate - that does sound spot on, I think that's the way forward.

It's good to hear that I'm not just being PFB, or nitpicking, because historically we've never really got on. THey are, at best, socially gauche, and at worst downright rude. They rarely acknowledge me, even now.

I just know how much damage the food thing did to me as a child, and maybe I'm overcompensating in general but I don't want my kids having to deal with some of the crap I did growing up.

The in-laws did just come up for a brew once every few months in the past and we may have to go back to that if things don't change. The problem with the DCs going over there is that I want to keep my eye on them; if the ILs are that way in front of me, what are they like when I'm not there to keep a lid on it?

Sometimes you just have to be firm. My dad was a bit like this when i had my first child. I Probably didn't handle it as gently as i could have done, i would say things like, "it is nothing to do with you , it is not your place to dicipline him . I am his mother." i didn't really enjoy their visits because of his attitude, but i never let anything go without me challenging it. My son is almost grown up now and apart from one incident about two years ago my dad respects it is my house , my rules. When he said something unacceptable to my son two years ago i told him that i wanted him to have a good relationship with my children but that if he spoke to my son like that again he would not be visiting. I took him aside and told him this on a one to one basis.

if they won't listen then I would just ignore them and do things your way.

So if you've told ds he can have a yoghurt and they say he can't say very firmly, and loudly "ds, mummy has said you can have a yoghurt, here is your yoghurt,," then remove whatever it is he doesn't want to eat and replace it with the promised yoghurt.

Your house, your rules, take control.

If they are capable of treating your DS like that (I would have gone fucking mental at them if they spoke to DS like this) then I wouldn't let them spend any time with him on his own.

I would want to be there with him to stick up for him at all times.

I would limit contact or if you cannot do that, stick up for yourself and tell them they are pushing boundaries.

Meredith, this sounds INFURIATING! and very upsetting for your DS and you. You gotta feel sorry for your DH if he grew up with that! And their behaviour now must bring back memories for him. It sounds like you have stayed really calm and done the right thing by trying to talk to them reasonably but they just aren't listening! So if you are sharp with them now nobody can blame you. Maybe you could say something like "We have our own ways of bringing up our children which won't work so well if you keep interfering so please stop. It is our job to discipline our children not yours. Childrearing techniques have changed a lot since you first had children and some of the old ones are now not thought of as beneficial".

When my MIL was getting too interfering I said something like "That is not the way things are done anymore and all the modern research says that it is not good for the child to do that (whatever it was she was saying we should do, might have been potty training far too young)"

Yes, I would go with repeated 'Please don't do that/say that to him'.

And if they carry on, I would say, can I just have a word and get them in the hall - so not in front of your dc and say, please stop that, it's upsetting him. His behaviour is completely appropriate for his age.

And agree - you just go and get the yoghurt whatever.

Meredith, I have the same issues with my dp's. And tbh we have just made the decision that we will not visit as often - Its the only way I think

Have some stock phrases ready for them.

"It doesn't take all of us to tell him off; I will deal with it".

"Please don't undermine me in front of my son. If I say he can have his hood down, he can have it down".

"Don't be daft, of course he can have his yoghurt".

Don't let them get away with it - speak to them firmly and leave them in no doubt that you are in charge, not them.

thank you - really useful feedback. It's so difficult to have to be in the situation where you have to tell your husband's parents off! But I'll have to do it in a calm way before I really lose my rag. I was inches from grabbing their ears yesterday and screaming "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!", so probably best to deal with things calmly before I actually get to that point.

Liking the stock phrases.

Another suggestion: when they carry on haranguing about something you have said is OK, try 'PIL/MIL, didn't you hear me? I said it was OK for him to have a yoghurt.' If they don't answer, repeat 'Didn't you hear me?' until they do answer you. They'll probably either mumble something or say 'But he should clear his plate first', to which you can then say, 'I'm his mum and I've said it's OK for him to have a yoghurt'. Do this every time until they get the message.

This would drive me mad. I HATE it when I tell DS off and other people join in. I use the phrase 'mummy's in charge' a lot around MIL. When there is actual interfering or wittering about how things were for her children, I just say 'right, oh really... we don't do it like that'.

BTW - can I ask, who did get the bread?

lol misselizabethbennet - apparently a dog whisked it out of DS's hand and ate it, something that he was supposed to relate to me in fantastic prose, but he obviously fell short of FILs expectations.

Well, we've discussed it and found all the advice here very useful, and we're going to sit down and discuss it with them (I've told DH am not really happy to let them take DS again until we've got a few things straight.) We're thinking maybe face to face is better than a phone call? The worry now is that they will either think "screw you" and get all insulted about it, or that they'll pay lip service but carry on doing their thing when we're not there. (I don't think they like the idea of being "told off" by people a generation younger, especially as they raised two kids their way and all that.) Not sure quite how to handle it without putting their noses out of joint, but we're going to have to be fairly firm I think, as the softly softly approach has got me absolutely nowhere.

I'd make sure that you put them right in front of your DS. Letting your DS know that he has your full support will do wonders for his self esteem around them. Your DH should get them to back off and if they don't respect that, you'll both have to let them know why they don't get to see their GS so much any more....

Good luck meredithland.

Meredithland - bit worried about a dog whisking things from your dc's hand.

Surely the ILs should have seen the dog coming and done something?

There was a terrible terrible case where a dog nicked a lolly from a toddler but took his lower lip as well.

(They had the dog destroyed immediately and reattached the lip, but still...)

Jesus. Hadn't even thought of that angle twoluvlykids...