Am I EVER going to have a relationship with my sis or is the gap just too big? **LONG**

[shootfromthehip]

Right- context- Am the oldest of three, bro 2 yrs younger then sis 10 yrs younger. I left home at 16 when Dsis was 6. Have always felt that I am more of an Auntie to sis than sis IYSWIM. Our Dad was an alcoholic and after a long battle, died last year. Prior to that I always felt part of a tight unit- no extended family (DParents only children and GParents dead)so the 5 of us (inc. Mum) were very close despite alcoholism. However, when my Dad died the family seemed to split- me and mum and bro and sis. Despite the 8yr gap my bro and sis, both unmarried and childless, are very close. I was shocked to realise that my sis thinks that I am 'boring' as I don't go clubbing every weekend and am 'obsessed' with my kids (HELLO- they are 2 and 4- they need me, that is not obsession).

Sis only talks about herself/ boys and clothes. I'm not obsessed with anything, I'm just not interested as I'm not 21 anymore. This said, I do listen and try to be enthusiastic about her life. I don't measure up to DB (DJ in large town), and my kids are not an attraction (neither of them have EVER baby sat or come to visit unless it is one of the LO's birthdays and then it is only if it doesn't clash with anything else). My DB and I do talk on the phone a lot but DSis and I really don't have that kind of relationship.

She has recently gone away for 1 1/5 yrs and has written to both Mum and DB. She has not written to or emailed me despite me writing twice. Can't phone because of circumstances (hers not mine). Am I ever going to have a close relationship with her or is the gap too big? I am torn between waiting for her to be married and have kids so we have more in common and thinking that we will never be close.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Oh and I am jealous of their relationship btw

Can you ask your brother's advice?
Have you emailed her?

I feel that you might have to wait. My older sister has this problem with my younger sister and the more she pushes for a relationship the more my younger sister backs off.
Just need to make sure she knows you are there if she ever needs you and you would like to see more of her (in the way of little notes in cards when its her birthday etc).
Just my idea.
I would be jealous as well - I think that's normal.

I am close to my sister and she is 15 years older than me. Up until I was about 22 it felt more like she was a second mother or favourite auntie type figure. In the my late twenties we became more like sisters. I love big age gaps, sometimes when there is only a couple of years in between the siblings are more competitive and tend not to be close anyway.

I am quite a bit older than all my siblings. I don't think I was really close to any of them when we were younger but things improved when we became adults. Probably closest to the one who is 7 years younger than me - even though I was at university when she was still at primary school and had left our home country when she was still at secondary.

But I am probably least close to the one who is 11 years younger - like you I was more like a second mother than a sister to her, partly due to the age gap and partly due to having to look after her a lot as a teenager. But she is still at the stage of life where she has lots of holidays, stays up late, etc. Maybe if she ever settles down and has kids it will bring us closer together?

MotherFlippin, I think I am guilty of idealising. I loved my dad, I get on great with my Mum , my bro and I have our moments but normally get on ok but she and I are just really distant.

I do think that I come across as patronising sometimes, to give you an example she was slagging me for being sad for doing too much housework and I replyed with 'yeah and you will too when you're older- it's called having kids'. I seem to make these comments that rankle but we are also very similaar in temperament if not nature so we do clash a bit.

Scummy- emailed today- was reluctant to as she said she wanted paper letters so she could keep them. Am obviously being childish but I'm feeling left out and am hurt by it.

no personal experience (have no siblings) but my mum was 12 years older than her youngest sister. When her sis was young they weren't close, but once they were older (I mean when sis was in her 30s), they became closer. This lasted even when sis emigrated to Oz, mum and I went out to visit. She came back here to stay for a while when mum was dying of cancer, and now dad and I still keep in touch with her. My dad went out to see her in Oz last year.
So I would say yes, it's quite possible you'll be closer when she gets older.

You sound like me and my sister. She is thirteen years older than me. I was 20 (and had just moved to London when she got married). Her dd will be 14 this year.

I had no particular interest in my sister, and nor she in me. I never wrote to her, I never phoned her, I got news about her from my mum. We were in different stages of our lives.

When her dd was born, she had bad sciatica, and spd. I went down to spend a few weeks with her to help her out, as her dh was doing his doctorate and very busy. It brought us a little closer, but I still did not bother trying to keep in touch. My life was busy, boys, london, clubs, uni, you know.

Then I had my first baby, and my sister (with her then 7 year old dd) flew over to help ME out. They stayed a month. And that was it.

She is crazy in so many ways, we have a very ambivalent relationship. But I love her. And it is good.

Just be patient with your sister. Leave her to enjoy her youth and her life. She doesnt hate you, just be ready for her when she is ready.

Not exactly the same but DSD is only 14 years younger than me. She's more like a little sister than a daughter IYSWIM. We are close (have taken her our clubbing before she discovered she coould go with her mates ). And I'm hoping we will stay that way. I am afraid when she gets older and moves out that bond will go but will have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Similar my dds are 10 years and 14 years younger than DSD and at the moment she adores them as do they her. I'm hoping they will be close when they're older.

How old are you both. My sister is 9 yrs older and we had a similar relationship but me and brother (3yrs) were always close. This remained the same untill I was about 25 and had my own DC's and dare I say 'grew up'. Suddenly me and my sister had loads in common, she was/is a great help and we're now really close and go out together. My brother still hasn't grown up, has no kids and although we talk, we've drifted apart. Maybe you just need to wait till she catches up.