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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just want to bury my head in the sand about his possible (no, probable) affair

19 replies

nextsteps · 13/11/2008 11:23

I've just got a hunch that something is going on. He's working a bit later, going to the gym a bit more etc. etc. Last night and this morning, his phone rang and then bleeped and he didn't look at it, but made up some over-elaborate reason about who it could be and why they were calling. The LO started crying when he left this morning and wanted to wave to him through the window. As we looked out, and before he saw us, he was staring down at his mobile really intently and then tried to hide it when heard us....

Frankly, it wouldn't surprise me. We've got a very demanding 2 ¾ yr old. We both work full time but the bulk of childcare and other stuff falls to me, leaving me resentful, pissed off and not very loving. He's very handsome,(an ex catwalk model) Italian, charming, family orientated, but he likes to live in the sunshine, IFYKWIM - he basks in attention. Women have always liked/flirted with him, but it's never really bothered me, because I've always felt secure that he's happy with me. But now, TBH, he's not getting much attention and or sunshine from me, because I have a child to raise - it should be both of us, but he has a traditional Southern Italian background and he kind of feels/implies that the kid is my job.

I just don't want to know. Christ - that's so cowardly isn't it? But I can't bear it, I just want it to fucking go away. I don't want the conversation, I don't want to work on the relationship, I don't want tears and recriminations, I don't want to know that he was happy to screw me and the baby over for the sake of his bloody ego and I don't want my trust in us destroyed. But thats the way it's heading and I'm so, so sad and need to find courage from somewhere.

OP posts:

murphyslaw · 13/11/2008 11:27

you poor thing - you have to talk to him about this. Its not going to go away and you have the little one to think of too.

You cant function properly until this is resolved one way or another.

I dont care what his background is - there are 2 parents in this relationship it shouldnt all be left to you!

Sit him down and talk - You will get through this.

Hassled · 13/11/2008 11:33

Oh poor you - what a nightmare. And tbh, if you don't feel up to dealing with it right now then don't - sooner or later you will have to deal with it (assuming of course that you're right - you may not be) and you need to be ready and prepared, but that's not going to be immediate. Just bide your time and get your head around things.

Think about what you actually want - assuming his attitude to childcare/sharing chores etc will never change, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

When you're good and ready to find out how things stand, you will at least be a bit more prepared for the fallout. You have lots of sympathy from me.

muckypups · 13/11/2008 11:41

Im so very sorry for you. Its a terrible situation which ive been in myself, im not too goo dwith words and advice but

If you want him even though he may be having an affair then fight for him,love him,let him see the woman he married.

If you dont then leave him and make him suffer

Wigglesworth · 13/11/2008 11:44

Oh dear, it does look a bit suss doesn't it. Be careful I wouldn't start accusing him of anything just yet as him getting calls and txt he doesn't answer doesn't necessarily mean he's having an affair (and I truly hope he isn't), although I can understand your thinking. You need to gather more evidence ask him questions about what he has been doing at work that night if he's been working late. You could ask him about the gym and ask if he could pick something up for you on his way home. Try phoning him when he is late at "work" or at the "gym", if he is bonking someone else that should kill the passion at least. Just keep asking questions cos if he is lying to you he will slip up sooner or later.
You also need time to work out how best to deal with this and have everything sorted out in your head. Would you leave if he was having an affair?

ambercat · 13/11/2008 11:45

You need to find out sooner rather than later, it may not be anything atm, just a flirtation but if you ignore it it could turn into a full blown love affair. Its good you have noticed, i didn't and it was a bolt from the blue for me.

Be brave, try and find out what you can, check his phone, emails etc if you can then talk to him but be aware he may lie to you, would be good if you had some evidence before.

I know this is soooo hard but don't ignore it. x

Wigglesworth · 13/11/2008 11:49

Yeah agree with Ambercat check his phone when he's in the shower. Could you drive past where he works or the gym when he says he is there? Bit drastic I know but you do need evidence before accusing because if he isn't having an affair and you do this it could be just as damaging to what sounds like an already fragile relationship.

HappyWoman · 13/11/2008 12:04

Why dont you want to work on your relationship? I find that a bit odd. It doesnt matter whos fault it is that it has gone wrong - but as you admit he NEEDS sunshine and if you are not giving it he will find it elsewhere. If you are fine with that then tell him - but still have the honest relationship everyone deserves.

If you are gererally not happy with the relationship and would like the oppotunity to get out then get the info you need and do it.

I was like you a couple of years ago - my h had an affair and i wasnt surpised at the time i was such a cow at times (due to me doing all the childcare ....).
But my h wanted to give us another go and i have worked on myself too. i know his needs and he mine - thats what a partnership is about.

Good luck

Oh and dont let him make out it is you just being paranoid either

Original poster

nextsteps · 13/11/2008 12:21

Ah thank you, lovely people. I do need to get my ducks in a row, as it were, before I kick off or make any decisions.
Was feeling a bit calmer, but he just called and sounded really sheepish and defensive which has wound me up again.
I do love him and I don't want us to go belly up. But, it's just a bit of a shock to think this could be happening and I don't know quite how to handle myself or my feelings....

OP posts:

HappyWoman · 13/11/2008 12:29

well for me i was determined that if he were going to leave it would not be because of something i had or had not done. It would be all his choice.

I knew i was not the best person i could be (and didnt really like the person i had become really), so i did work on myself.
He did see that and i know it did make him feel guilty - it stopped giving him the excuse that i was a grumpy old bag who had 'driven' him to it.

Do make the effort and then even it does not work out you will be able to hold your head high and know that you did your bit to save the marriage.

Good luck to you.

unhappy · 13/11/2008 14:11

Nextsteps - find out and confront it now - i have been living with my head in the sand for 4 years now and its killing me dont be afraid of the truth be afraid of ignoring it and putting up with it - be brave good luck

HappyWoman · 13/11/2008 15:55

I think if it was me (and it was a while ago) i would put the ball firmly back in his court by saying something like 'i know i have not been as attentive and so lately but i am tired i know you understand and that is why i love you so very much..... - get the idea. Then you can then start to bring up the subject of infedelity - tell him some gossip about someones h who is being 'secretive' and then say - i am so glad we have much more respect for each other than that. If he is guilty and a good man he will begin to feel uncomfortable and either stop it (and lets face it maybe nothing has happened but it will stop anything in its tracks), or he will begin to feel under a lot of pressure and it will begin to show.
Unfortunately my h was the latter - but it soon did catch up with him - even he couldnt lie that much - once his justification of what he was doing had gone he had to face up to the fact that he was actually doing wrong.

Good luck though - i think it is always better to know the truth as you can then plan your future for yourself, rather than having that choice taken away.

Original poster

nextsteps · 13/11/2008 17:48

Oh great - just got a hurried "sorry babe, have to work late", call.
My mind has gone into overdrive and I'm trying not to cry, but the little one has just looked at me and said:
"mama sad?" so that's just brilliant isn't it? well done, me. Can't even protect my own child.

God, I can't believe he'd be such a tosser.

OP posts:

muckypups · 13/11/2008 18:54

It maybe just that, your mind going into overdrive. Untill you have proof you still really dont know, and if he comes in and your shouting and accusing you will still be none the wiser. Check his phone and put your mind to rest, it could be innocent.

Try not to worry, and get your little one to bed so you can sit and calmly think of the next step. Good Luck xxx

Freckle · 13/11/2008 18:56

Can you check if he is working? Call a landline rather than his mobile with some query. If he's not there, you may have your answer.

HappyWoman · 14/11/2008 06:51

it does seem very unfair if you are both working - is there anyway you could do the same to him sometime? He needs to understand that family takes time.

How about arranging a babysitter youself and maybe meeting him from work one night as a 'surprise' - say it is because he is overworking and needs some time out so lovely you have arranged it.
Of course it may also catch him out and if he wants to keep you distant he will not like it.

The overdrive bit is awful i know but you are strong and if he is messing about he is an idiot.

T464 · 18/12/2008 10:56

Hello nextstep!

I lived in italy for 5 yrs and dated a variety of Italian men, from very very good-looking to more average, but fun, etc.... one thing I learned about It. culture is that they tend to be most attached to their mothers in terms of loyalty ..... and not to other women they meet in their lives (wives, girlfriends, etc) cheating seems to be a very prevalent part of their culture! quite amazing, really ... and painnful.

hope you are ok.

how did it go??

HolyGuacamole · 18/12/2008 12:35

I'd check on him tonight. Call him on his work number or drive past or something. I know it's underhand but if you need to know, then you need to know. He does sound suspicious but you need proof.

Once you find out the truth good or bad, then you can decide what you are going to do.

And, I just wanted to say about the protecting your child thing...."if" he is having an affair, then he is the one who is not protecting his child and his family environment in taking a risk like that!

NotQuiteCockney · 18/12/2008 12:37

Old thread, guys, old thread.

HolyGuacamole · 18/12/2008 13:00

erm, I mean yeah, how did it all go?

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