about 3 yrs back I found out h was being unfaithful to me. It devastated us as a couple and me as a person. I never thought or think I'll ever trust him again and I feel all the love I had for him as gone.
Over the few months that followed I agreed to give things another go and see how it went. Nothings really changed for me in the way I feel although we still live under the same roof that certain something that was once there as gone. We get along ok most of the time, more like brother/sister or friends, we still have disagreements as you would in any relationship over certain things but theres never any big rows, I just don't have the energy or will to make a fuss and I know it wouldn't change anything if I did anyway.
The thing is, I don't really feel any loss about our marriage anymore, that sadness has now passed and although I no longer hate him for what he did I do still have thoughts that it was his doing that made me this way and I can't forgive him for that. It's not that I want to move on and make things right between us anymore, we're together more due to financial reasons than anything else, theres no intimacy between us at all and we've slept in separate rooms for many months now.
Although I've expressed my feelings clearly to h I do still think he thinks things will just fall back into place and we'll be fine one day, tbh, he's been like that ever since it happened. He felt right from the start that once it was out and he had ended it with the ow we could move on and forget it ever happened.
My real sadness is that I was too weak to walk away when it happened and now I regret it dreadfully. I'd never ever imagined being with any other man since being with h but shortly after I discovered my h's affair I became a bit more outgoing and started chatting to people at work more and started to make friends. I became very friendly with a guy at work and very soon we realised we had feelings for each other. I was far too scared to do anything about it and even though my marriage was none existent it still felt wrong to have feelings for another man.
We shared text messages together and spent time chatting at work when ever we could but the longing looks we shared we're becoming more obvious that we were falling for each other. One Friday night when I was leaving work he caught up with me and told me he thought he'd fallen in love with me. He knew the situation I was in as I'd discussed it with him. He told me he wanted to be with me but he didn't want to put any pressure on me and knew I would need time to think over what he'd said.
All weekend I thought about what he'd said, I knew I felt the same but I was so afraid of being hurt again I didn't have the balls to leave h and risk someone else shitting on me. On the Monday when I returned to work my stomach was churning and I felt sick because I knew I was going to have to lie to him. I told him that me and h where going to try again and I couldn't be with him. I didn't see him again the rest of the day and heard later that he'd left work early saying he was sick. I cried all the way home and felt my heart was breaking.
The rest of the week was really hard, he kept his distance as he thought I was back with h and I was desperately trying to hold it together, fighting back tears and felt shit inside. I really do feel I loved him. I knew I couldn't cope like this and on the Friday I gave my notice and left. I couldn't work there anymore seeing him and wanting him everyday. He didn't have a clue I leaving text me to say he was gutted when he found out, he missed me so much but wished me the best of luck with whatever I decided.
I replied to say thanks and telling him to take care and left it at that. I still miss him like crazy, I still get butterflies when I think of him and I wish things had been different. I feel like I've lost someone I really really cared for and I made the decision to walk away from it because I thought it was the right thing to do but I think I still love him
I thought these feelings would pass with time but I still feel the same now and it's been several months since I last had any contact with him and this is all my own fault