If you told your DH you didn't want to be with him anymore....

[TheStigsWife]

And he just stood there & said nothing would you take the silence as he couldn'r care less?

I've been unhappy for a while & although I love my DH very much I feel so lonely & so unloved & so lost that I have begun to think that maybe I would better on my own?

We have 2 DC, I'm a SAHM & DH has a very stressful, demanding job that reuires shift work, very long unGodly hours & so much overtime that some weeks I barely remember what he looks like.

He is a good man, provides well for his family, dotes on DD but is less then taken with DS who as 3 months.

He doesn't help with night feeding (which I would never expect when he has work but would appreciate on his days off) so I'm "coping" on very little sleep which doesn't help.

He makes no effort to show he cares or loves me - well accept when he wants sex.

I know that this is trvial compared to what others are going through but I feel so alone & so low.

It broke my heart that he didn't say a word - I tried talking to him again just now but he said he needs to think about what to say

Surely if the person you are supposed to love tells you are they are unhappy you don't need to think about what to say? Surely you want to fight to keep the relationship?

TSW

maybe he doesn't want to say something he regrets later, maybe he is in shock and it has come out of the blue, you have 2 dcs so some time to think is worth it i think.
would you really be better alone and would your kids?

TSW you sound like you are really struggling. You have quite a new baby - that is a strain on any relationship. Is it possible that you are depressed as well as the other difficulties you mention?

Let your dh think about what you have said, don't (out of anger of frustration) try and push him into a corner.

It sounds like you are exhausted and not getting a lot of support, but in his defence it sounds like he is working a lot as well.

You need to find some way of communicating effectively.

Let him absorb what you said. People don't always deal with things the same way. My DH would respond in exactly the way you describe - frustrating maybe but at least he is taking what you said seriously and thinking about it. The alternative might be to get angry and defensive

You sound really low and it seems like you have a lot on your plate with a new baby and very little support.

How long have you been feeling lonely and unloved?

Is it possible that you are suffering from depression, which would make everything seem even worse (as does sleep deprivation)

I don't mean to minimise the way you are feeling or say that it isn't justified btw.

He probably dosent know what to say - you do sound very unhappy.
Do you think you may have PND - i ask because i could have written most of your post after ds3 and i just didnt know where to turn. My h was pretty useless as all wanted was to come up with solutions iyswim, and all you want is someone to aknowledge that you are struggling and give you a hug first and a hand second.

I do think men feel they are doing their bit by going out to work and just do not understand just how demanding the everyday routine that allows them to go to work is.

My dh had some time off a couple of years ago and it really did open his eyes to just how hard it is and how little time you get with children around.

I am sure he is at a loss as to what to do.
Also he may be feeling unloved too (especially when you confront him with your thoughts of parting).
Tell him how much you appreciate the part he is playing but also suggest some ways in which at this moment in time he can help you.

Again men generally just dont 'see' what needs doing so dont feel bad about asking him for what you need now. But do it generally and make him feel good about doing it iyswim.

Good luck

I suffered with PND after the birth of our DD but came through it with counselling & Anti-D's.

I know that I'm not depressed (mainly just tired & unsupported) but I do know it could rear it's ugly head.

I feel like I am so far down on his list of prorities (sp).

Lately he has made uncalled for comments such as 'it's me who pays the bills'.

Some affection wouldn't hurt - I can't remember the last time he held me

Did you say it for a reaction or do you really mean you dont want to be with him?

I always make a point of telling him how much I appereciate how hard he works - as after all it's his hard work that enables me to stay home - but I honestly feel so utterly alone.

I feel like we're exsisting alongside one another instead of living together.

What about Relate before you call an end to your marriage? Maybe they can help you both to communicate better?

Did you tell him why you are unhappy?

He probably didn't know what to say.

Can you give him some positive pointers (as in tell him what you do want rather than what is wrong)

dont put yourself in a position you dont want to be in - by making stupid comments to get a reaction.

if his job means that he can't help out - then discuss this with him and ask him to look for another job.

What do you mean "less than taken with DS)? Has he had problems bonding with him, or do you feel he didn't want him.

I can relate to what you say and how your husband reacted. Dont know what to suggest bit will be watching this thread for pointers.
The only thing i can suggest is to get your emotional help from friends or professionals and dont let yourself be isolated,while you wait for him to express himself. good luck

DS was very much planned & wanted by us both but he doesn't seem to have bonded with him - I think he is a little jealous that DS is a boy IYKWIM?

His job really isn't one that he can just give up - plus he's very good at it & has taken on a new role.

I'm very proud of him & he does work hard & I appreciare that.

It wasn't a 'stupid comment' - I didn't just blurt it out to see how he would react. We'd had a disagreement which lead to talking about us & the DC & his job etc etc & I was getting more & more upset & I said how unhappy I was etc & then made the comment - as I said it I thought 'Do I really mean this' & tbh I really don't know if I do or not - I'm so confused.

But his reaction really took me back.

I've tried explaing that I need to feel loved, that I just some kind of affection from him other then when he just wants sex & a little more appreciation but it falls on deaf ears.

I know I sound moany & trite but I feel so alienated & like I'm raising the DC alone.

I know the sleep deprivation is a big part of how I feel but I can't seem to get him to open up to me.

You are not moany and trite tsw

give up ...no - who can just give up a job!

change, look for - activley look for another one.

whats more important - his job - your family?

He really can't change his job - it's not really an easy job to leave (unless you retire from it)

He did change his role which was supposed to mean he was home more often with better hours but it's actually ended up with him working harder.

changing jobs is not the answer unless you both want a change - and like you said he provides well fincially for the family, the last thing he needs is the added presure of a new job surely.

The comments like - 'i pay the bills' is this a new thing or do you think that maybe you are just hearing it now and taking it more to heart than you would have before? It does sound as if he does not feel appriciated - and i hear what you say that you tell him but do you show him too? I say that because if your unhappiness is all he sees it can be wearing him down too. He may not be hearing your appriation in the way you think he is.

Talking is the answer - do you get some time together alone? could he perhaps set aside some time from his work schedule?
But again it works both ways - you need to take some time out of your caring for the children.
That was how my h felt - that he was so far down my priority list at times and we seemed for a long time to be co-exsisting instead of being a partnership.

But you can get back on course but it takes work from both of you and you both need to see where you are contributing to the situation.
And please dont think i am being harsh when i say saying comments that you dont really mean do not help - maybe he didnt mean the bills comment either eh?

Just trying to help you see it from his side a bit, but i do know just how hard your work is and how lonely it can be - so good luck.